I finally got word from the insurance company. I've been approved to go today. It's one of those mixed feeling things, on one hand they think that this is where I'm at in life and need the help, on the other hand, this IS where I'm at in life and I do need the help. Sometimes I'm ok with it others not and as it gets closer and closer to time to leave and saying good bye to my friends and family the more real it becomes and the more scared I get. And sad, a sad that I've never really felt before, it's a different level of sad and I don't have words to describe it. It physically hurts in addition to the normal sad feeling.
I'm headed out now.
The address is
Sunday's phone interview was not fun. I had to talk about stuff I'd rather never talk about ever again and talk about how I am, where I'm at and how it looks and physical reactions. All in all not fun, exhausting and discouraging. At the end of the call the lady on the other end said it really sounds like you need to be here so we will work on getting you here as soon as possible.
After several days of processing what is happening and the likely hood that I will be going to Chicago I'm finally ok with it. I didn't want to go because it felt like I was being sent away and that I didn't really have a choice. I do have the choice and this is what we believe would help me the most, not that I want to go now, I'm just ok with it now. Insurance has confirmed that I have coverage for this but I have to be pre-certified now.
In the mean time I've had friends let me talk and cry with them and listen to really uncomfortable conversations with with the admissions people at Timberline and most importantly they've prayed for me. From what I was told yesterday I was probably going to be going over today. Well that didn't happen. They are waiting for records to be sent, I had to sign releases so everyone can talk to everyone else and of course there was a hiccup in that process. So this morning at 8:30 I was called and told that I'd have an answer from insurance this morning or early afternoon. That didn't happen either. Once records are received then they can call in insurance company. So for the last two days I've been told that insurance will likely approve it so be ready to go, they have a space open for me now. So I'm packed, ready to go whenever I'm cleared. But two days later I'm still home.
I've learned that I won't have internet access but I can do snail mail and maybe calls. After some period of time I can have visitors during certain hours. I don't know any of the details of these things at this point.
Friends from near and far have been praying and giving me words of encouragement that really are encouraging. So as I wait I am choosing to trust that God is sovereign and He knew I needed this time to be ok with going and to receive prayer and these words of wisdom from my wise friends. I love them and I'm so very thankful they love me. One friend sent this to me:
"Psalm 62:8 Trust in him at all times, O people; God is a refuge for us. pour out your heart before him; I love that the psalmist here puts both crying out and trusting the same verse. I think sometime Christians can be tempted to think/suggest that if we are trusting then we won't be crying out, or if we are crying out then we must not be trusting. But here the psalmist expresses that we can do both -- both trust and cry out, because God is our refuge, both a refuge in that He comforts us (the way a father with a child should be a refuge) and in that He protects us."
This was helpful for me because I'm crying out, and I'm trying to trust.
Now, I'm trying to not be anxious but patiently wait.
I'm doing something I haven't yet done on this journey. I'm going to tell you what's going on as it's happening instead of waiting till after. So please be nice, be encouraging or don't say anything. This is beyond hard to do but if I'm going to be honest this is what I need to do and I don't know how else to tell my friends what's going to happen. So.... I was given a couple of options of where to go next. One is called partial hospitalization. It is intensive group therapy for 6 hours a day covering topics like coping skills, assertion, leisure, goal setting and group therapy in which the topic changes to address what the group needs. It's long and exhausting and not too helpful for me. For others it seems to help a lot, but for me there are a few things that get in the way. First, I don't like talking much when I'm well so when I'm sick I don't talk pretty much at all. Here, online, I can hide behind the screen and I can rewrite and reword things until they say what I really intend to say. So, to put me in a room where I have to talk about me and my struggles with people I don't know in a new place when I'm really not doing well doesn't really work. I do have to admit it is getting slightly easier to speak several days into it. That being said I answer direct questions and not much else. I only say things when I have something that I think is worth saying and I'm going to wait until there is silence. I have found that most people don't like silence and fill it quickly even if they don't really have anything to say. The other thing that is to my disadvantage is that I've already taken classes on all these skills. I've learned them, I've practiced them, I use them. My startle reflex or 'danger meter' is way