I received a call this morning from Timberline saying that they had room for me tomorrow. My plans have now changed again. I will be going back to Chicago area tomorrow and will be there for a month, hopefully for real this time.
Rules are the same as before calls and letters are permitted.
the address is:
Timberline Knolls
Casey Holland
40 Timberline Dr
Lemont, IL 60439
This I think is a better option for me and it starts more quickly which is another good thing. I really wish all of this wasn't so crazy, up in the air and more planned out but that's not the case so we know God is sovriegn and believe it. So, we will be continuing to move or not with faith that God will put me where I need to be when I need to be there.
I won't have access to email or my phone starting tomorrow afternoon. I do appreciate your prayers, thoughts, letters and love.
Bye for now family and friends.
Monday, July 27, 2015
Sunday, July 26, 2015
What's Next
I wanted to let people know what's going on. I didn't really know what to say until I had some answers. I have some now so, here we go:
I'm home from residential treatment. Insurance only covered me for a week there and at the end of that week I didn't meet their criteria for that level of care so I'm home. I thought that I would be going back to the same place at a lower level but it hasn't seemed to work out over the past couple weeks.
I talked to my psychiatrist about what to do and she though a partial hospitalization program would be the next best step. I already did the one here in town and didn't find it to be helpful at all so we were looking to see if there was a more specialized one at the University of Iowa. Well, after a week and a half they never called me or my dr's offices many calls to them so we have no idea what's going on there or if it would even be helpful.
My brother and sister in law have offered for me to stay at their house and do a partial program in Milwaukee. The hospital just does psychiatric care and they have lots of specialized programs so I wouldn't be lumped into groups that wouldn't necessarily benefit from. It's the best option we have and most cost effective on us. Insurance shouldn't be a problem with this and I have a place to stay for a couple months. The only down side right now is that there is a two to three week waiting period because it is full. I'm still not doing well and life is hard so that's a long time to not have the help (especially since I've already gone two weeks) I need but at the same time it's not forever. Another advantage to this program is I will be able to be with my boys on the weekends. It ends at 2:30 every day so I will be able to drive home and see them. I will also have my phone and access to email and such which will be nice.
I am disappointed that I'm not on the down hill part of recovery like i think i may have been if I was able to stay at residential but at least now there is some direction. The residential treatment left me worse off than when I had gone in, talking over my history and trauma opened wounds up but there wasn't time to work on them. I had so many panic attacks while I was there and I also didn't sleep well. It was REALLY hard being there. So, I've been coloring a lot to help keep me calm and not going very many places or talking to anyone because I don't know what to say. I wasn't supposed to be home and I'm not ok, it wasn't like I was going away for fun. So, I'm here and if you'd like to contact me or email me I will be able to respond now. Thank you to the friends that sent me letters and gifts to help me through this time, I appreciate it more than you could know.
I'm home from residential treatment. Insurance only covered me for a week there and at the end of that week I didn't meet their criteria for that level of care so I'm home. I thought that I would be going back to the same place at a lower level but it hasn't seemed to work out over the past couple weeks.
I talked to my psychiatrist about what to do and she though a partial hospitalization program would be the next best step. I already did the one here in town and didn't find it to be helpful at all so we were looking to see if there was a more specialized one at the University of Iowa. Well, after a week and a half they never called me or my dr's offices many calls to them so we have no idea what's going on there or if it would even be helpful.
My brother and sister in law have offered for me to stay at their house and do a partial program in Milwaukee. The hospital just does psychiatric care and they have lots of specialized programs so I wouldn't be lumped into groups that wouldn't necessarily benefit from. It's the best option we have and most cost effective on us. Insurance shouldn't be a problem with this and I have a place to stay for a couple months. The only down side right now is that there is a two to three week waiting period because it is full. I'm still not doing well and life is hard so that's a long time to not have the help (especially since I've already gone two weeks) I need but at the same time it's not forever. Another advantage to this program is I will be able to be with my boys on the weekends. It ends at 2:30 every day so I will be able to drive home and see them. I will also have my phone and access to email and such which will be nice.
