Flip Flops

     So, with help, I'm seeing things with a new hope. For the longest time I was not connecting with my kids at all. I was playing the part of parent and doing what I’m ‘supposed’ to do but that's it.  This last week my mom and the boys spent the week up here since it was my nephew's spring break. It was a tough week for me (if you don’t know what I’m talking about read the last post). But one bad, situation showed me something that I havn’t seen in a long time, the boys need for me and that I can connect to them.  There was a miscommunication and the boys ended up paying for it. I took them out of the situation and held them and let them cry on me and it gave me a chance to be mom and to love on them.  I don’t like that this situation had to happen for me to have that chance but that’s what the three of us needed. We are stronger for facing conflict together. They KNOW mommy is going to protect them and take time to listen to their words as they try to figure out what happened and how they are feeling.  The toughest situations bring us together and make our bonds tight. I really havn’t had that since I’ve been gone so long but now those bonds are tight again. I love my boys, and my boys love me. I am the best mom for them. I keep working through my trauma for me and my family.  It’s not easy and by no means fun, but if it were, everyone would do it. This is hard stuff, imagine trying to dig up a boulder with a plastic spoon hard.

     This has given me new energy to keep fighting, to face my demons day in and day out, even tough they leave me so tired, and they're never quite, they're there at night too(ahh night mares). So my battle is sleep and memory. I don’t know what it would look like to have a full nights sleep would do for me but I know it’d sure be nice to find out. As for memory, I can’t remember much of anything, or at least that’s what it feels like. I can’t remember conversations or details about anything and that is really frustrating for me but I know it’s a temporary thing that I have to deal with.  My body is super stressed and it’s showing up in many ways, that’s two of them.  

     I feel like I’m making progress after being stuck for a very long time, thank God.  Progress seems to come in spurts and I feel like I’m in one now.  I’m ‘excited?’ to work on this really crappy stuff because there’s movement.  I’d still do the work even when I didn’t feel like it but man to feel the love, see the movement, feel the hope makes doing this really hard exposure work worth it.

     I love my boys (all 3 of them) so much, and I want to be back with them, but I know I need to be better than I am before that happens. I was very overwhelmed having them here last week despite my desire to be around them. I had a hard time even imagining how I could return to being their full time mom. The thing is I can’t right now and that’s ok. I'm glad God has given me the insight and strength to continue working, pressing on, getting out of bed, going to treatment, and working as hard as I can.  I love seeing the little light of hope, but the daily struggles are still very real. I didn’t want to get up this morning as most mornings, but today was particularly hard. BUT I can see where I’m going, and that my friends is the most glorious thing I never thought I’d see.

THERE IS HOPE and I have some now. =)

Being tired...

