Catching up

I'm was tired, worn out and at the end of it, it felt like I could no long live like that; I gave up. Backstory: At the beginning of October I went to the True Woman conference in Indianapolis, IN. It was a great conference though not as deep as our group would have liked but we know it was aimed at a crowd of 8000 not our group of 8. As we arrived in this huge building we found out that there was designated seating for those in wheel chairs (one of the great ladies in the group uses a wheelchair) and it was all the way up front. I felt panic, there's no way I could sit up front. Our group split in two and I sat further back but ended up having people that converse with the speaker right behind us. That meant I never knew when talking was coming and I startle very easily. The problem came when I kept telling myself I'm fine and just kept going without acknowledging the feeling of panic inside of me. Late October I finally admit I'm dealing with depression again and go see my doc. The next few months I kept sliding down deeper into depression accompanied but increasing levels of anxiety. I survived a weeks trip to Texas to visit family, but it wasn't easy. Lots of people in small areas and kids all over the place made things difficult. I was so worn out after that trip, the symptoms of PTSD were rearing their ugly heads. I started sleeping even less than I had be before calling 4 hours of broken up sleep a night a good night. The nightmares and flash backs were so bad and so present even during the day light hours that I couldn't escape no matter what I did. I was having panic attacks all the time and I started to convince myself that it wasn't safe to leave my house alone. I wouldn't go anywhere without someone coming with me or knowing that a friend would be where ever it was that I was going. occasionally I'd tell myself that was dumb and go to the store by myself and then end up in so much panic I couldn't function. That's what happened Friday. I had gone to set up picture stuff at church and then went with a friend to target. I was already panicky before going to the store and that continued throughout the shopping trip. We accomplished what we needed to and left the store. I was able to hold it together till I got home where I had a pretty big panic attack. Tobin recognized what was going on and my sweet boy asked if it was a panic attack then proceeded in trying to distract me to help me through it. That night the church was having a dinner gala, so even though it was really early still I decided to go ahead and get ready. I was able to calm down and took some anti-anxiety meds to help. I was determined to be ok so on the way to church I stopped by the store to get the boys dinner, Aaron had offered to go for me but like I said I was determined to be fine. I made it through the evening and took pictures for everyone there. The next morning after another night of nightmares I knew I wasn't ok and I was reaching the bottom. I quickly edited and cropped pictures and sent them out to everyone. I tried working on a puzzle for a while but my head was just full of flash backs and very negative thoughts. I decided to try to take a nap, I did fall asleep but it wasn't restful. I didn't fight my dreams they took over. I was giving up I had no more strength I was done fighting. I texted my friends asking if anyone wasn't too busy then got in the shower. Two responded but one was in Wisconsin the other called and I'm pretty sure I freaked her out as I could hear it in her voice. She convinced me to wake up Aaron and she talk to him about going to the hospital. So we went to the er I knew the drill I've been there before, but I didn't want to talk, I was too tired. After what seemed like a really short stay in the er I was taken up to the behavioral health unit where I was shown my room (a private room with south facing windows) and the day area. I just curled up in bed and cried until they came by to give me some medicine that would help me sleep. I slept that night for a long time, without waking up and with only weird dreams no night mares. I woke up so tired but the dr. wanted to talk to me. We talked and he encouraged me to leave my room and do some of the group activities. I left my room for breakfast and ate a little then went back to sleep. An announcement came over the PA system for spirituality group that was starting in a few minutes. I didn't want to go, I was at the worst place I've been at in years, how could a loving God ignore all the pleas for strength and help that I had made. After a few minutes I told myself to go, after all the dr wanted me to participate. I went, I was late, I found it weird. There was a handout with responsive reading, a gospel passage and a short prayer. We went through those systematically and at the end the chaplain asked what the gospel or good news is to you. Others responded with a response of its what feel good for you and it's what you think right is. I sat there debating in my head. They have no clue what the gospel is, is this something I really believe? because if it is than I can't stay quiet His truth must be proclaimed. So I sat there debating and waiting. I decided, this is the truth, this is what I believe and it doesn't matter that I'm tired, I have to share. I knew I couldn't believe that this God is great and that His name should be proclaimed even in the psych ward. I was at rock bottom, but His name, and His truth had to be proclaimed. I would have no reason for living if I didn't have hope in God. He is my rock (even at the bottom of the pit) and my salvation is assured in what Jesus accomplished on the cross. Apparently I had to land in the hospital to find out if that's what I truly believed. I'm thankful for the hospital being that tool I'm thankful I'm still alive and I pray for those who heard the gospel that morning.