I am disappointed that I'm not on the down hill part of recovery like i think i may have been if I was able to stay at residential but at least now there is some direction. The residential treatment left me worse off than when I had gone in, talking over my history and trauma opened wounds up but there wasn't time to work on them. I had so many panic attacks while I was there and I also didn't sleep well. It was REALLY hard being there. So, I've been coloring a lot to help keep me calm and not going very many places or talking to anyone because I don't know what to say. I wasn't supposed to be home and I'm not ok, it wasn't like I was going away for fun. So, I'm here and if you'd like to contact me or email me I will be able to respond now. Thank you to the friends that sent me letters and gifts to help me through this time, I appreciate it more than you could know.
Friday, July 3, 2015
Bye for now
I finally got word from the insurance company. I've been approved to go today. It's one of those mixed feeling things, on one hand they think that this is where I'm at in life and need the help, on the other hand, this IS where I'm at in life and I do need the help. Sometimes I'm ok with it others not and as it gets closer and closer to time to leave and saying good bye to my friends and family the more real it becomes and the more scared I get. And sad, a sad that I've never really felt before, it's a different level of sad and I don't have words to describe it. It physically hurts in addition to the normal sad feeling.
I'm headed out now.
The address is
I'm headed out now.
The address is
Timberline Knolls
Casey Holland
Willow Lodge
40 Timberline Dr.
Lemont, IL 60439
Lemont, IL 60439
thanks for praying friends.
Wednesday, July 1, 2015
Processing...
Sunday's phone interview was not fun. I had to talk about stuff I'd rather never talk about ever again and talk about how I am, where I'm at and how it looks and physical reactions. All in all not fun, exhausting and discouraging. At the end of the call the lady on the other end said it really sounds like you need to be here so we will work on getting you here as soon as possible.
After several days of processing what is happening and the likely hood that I will be going to Chicago I'm finally ok with it. I didn't want to go because it felt like I was being sent away and that I didn't really have a choice. I do have the choice and this is what we believe would help me the most, not that I want to go now, I'm just ok with it now. Insurance has confirmed that I have coverage for this but I have to be pre-certified now.
In the mean time I've had friends let me talk and cry with them and listen to really uncomfortable conversations with with the admissions people at Timberline and most importantly they've prayed for me. From what I was told yesterday I was probably going to be going over today. Well that didn't happen. They are waiting for records to be sent, I had to sign releases so everyone can talk to everyone else and of course there was a hiccup in that process. So this morning at 8:30 I was called and told that I'd have an answer from insurance this morning or early afternoon. That didn't happen either. Once records are received then they can call in insurance company. So for the last two days I've been told that insurance will likely approve it so be ready to go, they have a space open for me now. So I'm packed, ready to go whenever I'm cleared. But two days later I'm still home.
I've learned that I won't have internet access but I can do snail mail and maybe calls. After some period of time I can have visitors during certain hours. I don't know any of the details of these things at this point.
Friends from near and far have been praying and giving me words of encouragement that really are encouraging. So as I wait I am choosing to trust that God is sovereign and He knew I needed this time to be ok with going and to receive prayer and these words of wisdom from my wise friends. I love them and I'm so very thankful they love me. One friend sent this to me:
"Psalm 62:8
Trust in him at all times, O people;
God is a refuge for us.
pour out your heart before him;
I love that the psalmist here puts both crying out and trusting the same verse. I think sometime Christians can be tempted to think/suggest that if we are trusting then we won't be crying out, or if we are crying out then we must not be trusting. But here the psalmist expresses that we can do both -- both trust and cry out, because God is our refuge, both a refuge in that He comforts us (the way a father with a child should be a refuge) and in that He protects us."
This was helpful for me because I'm crying out, and I'm trying to trust.
Now, I'm trying to not be anxious but patiently wait.
After several days of processing what is happening and the likely hood that I will be going to Chicago I'm finally ok with it. I didn't want to go because it felt like I was being sent away and that I didn't really have a choice. I do have the choice and this is what we believe would help me the most, not that I want to go now, I'm just ok with it now. Insurance has confirmed that I have coverage for this but I have to be pre-certified now.
In the mean time I've had friends let me talk and cry with them and listen to really uncomfortable conversations with with the admissions people at Timberline and most importantly they've prayed for me. From what I was told yesterday I was probably going to be going over today. Well that didn't happen. They are waiting for records to be sent, I had to sign releases so everyone can talk to everyone else and of course there was a hiccup in that process. So this morning at 8:30 I was called and told that I'd have an answer from insurance this morning or early afternoon. That didn't happen either. Once records are received then they can call in insurance company. So for the last two days I've been told that insurance will likely approve it so be ready to go, they have a space open for me now. So I'm packed, ready to go whenever I'm cleared. But two days later I'm still home.