The last couple of weeks have been rough for me. The week before Easter I was difficult and exhausting. The weekend plans went from going to a memorial service in St. Louis to just going home to me staying in MIL and the boys coming up to me just staying here in MIL and having a quiet weekend up here. The little boys were going to be up here the whole next week (this week).  This week is has been very difficult having the boys here because my programing has been challenging.  I’ve been having really bad flashbacks, and sometimes getting stuck in them.  One that I was stuck in for I think they said 3 hours.  That means I don’t remember what was going on my brain is trying to protect me even though logically I know I’m safe but I can't connect the two parts of my brain. I came out of the flashback so tired that I went to sleep. I haven’t gone to sleep that hard in such a long time that I guess I started having a nightmare. Anyways, the therapist woke me up and I was really confused and lost. Once I figured out where I was I went on the rest of the day as normal. That night I couldn't sleep, I was having nightmares and heart burn and couldn’t even lay down.  So with about 3 hours of sleep and not feeling the greatest I headed out for programming.  I felt the holy spirit urging me to pray and so I did.  I prayed ask God to keep me safe on the way to programming and through out the day.  Well, I got into a car accident on the way there, which you may think that means I wasn’t being protected; and yes I’d rather not be in accident at all; but I was.  I was on the interstate driving with the traffic somewhere around 70 to75 mph, when a guy decided that traffic was going too slow for his liking and started driving up the shoulder of the road, there is not enough room for someone to drive on the shoulder.  So naturally the car in the left lane swerved toward me, I went into the right lane some.  I heard a crunch and it took a second to register but I realized I’d hit someone but as soon as I did I pulled over to the side. Well the other person stopped on one side of the bridge that I stopped on. I pulled forward off the bridge on to the shoulder and just sat there.  I was in my new (to us) car and I was having a panic attack. I didn’t call anyone or do anything but sit. Shortly the fire department and ambulance showed up. A firefighter came to my window and asked if I was ok. I said I was and I was just having a panic attack, but my voice was very calm as if nothing was happening. He looked very confused and I don’t blame him, the speech and the physical observations didn’t match.  They asked if I had looked at my car. I said no, that I’d just been sitting in the car. He went around to check and came back. He said the lens on the tail light was cracked, just the outside covering one. I eventually found out that the other cars mirror was damaged. That’s it. The firefighter and the sheriff both told me that that was the least amount of damage that they have ever seen on an interstate crash. So was I being protected? Yes I believe I was and for being in an interstate crash I coudn’t ask for a better out come, really.  So, I'm ok I didn’t get a ticket and the tail light is like 60 to 80 dollars to replace. I made it to and through programming and had the best night of sleep I've had in a very long time.  The rest of the  week has been ok but I had no idea how difficult it would be to come home after programming and engage with the kids. I now realize just how much php takes out of me and how hard it is to do this and be a mom. I’m discouraged at my in ability engage and connect with the boys. I ask them if they want to do things with me one on one and they don’t.  Yes I realize that they are little boys trying to figure out who they are and that I've been gone for 9 months. Its been a long time, I don’t feel connected to them any more and I’m tired, this work is so difficult and I don’t just do the programming but I challenge myself, I push myself I don’t just do what I have to do to get by. I can see the progress in the work and how my attachment to my emotions is improving, but I still have a very long road. I can see the darkness in the world around me that I haven’t been able to see since my Sr. year of high school.  This makes my heart ache for those that I can see the darkness in.  I know God gives me the strength to do this because without it I wouldn’t have survived this. So, while I know He will help me to get through this I also believe I will be able to thrive through him. I'm really tired though.

Catch Up

So its been a while since i thought i had anything worth saying, not that i think i do now but i have the urge to write.

Last time I posted was back in October, things have changed but some have stayed the same.  I'm still in PHP at Rogers in the Milwaukee area and therefore away from my family except weekends. That's rough, but I know this is where i need to be right now.

Now to play catch up...

November I  still felt like I was progressing and i was having nightmares and flashbacks and i was a really difficult time but I was moving. December I got 'stuck' I couldn't process things any more.  My brain was tired and needed a break but I wouldn't stop, I wanted to push through. Meanwhile, my depression symptoms started becoming more intense really fast.  I told a friend that I didn't know if i was going to be in the hospital for Christmas. She  was the only person I said anything like that to, I told others I was struggling but to that extent.  I got a day off PHP for Christmas and I was at home for Christmas and had lots of company. I cooked a brisket (because I'm from Texas and there is never a bad time to eat beef) and some other stuff with the help of my MIL. Everyone came over and we ate and celebrated. I was physically there but I want really engaged in what was going on.  I tried but I couldn't do anything about how I felt.

The next week was another short week because of new years. Everyday we have check in sheets that ask how we are doing what things happened (dissociated flashbacks self harm panic attacks...) where we feel like our mood and anxiety are at and if we are having any suicidal thoughts.  On the 30th I circled yes and I was thinking IMO having thoughts that doesn't mean I'm going to act on them.  Well my treatment team saw things differently. They suggested that i voluntary go to inpatient at their hospital down the road. I didn't think I needed that yet and was very angry that I didn't really have a choice in the matter.  I know I wasn't doing well so eventually I went voluntarily but against my will.  My other choice was they would call the cops, I'd be taken out in handcuffs have a mandatory stay of three days then go before a judge.  I said ok before I even knew that's how Wisconsin does things of this sort, and I have no idea what comes after that.  That began my long inpatient stay.

