Medicines and love

Medicines are supposed to help, but unlike a bacterial infection where there are only a few options to fix the problem there are dozens of medicine that address depression and anxiety. Trust me I've seen the list, it's long and I've tried over 20 of them well over 20 of them. I don't know exactly how many but it's alot. Trying a new medicine isn't so easy, it's a minimum of a two week process unless you're in the hospital, but even in the hospital it takes time. The medicine has to build up in your system, this takes time, on average 2 weeks but up to 6. While this is happening you just have to plug along as best you can hoping the benifits will out weigh the side affects. Side affects that are acceptable range from drowsiness, to insomnia, or weight gain, dry mouth and constipation. Side affects that aren't are ones that make you pass out, really dizzy or mess with the hearts QST wave. Those are all things I've experienced, the drowsiness is helpful but every thing else isn't. The most resent was the messing with the QST progression, a potentially fatal side affect. As soon as it was found out I had to quit a medicine, one of two that I started at the same time in the hospital. So my dr decided to stop the one that had more bad side affects, makes sense.  As the week went by after stopping my heart calmed down but other symptoms weren't so good. No sleep, nightmares, depression all coming back with a vengeance, time for another medicine switch. Stop one start the other back up and try to get through the bad stuff, the bad thoughts and the darkness.
With all the effort and frustration that accompanies trying to find a helpful medicine I know it's just a tool. It's not where my hope is placed. God is sovereign in everything even medicines working or not. God is sovereign over the struggles, the chemicals in my brain and if they work right or not. God is sovereign over everything. He allows them into my life to grow me and others, but growing hurts. I don't like it, it's hard and I don't do well seeing anything good without it being pointed out to me. That's where friends help so much, all I can see is the problems I cause, and the huge messes I make.  I was telling a friend about this and her response was 'Those aren't huge messes. That's proof people love you.' She's right, people adjusting things and being willing to do things differently is proof they love me.  More people know and more people (especially in my church) show love to me and my family. That's what Jesus told us to do and that's how the world would know we are different. It's in John 13:34-35 ESV "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.  By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”
It's easy to love people when there's nothing going on, it's much harder when things are difficult and they drag on for months or years, but that's what Christ calls us to and it is in him that there is hope. I am redeemed not for anything I do but because He is love.