I've learned that I won't have internet access but I can do snail mail and maybe calls. After some period of time I can have visitors during certain hours. I don't know any of the details of these things at this point.
Friends from near and far have been praying and giving me words of encouragement that really are encouraging. So as I wait I am choosing to trust that God is sovereign and He knew I needed this time to be ok with going and to receive prayer and these words of wisdom from my wise friends. I love them and I'm so very thankful they love me. One friend sent this to me:
"Psalm 62:8
Trust in him at all times, O people;
God is a refuge for us.
pour out your heart before him;
I love that the psalmist here puts both crying out and trusting the same verse. I think sometime Christians can be tempted to think/suggest that if we are trusting then we won't be crying out, or if we are crying out then we must not be trusting. But here the psalmist expresses that we can do both -- both trust and cry out, because God is our refuge, both a refuge in that He comforts us (the way a father with a child should be a refuge) and in that He protects us."
This was helpful for me because I'm crying out, and I'm trying to trust.
Now, I'm trying to not be anxious but patiently wait.
Thursday, June 25, 2015
The Next Step
I'm doing something I haven't yet done on this journey. I'm going to tell you what's going on as it's happening instead of waiting till after. So please be nice, be encouraging or don't say anything. This is beyond hard to do but if I'm going to be honest this is what I need to do and I don't know how else to tell my friends what's going to happen. So....
I was given a couple of options of where to go next. One is called partial hospitalization. It is intensive group therapy for 6 hours a day covering topics like coping skills, assertion, leisure, goal setting and group therapy in which the topic changes to address what the group needs. It's long and exhausting and not too helpful for me. For others it seems to help a lot, but for me there are a few things that get in the way. First, I don't like talking much when I'm well so when I'm sick I don't talk pretty much at all. Here, online, I can hide behind the screen and I can rewrite and reword things until they say what I really intend to say. So, to put me in a room where I have to talk about me and my struggles with people I don't know in a new place when I'm really not doing well doesn't really work. I do have to admit it is getting slightly easier to speak several days into it. That being said I answer direct questions and not much else. I only say things when I have something that I think is worth saying and I'm going to wait until there is silence. I have found that most people don't like silence and fill it quickly even if they don't really have anything to say.
The other thing that is to my disadvantage is that I've already taken classes on all these skills. I've learned them, I've practiced them, I use them. My startle reflex or 'danger meter' is way off. It doesn't seem to matter that I can tell myself that I'm in a safe place and that nothing is going to happen, I have a panic attack and end up throwing up half the time and gagging almost all the time. This isn't just happening when I'm in crowded places like it used to, it's happening all the time, everywhere I go. Every time I leave the house and go to a place that isn't on my very short safe place list, this happens. It used to happen when I was alone or only with the boys, now it doesn't matter if Aaron is with me. I used to be ok going places where I knew other friends would be, like the park, now I have to fight to get there and once I'm there I still can't engage people.So when you put all these things together it's not a pretty picture. My psychiatrist wanted me to try partial because in her words it'd be easier than going to Chicago or Kansas City. That way I wouldn't be away from my family and could still be home at night.
The bad news is it's not what I need. After telling my counselor what it was like and what things were covered she agreed with me that it really isn't what I need and probably won't help much. I really need trauma therapy. The hard thing about it is once a week with a counselor is going to be really difficult to get deep enough to help (remember I don't like talking) and take a very long time since I'd have to be back to 'ok' by the end of the session. Even though it would take a very long time, in my head it's safer. I already know my counselor, I trust her, and we've done some of this before. The problem is my world is getting really small and it's getting worse very quickly. I only have 3 safe places left to go, and one of those is only on certain days at certain times and a few friends houses that I will go to. Other than that I stay home. Because of this I have received another label. I think is is generalized anxiety disorder with agoraphobia. Basically what has happened is that I was having so many panic attacks and I hated them so much I started to avoid places that I'd have them. Generally easy to do until I started having panic attacks at places that I hadn't before. That's when my world started shrinking. We are trying to stop it before it gets to the point that I feel like I can't leave the house.