After a few days to a week I was able to see why I was sent to the hospital.  I didn't think I was done spiraling down and I West but they thought it would be better for that to happen in the hospital and maybe that it would slow the fall. It didn't but since I was already in the hospital I didn't have to make any decisions about where I was at.  My treatment team saw what I couldn't see, they were able to see what my mood was like, how terrible I looked and how disengaged from life I was.

While in the hospital some crazy things happened with other patients but I was around and witnessed things. It was just weird.  As for me, I struggled and after a while of letting my brain, rest by reading and getting lost in books, the Dr. arranged for my therapists to come see me there. This wasn't a 3 to 5 day turn around, I was going to be three a while.  So, in the safety of the hospital I started doing the hard exposures that had gotten me stuck in the first place.  I don't think I would have been able to make it through that without the safety that the hospital brought.  In doing those though I think I managed to scared the whole staff and the weren't sure about these exposure things, they had no PTSD exposure training so I don't blame them. I had to be with a staff person when I did them because it was on a recording  device that has to be monitored at all times when it is on the unit.  So I'd listen to it, have a panic attack and throw up. That's what I've come custom to happening. They staff had no idea and freaked out when I threw up and felt like they didn't have the training necessary to do this on unit. I could feel it coming on and knew when I needed to be at a trash can or somewhere I could throw up.

After mt PTSD Dr., my therapist, and myself telling them that this is what I do and it's normal and ok.  After all if I were in programming I would be sitting in a room by myself with a trash can by my side. They eventually got it and we had figured out a system for it to work. I was in the hospital from 12/30 to 2/3. It was a long stay but I felt good going back to php.  I could see how being in the hospital was helpful and that I had made progress.  That feeling lasted about 2 days then I was back at the this sucks and is really difficult work. 

During this time I started not being able to remember stuff as easily as I'm accustom to and was getting really frustrated. I was also dissociating for short periods of time and didn't have any recollection of the event without a lot of questioning, digging, and really trying to figure it out.  I lost complete days where i couldn't remember what I had done 2 days before or a conversation I had the night before. It's still happening and I'm still really frustrated and still can't recall simple things. I still have a lot to process and my brain will take as long as it needs to heal.  So, I don't know when I'll be home and what being home will look like. 

One awesome thing is I can go to stores by myself and be ok, if (or really when) I have a panic attack I can walk around the store until it subsides. And if I am really stuck and can't get the panic to go away I have a phone that I can use to talk to people, and they know exactly what's going on and how to help.  I'm slowly getting better, fear is still my first reaction to things but it isn't as overwhelming and I can move through it much faster than before.

Today was hard.

    It stared off well but by the end of the day I'm worn out and ready to sleep and it's 4:30... We went for a walk this morning and learned a little bit of fun stuff about each other enjoy the beautiful weather. My assignment for the day was to write out one of my traumatic events, the easiest one (like any of them are easy). After that I had a break and got to color for a bit before lunch.
    Lunch all by itself was an exposure for me.  I had the option of sitting with a bunch of people I don't know or sitting in the most vulnerable spot in the dining hall. I chose that one, the one with the drink cooler and condiments behind it. The one where everyone was walking to and the door was behind me. I ate really fast, so fast I almost chokers and decided I should slow down  bit. I got my lunch, ate it, and returned to the group room within 15 minutes.
    Then we had to do group which was a great group, we had to think and could be vulnerable to ourselves and the group. I drew this.