I've been writting...

My last twenty or so hours in the hospital were quite anxiety producing and BLUF I didn't have any panic attacks yay So what all happened... I was sitting in the back corner of the day room and one of the nurses came up to me and told me they were going to change my room because they needed the bed I was in. So I went from the quietest room in the place to the loudest. the unit door opening and closing over and over every waking moment and that door e was heavy so it shook the walls of my room and of course I had the bed closest to the door (yay more fears being hit), but I realized that this was out of my control I could do nothing to change this and freaking out doesn't change the fact that I would now have the first bed right inside the psych unit doors. I dealt with those emotions and feeling and anxiety by writing and as I'm writing the social worker comes up and stays talking to me about being discharged but I'm still visibly upset by someone sitting right next to me so we talked through that a bit and that helped calm me down (yay for distractions). Aaron had stopped by during early visiting hours so that he could see me before he picked up the boys, that was a great distraction and welcome break too. I was then ok till after dinner, the only time I spent in my room that afternoon was to shower so I didn't have any problems with roommates or banging doors. After dinner though one of the elderly ladies on the unit gets loud and repeatedly yells thing over and over and over again and she was doing this quite loudly and the door was still going a lot so I went to the only other area I could which was down a back hallway. I though I'd found the perfect place, no one was there and I could just quietly look out the window and relax. Nope, another patient whom I had avoided have any real conversations with followed me and started a conversation with "Casey I need your phone number", I asked why and she said you see what they're doing here they're trying to poison us give us all these drugs and make it so we can't think our do anything. Conspiracy theorist yes she is, I told her that I didn't believe that's what they were doing and that I believed that they were truly trying to help us get better. She said well god created us with these prefect minds that don't need drugs to operate. I said we live in a fallen sinful world that isn't prefect anymore and I have a genetic predisposition toward depression and life events that gave me PTSD. She asked what and I told her and then she started telling me disgusting things her ex husband did to foster kids while in her care and kept getting closer and closer to me and I calmly had to tell her twice that she was too close and needed to back up which the second time she did. Then we talked about how she said only oils and herbs were things that she would use and I said God created smart people that have developed these drugs to help people and but oils and herbs are great too but they don't always fix the problem. She disagreed and got distracted by a nurse; who she thought was always going through her stuff; and left me alone. A good friend stopped in to see me before Bible study and helped me once again be distracted and calm down. Then I told my nurse about the confrontation and he told me that she was manic and not taking her medicine and if she was told to not do something she'd do the opposite. She wasn't doing anything to me at the moment so he just chilled in the back corner with me. The rest of the evening went by alright I worked on a puzzle that had at least 5 pieces to other puzzles mixed in and went to bed around 1030. I'm thankful that the traffic in and our of that door is at least slow at night so only the brightness of the hall light woke me up a few times when they came to check on us. However, early morning that door gets a workout starting at about 645... so by 715 I had given up any hope of sleeping anymore and a few minutes later they checked vitals and the dr. was there by 730 and told me what I should expect as far as when meds should start to fully take effect. So I got up and around and went to hang out in the day area until breakfast at 8. I had an omelet for breakfast and it was the best meal I had the whole time I was there but it was still powdered eggs, that can't hold anything to my backyard chickens. A bit later my nurse came and chilled by my table asking if i'd had anymore problems with the patient above I said no and asked if I had any questions about going home today. A few minutes later the patient from above came up and stayed going on about how great it was that I homeschooling my kids and I was just thankful my nurse was there and that could limit the things she would say and that she was on the other side of a 6 ft table. I then colored to pass the time until either group started or I was discharged. At one point when I was trying to get a hold of Aaron to come pick me up I was told it would be better if you stayed up in the day area and to have a staff member escort me to my room if I needed something from there. Apparently my roommate was very upset and that was proved by my nurse and I getting briefly yelled at when we walked in the door to get my stuff out of the room so I could be ready to go. So, while the hospital stay was needed it was becoming more stressful and anxiety producing than being home.