The other option is a residential treatment center. That means that Chicago or Kansas City option is now real and the option. They can do trauma therapy faster and with more intensity because they can keep me safe between sessions. They can also address all the other issues that I have going on at the same time.
So how do I feel about this? I'm scared, terrified actually. I'm going to a new place that I've never been to and have to trust new people. I will have to talk. I'm sad, sad because this is where I'm at right now, I can't pretend I'm not that bad, sad because I have to leave my family for a while. Sad because I'm going to miss Tobin's birthday. We had a really fun camping trip planned, now I will be in Chicago. Afraid to hope, I don't know if it will work. The amount of work that I'm going to have to do is daunting and I know it's going to be really difficult but then again nothing about this is easy.
So now we've done all the preliminary stuff to make sure insurance is good to go and they've checked with my dr. so I have an intake interview on Sunday. I think at that point I will find out what day I go. Initially they told me that it takes about a week to get through the whole admissions process. If that's the case it'll be the 1st or 2nd but really I have no idea. I'll be gone for at least 30 days, but they told me the average is more like 45 to 60 days. That's pretty much what I know right now. There is more information on their website that you can read if you'd like.
The website is timberlineknolls.com
I don't know why I'm going through this, I don't know what God is doing. Tonight though I learned a little about that though. I learned that me being open and honest has helped others be open up and be honest about hurting. So I know God is working though I don't understand it. I know God loves me. I know I am justified and adopted into His family. I know my God is bigger than this. I know He knows what i'm going through more than I have words to try to explain. My prayer is that I will believe Psalm 27 to its fullest, if you'd pray it over me I would appreciate it. I have the full understanding of what it feels like it be in Psalm 22. My pastor told me tonight that He gives beauty instead of ashes (Isa 61:3), I'm still working on believing that one...
I was given a couple of options of where to go next. One is called partial hospitalization. It is intensive group therapy for 6 hours a day covering topics like coping skills, assertion, leisure, goal setting and group therapy in which the topic changes to address what the group needs. It's long and exhausting and not too helpful for me. For others it seems to help a lot, but for me there are a few things that get in the way. First, I don't like talking much when I'm well so when I'm sick I don't talk pretty much at all. Here, online, I can hide behind the screen and I can rewrite and reword things until they say what I really intend to say. So, to put me in a room where I have to talk about me and my struggles with people I don't know in a new place when I'm really not doing well doesn't really work. I do have to admit it is getting slightly easier to speak several days into it. That being said I answer direct questions and not much else. I only say things when I have something that I think is worth saying and I'm going to wait until there is silence. I have found that most people don't like silence and fill it quickly even if they don't really have anything to say.
The other thing that is to my disadvantage is that I've already taken classes on all these skills. I've learned them, I've practiced them, I use them. My startle reflex or 'danger meter' is way off. It doesn't seem to matter that I can tell myself that I'm in a safe place and that nothing is going to happen, I have a panic attack and end up throwing up half the time and gagging almost all the time. This isn't just happening when I'm in crowded places like it used to, it's happening all the time, everywhere I go. Every time I leave the house and go to a place that isn't on my very short safe place list, this happens. It used to happen when I was alone or only with the boys, now it doesn't matter if Aaron is with me. I used to be ok going places where I knew other friends would be, like the park, now I have to fight to get there and once I'm there I still can't engage people.So when you put all these things together it's not a pretty picture. My psychiatrist wanted me to try partial because in her words it'd be easier than going to Chicago or Kansas City. That way I wouldn't be away from my family and could still be home at night.
The bad news is it's not what I need. After telling my counselor what it was like and what things were covered she agreed with me that it really isn't what I need and probably won't help much. I really need trauma therapy. The hard thing about it is once a week with a counselor is going to be really difficult to get deep enough to help (remember I don't like talking) and take a very long time since I'd have to be back to 'ok' by the end of the session. Even though it would take a very long time, in my head it's safer. I already know my counselor, I trust her, and we've done some of this before. The problem is my world is getting really small and it's getting worse very quickly. I only have 3 safe places left to go, and one of those is only on certain days at certain times and a few friends houses that I will go to. Other than that I stay home. Because of this I have received another label. I think is is generalized anxiety disorder with agoraphobia. Basically what has happened is that I was having so many panic attacks and I hated them so much I started to avoid places that I'd have them. Generally easy to do until I started having panic attacks at places that I hadn't before. That's when my world started shrinking. We are trying to stop it before it gets to the point that I feel like I can't leave the house.