    The inside is how we feel, the red is anxiety, the black  is depression and the fave shows it to be downcast with tears.  The blue in the middle is hope, with some room to grow. The outside is how the world sees me, so really it's what y'all have told me, those are the words I chose. In case you can't read them they are: strong, hurt, honest, vulnerable, fighter, and scared. So I was pretty vulnerable with myself and sharing it with the group. I let my wall fall a little. Next group we checked in with how we were doing and someone just started yelling at the facilitator and I felt like I was in the crossfire  and I couldn't move, I froze and tried to concentrate on putting the crayons in color coordinating order in the box. At one point I couldn't even do that. The rest of the day happened but I don't really know what happened, I was trying to stay engaged but I failed.  I waited till after the last group was over and told my therapist I was having a panic attack. She couldn't tell since I was holding it all in, I said I know. This panic aattack was much like one I had in residential that involved yelling too. It's the worst one I've had some then, it took me an hour and a half to get to a point where I felt safe driving home. I made it home and wrote this and I'm ready to face tomorrow. But, the whole way home I listened to 'It is well with my soul'.

    I also had this one helping me write my post so please ignore mess ups.

Thanks for praying friends.

Here's what's going on now.

       I've now entered my second phase of treatment, it's called partial hospitalization program or PHP. The one I'm specifically going to is aimed at those with PTSD. I've been here a couple weeks no w and in starting to get difficult. We do these things that are called exposures that we are suppose to cause anxiety at varying intervals. We get a list on activities and then rank them between 0 to 7, 7 being most. So we start off in the 2 to 3 range and work up from there. I'm just now starting to get to there difficult stuff and having to read my trauma script. (A narrative about all the bad stuff that's happened.) It's been very difficult for me but we meet with our therapist every day so that helps. I have no clue how long I'll be here and I'm thankful for great friends who are letting me live with them so I can do this work. I have a tendency to try to do too much at one time, she calls it flooding so I'm basically guaranteed to have anxiety. I'm not very nice to myself,  I  need to learn how to pace myself and be kind.
      Please continue to pray for me as it is still an awfully difficult process and I still have a long way to go. A good thing though is that I've been able to start crying again and I'll post pictures of the art I've made so far. The first set is a guy under a blue blanket representing total desperation, then the next one is called despair to hope since it's a fetal and prayer position. The next one is called acceptance.

The next group and my animals the turtle because I was finally coming out of my shell. The bears because it's a mommy bear providing for my two boys.

 

               I'm open to questions if you have any, I know this is different experience.

Thanks for caring friends

Checking in

How do you sum up 2 months into a reasonable blog post? The only way I can think of doing it is to just not do it. So there will be multiple posts. This one is going to be a general post with the nitty-gritty stuff to come later.
We had programing all day every day with some exceptions of Saturday and sunday. We had to be up in group with our goal for the day by 715 every morning and the night didn't end till 920 every evening. This made for really long days. There were smoke breaks built in throughout the day so I did get a 20 minute to 30 m ok mutes break every so often.
The lodge I was on was the last to eat every meal which at points made things complicated, like there not being dinner for us one Sunday night or when they would rum out of a particular food. Anyways the microwave was an essential part of eating any how me all the served.
The next important thing is there were 25 to 35 girls on lodge at any one time. It's like living in a dorm with 5 to 10 crisis going on at any single time. Exhausting... because those consist of panic attacks flashbacks dissociation nightmares and yes at one point or another I had all of those. That's going to have to be it for now, I'm still in the thick of everything. I'm not better yet, there is still tons of work to do and I'm just to tired to do this right now. Pray for me text me email whatever, I am feeling lost and alone.

Just Kidding

I received a call this morning from Timberline saying that they had room for me tomorrow. My plans have now changed again. I will be going back to Chicago area tomorrow and will be there for a month, hopefully for real this time.

Rules are the same as before calls and letters are permitted.
the address is:

Timberline Knolls
Casey Holland
40 Timberline Dr
Lemont, IL 60439

This I think is a better option for me and it starts more quickly which is another good thing. I really wish all of this wasn't so crazy, up in the air and more planned out but that's not the case so we know God is sovriegn and believe it. So, we will be continuing to move or not with faith that God will put me where I need to be when I need to be there.

I won't have access to email or my phone starting tomorrow afternoon. I do appreciate your prayers, thoughts, letters and love.

Bye for now family and friends.