Today was hard.

    It stared off well but by the end of the day I'm worn out and ready to sleep and it's 4:30... We went for a walk this morning and learned a little bit of fun stuff about each other enjoy the beautiful weather. My assignment for the day was to write out one of my traumatic events, the easiest one (like any of them are easy). After that I had a break and got to color for a bit before lunch.
    Lunch all by itself was an exposure for me.  I had the option of sitting with a bunch of people I don't know or sitting in the most vulnerable spot in the dining hall. I chose that one, the one with the drink cooler and condiments behind it. The one where everyone was walking to and the door was behind me. I ate really fast, so fast I almost chokers and decided I should slow down  bit. I got my lunch, ate it, and returned to the group room within 15 minutes.
    Then we had to do group which was a great group, we had to think and could be vulnerable to ourselves and the group. I drew this.

    The inside is how we feel, the red is anxiety, the black  is depression and the fave shows it to be downcast with tears.  The blue in the middle is hope, with some room to grow. The outside is how the world sees me, so really it's what y'all have told me, those are the words I chose. In case you can't read them they are: strong, hurt, honest, vulnerable, fighter, and scared. So I was pretty vulnerable with myself and sharing it with the group. I let my wall fall a little. Next group we checked in with how we were doing and someone just started yelling at the facilitator and I felt like I was in the crossfire  and I couldn't move, I froze and tried to concentrate on putting the crayons in color coordinating order in the box. At one point I couldn't even do that. The rest of the day happened but I don't really know what happened, I was trying to stay engaged but I failed.  I waited till after the last group was over and told my therapist I was having a panic attack. She couldn't tell since I was holding it all in, I said I know. This panic aattack was much like one I had in residential that involved yelling too. It's the worst one I've had some then, it took me an hour and a half to get to a point where I felt safe driving home. I made it home and wrote this and I'm ready to face tomorrow. But, the whole way home I listened to 'It is well with my soul'.

    I also had this one helping me write my post so please ignore mess ups.

Thanks for praying friends.