The other option is a residential treatment center. That means that Chicago or Kansas City option is now real and the option. They can do trauma therapy faster and with more intensity because they can keep me safe between sessions. They can also address all the other issues that I have going on at the same time.
So how do I feel about this? I'm scared, terrified actually. I'm going to a new place that I've never been to and have to trust new people. I will have to talk. I'm sad, sad because this is where I'm at right now, I can't pretend I'm not that bad, sad because I have to leave my family for a while. Sad because I'm going to miss Tobin's birthday. We had a really fun camping trip planned, now I will be in Chicago. Afraid to hope, I don't know if it will work. The amount of work that I'm going to have to do is daunting and I know it's going to be really difficult but then again nothing about this is easy.
So now we've done all the preliminary stuff to make sure insurance is good to go and they've checked with my dr. so I have an intake interview on Sunday. I think at that point I will find out what day I go. Initially they told me that it takes about a week to get through the whole admissions process. If that's the case it'll be the 1st or 2nd but really I have no idea. I'll be gone for at least 30 days, but they told me the average is more like 45 to 60 days. That's pretty much what I know right now. There is more information on their website that you can read if you'd like.
The website is timberlineknolls.com
I don't know why I'm going through this, I don't know what God is doing. Tonight though I learned a little about that though. I learned that me being open and honest has helped others be open up and be honest about hurting. So I know God is working though I don't understand it. I know God loves me. I know I am justified and adopted into His family. I know my God is bigger than this. I know He knows what i'm going through more than I have words to try to explain. My prayer is that I will believe Psalm 27 to its fullest, if you'd pray it over me I would appreciate it. I have the full understanding of what it feels like it be in Psalm 22. My pastor told me tonight that He gives beauty instead of ashes (Isa 61:3), I'm still working on believing that one...
Tuesday, June 16, 2015
Songs not Words
I've been quiet lately. That doesn't mean nothing has been going on actually far from it. Medicines have changed I don't even know how many times and life has been dark and hard. The meds I'm on now help with the racing thoughts, but they slow them down so much that it is really hard to write. I've sat down with intentions of writing several times to come up with only a few words to say. So, since that is the case I decided to use songs to try to communicate what I'm feeling and where I'm at.
So, here goes...
Creed- Third Day
This is the apostles creed. I remember hearing this song for the first time and already knowing most of the words it was surreal. Anyways, this is the basics, and when I don't want anything to do with God, don't believe he is good this reminds me. 'I believe in a life that never ends.'
Worn- Tenth Ave North
I get this song, I get what it's saying. I'm tired of fighting, breathing some days takes so much effort that's about all that happens, yet i want to hope, i want to know all this pain will end someday. I have lost the will to fight, to do anything, to move.
Now for a change of pace:
In The End- Linkin Park
I've tried hard, I've tried to hold on hiding what's really going on inside of me when I'm out. but in reality In the end it doesn't matter, I've fallen so far, it's all in pieces and it feels like all the effort I've made doesn't matter, it doesn't make a difference I'll fail anyways why try.
Numb- Linkin Park
I've tried, I can't do it. every step, everything I try to do ends up being a mistake, making things worse than they were before. I feel like the girl in this video, I'm different and the world continues to move regardless of what I do. The girl has emotion at the end, not me, not when I am at the point of getting this song, I feel numb and have been told my eyes look dead.
Crawling -Linkin Park
These wounds will not heal... but I get these lyrics too, like all of them, unfortunately... These are my angry songs and that's what they sound like too so it fits...
ok one more from Linkin Park... I guess I really get their songs...
Papercut- Linkin Park
The thoughts in my head overwhelm me, even right now thoughts aren't racing but they are intense and hard to move past. and i'm always watching my back, everywhere all the time. I have an exaggerated startle reflex and it's not fun since it sends me into panic attacks sometimes.
But then I have family, friends and a church that does this.
Pray you through- Sixteen Cities
I'm out of words, everything has fallen in, I'm crushed. but they let me cry, not say anything, and tell the ugly truth and respond with truth.
