Catching up

I'm was tired, worn out and at the end of it, it felt like I could no long live like that; I gave up. Backstory: At the beginning of October I went to the True Woman conference in Indianapolis, IN. It was a great conference though not as deep as our group would have liked but we know it was aimed at a crowd of 8000 not our group of 8. As we arrived in this huge building we found out that there was designated seating for those in wheel chairs (one of the great ladies in the group uses a wheelchair) and it was all the way up front. I felt panic, there's no way I could sit up front. Our group split in two and I sat further back but ended up having people that converse with the speaker right behind us. That meant I never knew when talking was coming and I startle very easily. The problem came when I kept telling myself I'm fine and just kept going without acknowledging the feeling of panic inside of me. Late October I finally admit I'm dealing with depression again and go see my doc. The next few months I kept sliding down deeper into depression accompanied but increasing levels of anxiety. I survived a weeks trip to Texas to visit family, but it wasn't easy. Lots of people in small areas and kids all over the place made things difficult. I was so worn out after that trip, the symptoms of PTSD were rearing their ugly heads. I started sleeping even less than I had be before calling 4 hours of broken up sleep a night a good night. The nightmares and flash backs were so bad and so present even during the day light hours that I couldn't escape no matter what I did. I was having panic attacks all the time and I started to convince myself that it wasn't safe to leave my house alone. I wouldn't go anywhere without someone coming with me or knowing that a friend would be where ever it was that I was going. occasionally I'd tell myself that was dumb and go to the store by myself and then end up in so much panic I couldn't function. That's what happened Friday. I had gone to set up picture stuff at church and then went with a friend to target. I was already panicky before going to the store and that continued throughout the shopping trip. We accomplished what we needed to and left the store. I was able to hold it together till I got home where I had a pretty big panic attack. Tobin recognized what was going on and my sweet boy asked if it was a panic attack then proceeded in trying to distract me to help me through it. That night the church was having a dinner gala, so even though it was really early still I decided to go ahead and get ready. I was able to calm down and took some anti-anxiety meds to help. I was determined to be ok so on the way to church I stopped by the store to get the boys dinner, Aaron had offered to go for me but like I said I was determined to be fine. I made it through the evening and took pictures for everyone there. The next morning after another night of nightmares I knew I wasn't ok and I was reaching the bottom. I quickly edited and cropped pictures and sent them out to everyone. I tried working on a puzzle for a while but my head was just full of flash backs and very negative thoughts. I decided to try to take a nap, I did fall asleep but it wasn't restful. I didn't fight my dreams they took over. I was giving up I had no more strength I was done fighting. I texted my friends asking if anyone wasn't too busy then got in the shower. Two responded but one was in Wisconsin the other called and I'm pretty sure I freaked her out as I could hear it in her voice. She convinced me to wake up Aaron and she talk to him about going to the hospital. So we went to the er I knew the drill I've been there before, but I didn't want to talk, I was too tired. After what seemed like a really short stay in the er I was taken up to the behavioral health unit where I was shown my room (a private room with south facing windows) and the day area. I just curled up in bed and cried until they came by to give me some medicine that would help me sleep. I slept that night for a long time, without waking up and with only weird dreams no night mares. I woke up so tired but the dr. wanted to talk to me. We talked and he encouraged me to leave my room and do some of the group activities. I left my room for breakfast and ate a little then went back to sleep. An announcement came over the PA system for spirituality group that was starting in a few minutes. I didn't want to go, I was at the worst place I've been at in years, how could a loving God ignore all the pleas for strength and help that I had made. After a few minutes I told myself to go, after all the dr wanted me to participate. I went, I was late, I found it weird. There was a handout with responsive reading, a gospel passage and a short prayer. We went through those systematically and at the end the chaplain asked what the gospel or good news is to you. Others responded with a response of its what feel good for you and it's what you think right is. I sat there debating in my head. They have no clue what the gospel is, is this something I really believe? because if it is than I can't stay quiet His truth must be proclaimed. So I sat there debating and waiting. I decided, this is the truth, this is what I believe and it doesn't matter that I'm tired, I have to share. I knew I couldn't believe that this God is great and that His name should be proclaimed even in the psych ward. I was at rock bottom, but His name, and His truth had to be proclaimed. I would have no reason for living if I didn't have hope in God. He is my rock (even at the bottom of the pit) and my salvation is assured in what Jesus accomplished on the cross. Apparently I had to land in the hospital to find out if that's what I truly believed. I'm thankful for the hospital being that tool I'm thankful I'm still alive and I pray for those who heard the gospel that morning.