off. It doesn't seem to matter that I can tell myself that I'm in a safe place and that nothing is going to happen, I have a panic attack and end up throwing up half the time and gagging almost all the time. This isn't just happening when I'm in crowded places like it used to, it's happening all the time, everywhere I go. Every time I leave the house and go to a place that isn't on my very short safe place list, this happens. It used to happen when I was alone or only with the boys, now it doesn't matter if Aaron is with me. I used to be ok going places where I knew other friends would be, like the park, now I have to fight to get there and once I'm there I still can't engage people.So when you put all these things together it's not a pretty picture. My psychiatrist wanted me to try partial because in her words it'd be easier than going to Chicago or Kansas City. That way I wouldn't be away from my family and could still be home at night. The bad news is it's not what I need. After telling my counselor what it was like and what things were covered she agreed with me that it really isn't what I need and probably won't help much. I really need trauma therapy. The hard thing about it is once a week with a counselor is going to be really difficult to get deep enough to help (remember I don't like talking) and take a very long time since I'd have to be back to 'ok' by the end of the session. Even though it would take a very long time, in my head it's safer. I already know my counselor, I trust her, and we've done some of this before. The problem is my world is getting really small and it's getting worse very quickly. I only have 3 safe places left to go, and one of those is only on certain days at certain times and a few friends houses that I will go to. Other than that I stay home. Because of this I have received another label. I think is is generalized anxiety disorder with agoraphobia. Basically what has happened is that I was having so many panic attacks and I hated them so much I started to avoid places that I'd have them. Generally easy to do until I started having panic attacks at places that I hadn't before. That's when my world started shrinking. We are trying to stop it before it gets to the point that I feel like I can't leave the house. The other option is a residential treatment center. That means that Chicago or Kansas City option is now real and the option. They can do trauma therapy faster and with more intensity because they can keep me safe between sessions. They can also address all the other issues that I have going on at the same time. So how do I feel about this? I'm scared, terrified actually. I'm going to a new place that I've never been to and have to trust new people. I will have to talk. I'm sad, sad because this is where I'm at right now, I can't pretend I'm not that bad, sad because I have to leave my family for a while. Sad because I'm going to miss Tobin's birthday. We had a really fun camping trip planned, now I will be in Chicago. Afraid to hope, I don't know if it will work. The amount of work that I'm going to have to do is daunting and I know it's going to be really difficult but then again nothing about this is easy.
So now we've done all the preliminary stuff to make sure insurance is good to go and they've checked with my dr. so I have an intake interview on Sunday. I think at that point I will find out what day I go. Initially they told me that it takes about a week to get through the whole admissions process. If that's the case it'll be the 1st or 2nd but really I have no idea. I'll be gone for at least 30 days, but they told me the average is more like 45 to 60 days. That's pretty much what I know right now. There is more information on their website that you can read if you'd like. The website is timberlineknolls.com I don't know why I'm going through this, I don't know what God is doing. Tonight though I learned a little about that though. I learned that me being open and honest has helped others be open up and be honest about hurting. So I know God is working though I don't understand it. I know God loves me. I know I am justified and adopted into His family. I know my God is bigger than this. I know He knows what i'm going through more than I have words to try to explain. My prayer is that I will believe Psalm 27 to its fullest, if you'd pray it over me I would appreciate it. I have the full understanding of what it feels like it be in Psalm 22. My pastor told me tonight that He gives beauty instead of ashes (Isa 61:3), I'm still working on believing that one...
I've been quiet lately. That doesn't mean nothing has been going on actually far from it. Medicines have changed I don't even know how many times and life has been dark and hard. The meds I'm on now help with the racing thoughts, but they slow them down so much that it is really hard to write. I've sat down with intentions of writing several times to come up with only a few words to say. So, since that is the case I decided to use songs to try to communicate what I'm feeling and where I'm at.
So, here goes...
Creed- Third Day
This is the apostles creed. I remember hearing this song for the first time and already knowing most of the words it was surreal. Anyways, this is the basics, and when I don't want anything to do with God, don't believe he is good this reminds me. 'I believe in a life that never ends.'