So maybe... this is where
Healing Begins- Tenth Ave North
This song meant a lot to me the last time I was having a hard time. Now I listen to it but I can't see any healing or progress being made so, I like it but...
I guess that's enough for now, I could continue on but this is already a really long post if you listen to the songs.. (or even just read the lyrics).
This week I'm going to try something I've never done before to try to get at least a little better, out of this hole i'm in. My psychiatrist prescribed it but it's not medicine. I'll eventually say more about it once I know more and have tried it. My friends have also been doing research for me (because I'm not doing anything looking or trying) presenting me with a few more options of different things to try that I've never done before but study's show promise.
So, here goes...
Creed- Third Day
Worn- Tenth Ave North
Now for a change of pace:
In The End- Linkin Park
I've tried hard, I've tried to hold on hiding what's really going on inside of me when I'm out. but in reality In the end it doesn't matter, I've fallen so far, it's all in pieces and it feels like all the effort I've made doesn't matter, it doesn't make a difference I'll fail anyways why try.
Numb- Linkin Park
I've tried, I can't do it. every step, everything I try to do ends up being a mistake, making things worse than they were before. I feel like the girl in this video, I'm different and the world continues to move regardless of what I do. The girl has emotion at the end, not me, not when I am at the point of getting this song, I feel numb and have been told my eyes look dead.
Crawling -Linkin Park
These wounds will not heal... but I get these lyrics too, like all of them, unfortunately... These are my angry songs and that's what they sound like too so it fits...
ok one more from Linkin Park... I guess I really get their songs...
Papercut- Linkin Park
The thoughts in my head overwhelm me, even right now thoughts aren't racing but they are intense and hard to move past. and i'm always watching my back, everywhere all the time. I have an exaggerated startle reflex and it's not fun since it sends me into panic attacks sometimes.
But then I have family, friends and a church that does this.
Pray you through- Sixteen Cities
I'm out of words, everything has fallen in, I'm crushed. but they let me cry, not say anything, and tell the ugly truth and respond with truth.
So maybe... this is where
Healing Begins- Tenth Ave North
I guess that's enough for now, I could continue on but this is already a really long post if you listen to the songs.. (or even just read the lyrics).
This week I'm going to try something I've never done before to try to get at least a little better, out of this hole i'm in. My psychiatrist prescribed it but it's not medicine. I'll eventually say more about it once I know more and have tried it. My friends have also been doing research for me (because I'm not doing anything looking or trying) presenting me with a few more options of different things to try that I've never done before but study's show promise.
Friday, April 3, 2015
Because He Lives
I am loved
I am forgiven
I am justified
He is my light and salvation
There is no condemnation
I am a saint
There is a reason to keep going
I have a future
I am not alone
There is hope.
If I didn't believe in Jesus I'd be gone. There would be no reason to hope, no joy, no purpose in living. In the darkest moments when I am so scared of everything He is the reason I stop. He knows the pain I'm in, he knows my fears he sees my tears and he loves me and shows me grace. I mess up alot, I sin everyday but Jesus paid with his life for all of them past, present, and future. If I didn't believe the gospel, death would be my only hope for ending this pain.
So now as I go through this struggle I know I am not alone. And even though I don't see the point, god knows. He knows going to new places is hard. He knows the physical pain I've been in. He knows everything I face. Everything that I have gone through and will go through he knows and has a purpose for. Jesus loves, so I have hope.
I am forgiven
I am justified
He is my light and salvation
There is no condemnation
I am a saint
There is a reason to keep going
I have a future
I am not alone
There is hope.
If I didn't believe in Jesus I'd be gone. There would be no reason to hope, no joy, no purpose in living. In the darkest moments when I am so scared of everything He is the reason I stop. He knows the pain I'm in, he knows my fears he sees my tears and he loves me and shows me grace. I mess up alot, I sin everyday but Jesus paid with his life for all of them past, present, and future. If I didn't believe the gospel, death would be my only hope for ending this pain.
So now as I go through this struggle I know I am not alone. And even though I don't see the point, god knows. He knows going to new places is hard. He knows the physical pain I've been in. He knows everything I face. Everything that I have gone through and will go through he knows and has a purpose for. Jesus loves, so I have hope.
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