Flip Flops

     So, with help, I'm seeing things with a new hope. For the longest time I was not connecting with my kids at all. I was playing the part of parent and doing what I’m ‘supposed’ to do but that's it.  This last week my mom and the boys spent the week up here since it was my nephew's spring break. It was a tough week for me (if you don’t know what I’m talking about read the last post). But one bad, situation showed me something that I havn’t seen in a long time, the boys need for me and that I can connect to them.  There was a miscommunication and the boys ended up paying for it. I took them out of the situation and held them and let them cry on me and it gave me a chance to be mom and to love on them.  I don’t like that this situation had to happen for me to have that chance but that’s what the three of us needed. We are stronger for facing conflict together. They KNOW mommy is going to protect them and take time to listen to their words as they try to figure out what happened and how they are feeling.  The toughest situations bring us together and make our bonds tight. I really havn’t had that since I’ve been gone so long but now those bonds are tight again. I love my boys, and my boys love me. I am the best mom for them. I keep working through my trauma for me and my family.  It’s not easy and by no means fun, but if it were, everyone would do it. This is hard stuff, imagine trying to dig up a boulder with a plastic spoon hard.

     This has given me new energy to keep fighting, to face my demons day in and day out, even tough they leave me so tired, and they're never quite, they're there at night too(ahh night mares). So my battle is sleep and memory. I don’t know what it would look like to have a full nights sleep would do for me but I know it’d sure be nice to find out. As for memory, I can’t remember much of anything, or at least that’s what it feels like. I can’t remember conversations or details about anything and that is really frustrating for me but I know it’s a temporary thing that I have to deal with.  My body is super stressed and it’s showing up in many ways, that’s two of them.  

     I feel like I’m making progress after being stuck for a very long time, thank God.  Progress seems to come in spurts and I feel like I’m in one now.  I’m ‘excited?’ to work on this really crappy stuff because there’s movement.  I’d still do the work even when I didn’t feel like it but man to feel the love, see the movement, feel the hope makes doing this really hard exposure work worth it.

     I love my boys (all 3 of them) so much, and I want to be back with them, but I know I need to be better than I am before that happens. I was very overwhelmed having them here last week despite my desire to be around them. I had a hard time even imagining how I could return to being their full time mom. The thing is I can’t right now and that’s ok. I'm glad God has given me the insight and strength to continue working, pressing on, getting out of bed, going to treatment, and working as hard as I can.  I love seeing the little light of hope, but the daily struggles are still very real. I didn’t want to get up this morning as most mornings, but today was particularly hard. BUT I can see where I’m going, and that my friends is the most glorious thing I never thought I’d see.

THERE IS HOPE and I have some now. =)