A Simple Errand

     Today I had the rare opportunity to eat lunch with Aaron, just him and me. I took advantage of it even though it's so freezing cold out that I'd rather stay in and warm. Truth is I had to run to the store too so I had to leave already so why not make it special.
     It sounds so simple you probably already missed it. I had to run to the store. I haven't been to the store by myself since some time in December when something crashed to the floor at the grocery store right behind me and sent my fight or flight response in overdrive and I barely made it to the car before completely losing it, and by losing it I mean hyperventilating, sobbing, shaking, forgetting how to ground myself, call a friend in a panic to help me out.  So today I met Aaron for lunch and I was doing well still so I was determined to try to go to the store by myself.  I could feel the knots in my stomach starting on the the drive there, it was only 6 minutes so they didn't have much time to form but you can think of a lot of things that can happen and go wrong in that time period, trust me tons. I put math on my side and tried my best to convince myself that the probability of any of those things happening was slight at best and that I only had 8 things on my list, which I had memorized so I wouldn't have to look down to read, and I knew exactly where each thing was and I could be in and out in no time at all. As I walked into the store with a cart, because carts help create space around me people won't enter, I could feel the anxiety rise. I was focused though, I was going to do it and it was going to be ok I mean it's Aldi it's not that big.  I find the first two things on the list and as I walk past the buzzer they have on the wall to call for another cashier it goes off. I try my best not to jump out of my skin. I am startled but it's Aldi it should an acceptable things that happens there and I should expect it. Well, it still startles me and of course I'm the absolute closest you can be to it when it went off. So much for probability, flight is heightened and I start to panic but try to talk myself down with all these logical arguments but it's not working my chest is tightening, it's getting harder to breath my memorized list becomes fuzzy and I start trying to go through the store as fast as I can so that I can try to hold it together long enough to get to the car. This works well until I get held up my a elderly couple blocking the row, the wife patiently waiting as her husband browses, I just wanted through but I could tell that wasn't going to happen. Fortunately there wasn't a line at check out and the aforementioned elderly couple had like 5 things. I am trying my best to get out of the store as fast as I can that I end up trying to pay with the wrong card which of course adds panic to the whole thing and takes a longer time. I eventually made it to the car and literally threw everything in the car, put up the cart and then sat in the car texted a friend and worked on calming down so that I could drive safely.

     That is a simple trip to the store when you have PTSD.  I didn't finish my shopping, I had another store to go to but didn't because I knew I wouldn't be able to do it. I made it home and crashed, exhausted from my outing, I laid down for about an hour and cried on and off trying to get control over my breathing and heart rate. I write, not this, but I write, it helps, then crochet the blanket I'm working on and then think about those who say they are reading and learning.  I knew that the experience would lose feeling and realness the longer I was removed from it happening so here I am almost reliving all the feelings again writing it but thankfully with less intensity.