Worn- Tenth Ave North
I get this song, I get what it's saying. I'm tired of fighting, breathing some days takes so much effort that's about all that happens, yet i want to hope, i want to know all this pain will end someday. I have lost the will to fight, to do anything, to move.
Now for a change of pace:
In The End- Linkin Park
I've tried hard, I've tried to hold on hiding what's really going on inside of me when I'm out. but in reality In the end it doesn't matter, I've fallen so far, it's all in pieces and it feels like all the effort I've made doesn't matter, it doesn't make a difference I'll fail anyways why try.
Numb- Linkin Park
I've tried, I can't do it. every step, everything I try to do ends up being a mistake, making things worse than they were before. I feel like the girl in this video, I'm different and the world continues to move regardless of what I do. The girl has emotion at the end, not me, not when I am at the point of getting this song, I feel numb and have been told my eyes look dead.
Crawling -Linkin Park
These wounds will not heal... but I get these lyrics too, like all of them, unfortunately... These are my angry songs and that's what they sound like too so it fits...
ok one more from Linkin Park... I guess I really get their songs...
Papercut- Linkin Park
The thoughts in my head overwhelm me, even right now thoughts aren't racing but they are intense and hard to move past. and i'm always watching my back, everywhere all the time. I have an exaggerated startle reflex and it's not fun since it sends me into panic attacks sometimes.
But then I have family, friends and a church that does this.
Pray you through- Sixteen Cities
I'm out of words, everything has fallen in, I'm crushed. but they let me cry, not say anything, and tell the ugly truth and respond with truth.
So maybe... this is where
Healing Begins- Tenth Ave North
This song meant a lot to me the last time I was having a hard time. Now I listen to it but I can't see any healing or progress being made so, I like it but...
I guess that's enough for now, I could continue on but this is already a really long post if you listen to the songs.. (or even just read the lyrics).
This week I'm going to try something I've never done before to try to get at least a little better, out of this hole i'm in. My psychiatrist prescribed it but it's not medicine. I'll eventually say more about it once I know more and have tried it. My friends have also been doing research for me (because I'm not doing anything looking or trying) presenting me with a few more options of different things to try that I've never done before but study's show promise.
I am loved I am forgiven I am justified He is my light and salvation There is no condemnation I am a saint There is a reason to keep going I have a future I am not alone There is hope. If I didn't believe in Jesus I'd be gone. There would be no reason to hope, no joy, no purpose in living. In the darkest moments when I am so scared of everything He is the reason I stop. He knows the pain I'm in, he knows my fears he sees my tears and he loves me and shows me grace. I mess up alot, I sin everyday but Jesus paid with his life for all of them past, present, and future. If I didn't believe the gospel, death would be my only hope for ending this pain. So now as I go through this struggle I know I am not alone. And even though I don't see the point, god knows. He knows going to new places is hard. He knows the physical pain I've been in. He knows everything I face.Everything that I have gone through and will go through he knows and has a purpose for. Jesus loves, so I have hope.
Things aren't so dark. That doesn't mean that I'm better, it just means that it's not as bad as it was there for a while. It was pretty bad, and since I'm not there at the moment I will let you know a little bit of what dark means. Dark means feelings of hopelessness, no desire to live, no reason to carry on. December, January and much of February was spent exhausted. The thoughts that went through my head where that of dying, wanting to die or telling myself I'd be better off dead. It's a bad place to be, because it steals everything, your energy, your thoughts, your life. Many days it was an accomplishment to get out of bed. The only thing that I did consistently was school with the boys, and many days it was done from my bed.
