Being tired...

The last couple of weeks have been rough for me. The week before Easter I was difficult and exhausting. The weekend plans went from going to a memorial service in St. Louis to just going home to me staying in MIL and the boys coming up to me just staying here in MIL and having a quiet weekend up here. The little boys were going to be up here the whole next week (this week).  This week is has been very difficult having the boys here because my programing has been challenging.  I’ve been having really bad flashbacks, and sometimes getting stuck in them.  One that I was stuck in for I think they said 3 hours.  That means I don’t remember what was going on my brain is trying to protect me even though logically I know I’m safe but I can't connect the two parts of my brain. I came out of the flashback so tired that I went to sleep. I haven’t gone to sleep that hard in such a long time that I guess I started having a nightmare. Anyways, the therapist woke me up and I was really confused and lost. Once I figured out where I was I went on the rest of the day as normal. That night I couldn't sleep, I was having nightmares and heart burn and couldn’t even lay down.  So with about 3 hours of sleep and not feeling the greatest I headed out for programming.  I felt the holy spirit urging me to pray and so I did.  I prayed ask God to keep me safe on the way to programming and through out the day.  Well, I got into a car accident on the way there, which you may think that means I wasn’t being protected; and yes I’d rather not be in accident at all; but I was.  I was on the interstate driving with the traffic somewhere around 70 to75 mph, when a guy decided that traffic was going too slow for his liking and started driving up the shoulder of the road, there is not enough room for someone to drive on the shoulder.  So naturally the car in the left lane swerved toward me, I went into the right lane some.  I heard a crunch and it took a second to register but I realized I’d hit someone but as soon as I did I pulled over to the side. Well the other person stopped on one side of the bridge that I stopped on. I pulled forward off the bridge on to the shoulder and just sat there.  I was in my new (to us) car and I was having a panic attack. I didn’t call anyone or do anything but sit. Shortly the fire department and ambulance showed up. A firefighter came to my window and asked if I was ok. I said I was and I was just having a panic attack, but my voice was very calm as if nothing was happening. He looked very confused and I don’t blame him, the speech and the physical observations didn’t match.  They asked if I had looked at my car. I said no, that I’d just been sitting in the car. He went around to check and came back. He said the lens on the tail light was cracked, just the outside covering one. I eventually found out that the other cars mirror was damaged. That’s it. The firefighter and the sheriff both told me that that was the least amount of damage that they have ever seen on an interstate crash. So was I being protected? Yes I believe I was and for being in an interstate crash I coudn’t ask for a better out come, really.  So, I'm ok I didn’t get a ticket and the tail light is like 60 to 80 dollars to replace. I made it to and through programming and had the best night of sleep I've had in a very long time.  The rest of the  week has been ok but I had no idea how difficult it would be to come home after programming and engage with the kids. I now realize just how much php takes out of me and how hard it is to do this and be a mom. I’m discouraged at my in ability engage and connect with the boys. I ask them if they want to do things with me one on one and they don’t.  Yes I realize that they are little boys trying to figure out who they are and that I've been gone for 9 months. Its been a long time, I don’t feel connected to them any more and I’m tired, this work is so difficult and I don’t just do the programming but I challenge myself, I push myself I don’t just do what I have to do to get by. I can see the progress in the work and how my attachment to my emotions is improving, but I still have a very long road. I can see the darkness in the world around me that I haven’t been able to see since my Sr. year of high school.  This makes my heart ache for those that I can see the darkness in.  I know God gives me the strength to do this because without it I wouldn’t have survived this. So, while I know He will help me to get through this I also believe I will be able to thrive through him. I'm really tired though.