Being Really Real.

      Things aren't so dark. That doesn't mean that I'm better, it just means that it's not as bad as it was there for a while. It was pretty bad, and since I'm not there at the moment I will let you know a little bit of what dark means. Dark means feelings of hopelessness, no desire to live, no reason to carry on. December, January and much of February was spent exhausted. The thoughts that went through my head where that of dying, wanting to die or telling myself I'd be better off dead. It's a bad place to be, because it steals everything, your energy, your thoughts, your life. Many days it was an accomplishment to get out of bed. The only thing that I did consistently was school with the boys, and many days it was done from my bed.
     There are commonalities to the thoughts, there is always a little truth mixed with lies, that's what makes them convincing, that's why they're believable. If it was a flat out lie that would be so much easier to fight. Here are a few of the lies but a word of warning they may be hard to read.  {it was my fault, i'm to blame, i did something wrong, i asked for it, I’m worthless, I’m not worthy of love, I’m nothing, I don’t have a right to live, i deserve to be alone, I am alone, i will be abandoned, I should be rejected, I am dirty, I will never be clean, I will be mocked if found out, I am a failure, if I make an effort I'm just asking to be hurt again, I don’t belong, I can’t be loved by god, he can't stand the evilness i represent, I can't be loved by people, they just feel sorry for a time then move on, I can’t let people know me once they do they will run, I should be the object of ridicule.} Those are real words i wrote in December literally copy and pasted, not even going to edit it. Sometimes things were worse than that but I think you get the idea.
I was also fighting for sleep. I wasn't sleeping well at all, if at all. I was tired. I was afraid to go to sleep because I was having nightmares every night. If I did eventually fall asleep it wasn't for long, as I'd wake up during a nightmare, which means I remember every single detail of the dream. It wasn't helpful for having any energy, much less having energy for fighting the wanting to die thoughts. The lack of sleep fueled the fears that I would face during the day and my exaggerated startle reflex. I was afraid of panic attacks, they make you feel powerless and leave you in a more vulnerable position than you were in the first place, I hate them and avoided them and anything that might set one off. At the worst I wouldn't leave my house unless I was going somewhere with someone or I knew someone I trusted was going to be there. This includes grocery shopping doctors appointments and everything else one has to leave the house for. My mom and friends helped so much. Even now, i don't go places unless I have too, I avoided going to the grocery store yesterday because it sounded too difficult for me to handle at that point. Instead I made a sauce from scratch with stuff I already had at home. See I'm still not better, I am learning to live with it.
I didn't want to acknowledge the fact that I was back in the place where suicide sounded like a good idea. I tried ignoring all the thoughts, thinking they'd go away. Instead they got stronger, bigger and more persistent. I admitted it was more than I could bear and went to the hospital. It was dark, so much so that it was hard to listen to Christian music. Did you know a lot of songs talk about heaven and to get to heaven you must die. Things were so twisted in my head. IT was late in the first week of March that i decided to fight those thoughts. It was pointless to fight anything else if I'm not fighting for living, at least that's what my logic was telling me. That paired with a medicine that knocks me out every night without nightmares things have improved.

These things are very scary to share, please be kind, as I've been very honest.