Becasue anything less would just be boring

This is one of those days that boring would have been nice...
the recipe:
2 little ones with RSV
1 adult with RSV and a migraine
1 car that won't start
1 trip to the doctor's office
several pharmacies with out the prescribed medicine available

First let dad take the kiddos until the migraine meds take the edge off the migraine
2 comfort little one that was pushed down the stairs by big one
3 make dr.'s appt.
4 find out that the car that's behind the vehicle with the carseats won't start
5 make the two little ones comfy while the two of you work on the cars
6 get that car going, but don't turn it off so the battery can charge
7 get everyone ready to go to the dr's office
8 almost fall on the black ice carrying the little one
9 get to Dr. confirm RSV diagnosis
10 meet dad for lunch with 2 sleepy cranky babies that did rather well
11 find out that most of the pharmacies in the area don't have the perscription available
12 find one that does
13 try to figure out how to pick it up with two napping kids... oh wait... that means I should be napping too
14 skip laundry for the day
15 go take a nap.

bye =)

My Baby

Zeke has now spent his life 50/50... inside of me and outside of me... I'm glad he wasn't as big inside as he is now... he's my sturdy boy, he's wearing 18 month clothes and they fit well, not much room for growth though... Tobz is showing him how to get into all sorts of trouble... today he climbed up the stairs, it was bath time... and he was followed... we took a video, it's long and he was distracted by the camera but he got up the stairs all by himself. Next step is walking, and it's going to happen any day now... he goes on his walker toy like no tomorrow and might take a step here or there but then sits down when he realizes that he's not holding on... he's cautious...

It's Hot

For the first time this year we had to turn on the air conditioner... it was warm and humid which made it feel very hot and sticky.... I'm thankful that we at least got into June before windows weren't enough.... and Boy was it nice to have the air on and not feel all sticky last night... it's still really gross outside... it may be an inside day... it's supposed to get pretty warm =)Maybe I'll let Tobin watch his first movie ever I'm thinking Toy Story the original to get myself ready for Toy Story 3

Old CD's

I pulled out an old CD today by Delirious? Glo ... words to encourage and music that I love to listen to, can't get much better than that....
I really like the whole CD but specifically My Glorious and Jesus' Blood

the list

This is a list of the things we could think of that need to be done to the house... * is for things that only need to be done if we're moving. Alan's room - nothing (the floor could be refinished but it's not horrible. Our room - paint* it's purple =). Tobin's room - door need painted, ceiling painted (roof leak needs to be fixed), Broken window, water access panel (hole in the wall). Sun room - paint ceiling and fix crack in ceiling, fix broken window. Stairs nail down carpet (both sets) fix railing spindles loose broken or missing. Living room - fill wood gaps from house settling*, Oil wood trim, paint windows, replace broken quarter round on bottom step. Dining room - electrical wires replaced, repair termite eaten studs, fix the messed up joists, insulate wall, refinish floor, drywall, texture, paint, trim. Kitchen - replace ceiling tile we had to cut out, counter tops, floor, paint door, paint cabinets*. Laundry room - sub floor, Floor tile, paint, finish wall were we had to fix the leaky pipe. down stairs bathroom - Sub floor, floor, tile shower, paint, punch nails in paneling so they don't show. Basement - fix the ceiling where the shower leaked through (again), clean carpet, tape carpet, install carpet permanently, finish trim, fill in the hole we drilled in the concrete, finish the drainage tile, seal sump pit hole. Out side front - paint the whole house, replace wood along brick line, fill in sink hole (again, probably to no avail), fix grass south of driveway, work on the front porch, paint the columns, paint the area behind the glass next to the door, reseal those pieces of glass, finish driveway addition (dig dirt out, put gravel, sand, and brick down). Back yard - finish drainage from driveway, lay brick by garage, get dirt to slop yard by kennel, grass around sandbox, clean deck*, fix the rock boarders, finish fence, pull weeds, get rid of or use lava rocks for basement tile. And for the room we're working on Up stairs Bathroom - fix drywall, replace trim, paint, replace fixtures, hook up water to tub, fix the heating duct opening to match the duct, fix the vanity/ sink, fix leaky faucet. Today the tub got caulked, so I took that one off the list. As you can see there's allot to do to the house much less the normal things like wash windows and anything that we'd want to do (like finish my kitchen pantry) =/