There are commonalities to the thoughts, there is always a little truth mixed with lies, that's what makes them convincing, that's why they're believable. If it was a flat out lie that would be so much easier to fight. Here are a few of the lies but a word of warning they may be hard to read. {it was my fault, i'm to blame, i did something wrong, i asked for it, I’m worthless, I’m not worthy of love, I’m nothing, I don’t have a right to live, i deserve to be alone, I am alone, i will be abandoned, I should be rejected, I am dirty, I will never be clean, I will be mocked if found out, I am a failure, if I make an effort I'm just asking to be hurt again, I don’t belong, I can’t be loved by god, he can't stand the evilness i represent, I can't be loved by people, they just feel sorry for a time then move on, I can’t let people know me once they do they will run, I should be the object of ridicule.} Those are real words i wrote in December literally copy and pasted, not even going to edit it. Sometimes things were worse than that but I think you get the idea. I was also fighting for sleep. I wasn't sleeping well at all, if at all. I was tired. I was afraid to go to sleep because I was having nightmares every night. If I did eventually fall asleep it wasn't for long, as I'd wake up during a nightmare, which means I remember every single detail of the dream. It wasn't helpful for having any energy, much less having energy for fighting the wanting to die thoughts. The lack of sleep fueled the fears that I would face during the day and my exaggerated startle reflex. I was afraid of panic attacks, they make you feel powerless and leave you in a more vulnerable position than you were in the first place, I hate them and avoided them and anything that might set one off. At the worst I wouldn't leave my house unless I was going somewhere with someone or I knew someone I trusted was going to be there. This includes grocery shopping doctors appointments and everything else one has to leave the house for. My mom and friends helped so much. Even now, i don't go places unless I have too, I avoided going to the grocery store yesterday because it sounded too difficult for me to handle at that point. Instead I made a sauce from scratch with stuff I already had at home. See I'm still not better, I am learning to live with it. I didn't want to acknowledge the fact that I was back in the place where suicide sounded like a good idea. I tried ignoring all the thoughts, thinking they'd go away. Instead they got stronger, bigger and more persistent. I admitted it was more than I could bear and went to the hospital. It was dark, so much so that it was hard to listen to Christian music. Did you know a lot of songs talk about heaven and to get to heaven you must die. Things were so twisted in my head. IT was late in the first week of March that i decided to fight those thoughts. It was pointless to fight anything else if I'm not fighting for living, at least that's what my logic was telling me. That paired with a medicine that knocks me out every night without nightmares things have improved. These things are very scary to share, please be kind, as I've been very honest.
Medicines are supposed to help, but unlike a bacterial infection where there are only a few options to fix the problem there are dozens of medicine that address depression and anxiety. Trust me I've seen the list, it's long and I've tried over 20 of them well over 20 of them. I don't know exactly how many but it's alot. Trying a new medicine isn't so easy, it's a minimum of a two week process unless you're in the hospital, but even in the hospital it takes time. The medicine has to build up in your system, this takes time, on average 2 weeks but up to 6. While this is happening you just have to plug along as best you can hoping the benifits will out weigh the side affects. Side affects that are acceptable range from drowsiness, to insomnia, or weight gain, dry mouth and constipation. Side affects that aren't are ones that make you pass out, really dizzy or mess with the hearts QST wave. Those are all things I've experienced, the drowsiness is helpful but every thing else isn't. The most resent was the messing with the QST progression, a potentially fatal side affect. As soon as it was found out I had to quit a medicine, one of two that I started at the same time in the hospital. So my dr decided to stop the one that had more bad side affects, makes sense. As the week went by after stopping my heart calmed down but other symptoms weren't so good. No sleep, nightmares, depression all coming back with a vengeance, time for another medicine switch. Stop one start the other back up and try to get through the bad stuff, the bad thoughts and the darkness.
With all the effort and frustration that accompanies trying to find a helpful medicine I know it's just a tool. It's not where my hope is placed. God is sovereign in everything even medicines working or not. God is sovereign over the struggles, the chemicals in my brain and if they work right or not. God is sovereign over everything. He allows them into my life to grow me and others, but growing hurts. I don't like it, it's hard and I don't do well seeing anything good without it being pointed out to me. That's where friends help so much, all I can see is the problems I cause, and the huge messes I make. I was telling a friend about this and her response was 'Those aren't huge messes. That's proof people love you.' She's right, people adjusting things and being willing to do things differently is proof they love me. More people know and more people (especially in my church) show love to me and my family. That's what Jesus told us to do and that's how the world would know we are different. It's in John 13:34-35 ESV "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”
It's easy to love people when there's nothing going on, it's much harder when things are difficult and they drag on for months or years, but that's what Christ calls us to and it is in him that there is hope. I am redeemed not for anything I do but because He is love.
