It's Been a While...

In fact it's been about a year since I’ve written anything for this blog. Honestly part of it was a fear of not communicating well because it had to be perfect. So the need to be perfect paralyzed my ability to write. I would have thoughts about things to write about but couldn’t write more than two sentences.

Now for a quick recap.

I’ve been out of intensive treatment for PTSD since June 2016.

The boys were in traditional school last year and they are now home schooled again.

I’ve continued therapy, now twice a week and once a week with Aaron totally 3 times a week.

I’ve had my ups and downs but an overall trajectory of getting better.

Inky is now 15 months old and awesome at learning and doing her job.

I’m now going through a rough patch. It’s weird though because I’m not freaking out, I’m not either disconnecting from reality or expecting to crash and burn.  I don’t know this path, I don’t know what to expect but I accept and know that it is here and I will get through it.  But there are so many questions. How long will this go on? Do I need my meds changed? What does this mean for working on the trauma pieces? How bad will it get? So even though I have all of this knowledge and can recognize all these symptoms, it doesn’t change how it feels. I know how to use skills to deal with everything but it’s still not easy. There are nights I’m afraid to go to sleep because of the nightmares. There are nightmares, bad ones, like the ones I was having while I was in PHP, and they suck. They have been so vivid and/or realistic I have to ask if things actually happened or not. (The boys have almost gotten in trouble for not doing something I told them to do in my dreams.) I’ve had Inky sleep with me especially the nights following the horrible nightmares and she wakes me up, not continuously and she leaves me alone once I wake up and tell her to go back to sleep. So, I’m wondering if she can tell if I’m having nightmares. That is one of the things I would like her to do...

Inky, training her has been great and frustrating and tiring and worth every minute. It’s so fulfilling to see her training actually working and it really helps in the minute too. Most of the training has been simulation and not really helping me until this summer. Around 9 to 10 months old she started noticing when I would have panic attacks. She didn’t know what to do, but she knew something was wrong. Then came the easy part connecting that we’ve been simulating with this signal coming from me. Her skills of knowing when I’m having the start a panic attack have exceeded my own. I have tried to ignore her thinking I was fine and she was just done working and wanted to move. Well, she’s taught me that she knows more than I do, it’s awesome. She’s able to focus for longer lengths of time but still needs play time. She plays fetch endlessly. We have a hill in the backyard and she will go for, well we don’t know how long, we give up long before she’s ever ready to even if it’s been over an hour.  She’s nuts and she loves the water. She gets in the creek at every chance we give her and plays fetch even on our kayaking trips. Don’t leave out any unattended food or socks, they will disappear. We’re working on that....

Aaron has long both of his grandmothers this year. One in the summer and the other a couple days ago. It’s been hard on all of us but him especially. We’re still moving along and trusting that God is sovereign and that He is a good God. My church family and relatives are still standing with us, checking in on us, and loving us. I can’t ask for more than that.

My Godsent Army

     I've written on here about my struggles and what life has been dealing me but not really much else. I am trying to give an account of what it's like going through this recovery but I really haven't given credit where credit is due.  

     This isn't my first extremely difficult time in my life since kids.  The first time was around 5ish years ago soon after my Zeker's was born.  At that time Aaron and I knew we couldn't live/get through life without asking for help. So, God led us to 3 families, 2 of which we didn't know really at all. For us (me) it was unheard of to ask someone for help much less this level of help.  We were asking these people to HELP.  They were committing to time, effort, love, direction, and many more things that I can't name because I don't know what all they did for me.  They fought for me, they helped with childcare, they fought me which may of been the most difficult. They made really hard calls, like sending their friend to the hospital when it was needed.  

     None of us knew where to start, what to look for and how all of this aligned with a Christian faith.  I'm so thankful that I wasn't judged for needing help and they have stood by and still stand by me.  These three families were the main sources of support the first time around and they each had very different roles. One friend helped in a very practical way, she helped me with the boys every single week day, I wasn't at a point that I could give my boys what they needed so she filled that need.  The other two had similar roles, both sound theological and practical advice and really being in the ugly dark trenches of my head.  One was like a big sister and the other was able to have a perspective on the situation that well, I don't really know how that worked but it did and that's what was needed.  There is absolutely no way that I can thank them or repay them in a way that they deserve.  My church tried to be understanding but really didn't know what to do with a mental health crisis, it hadn't happened so publicly before.

     Now this time around we all have experience. To my surprise my friends jumped right back into the roles they had before. Asking if I should see the Dr. and set up counseling appointments.  (We hadn't stayed super close after I had gotten 'well', which was probably for the best.)  I couldn't believe that they would willingly put themselves back into this crazy difficult journey, I didn't even ask, they saw what was happening and stepped into the roles they I needed them to play.  If that isn't Christ like selfless love I don't know what is. 

     This time however the church body has been so understanding. They have been helpful in ways that I can't even imagine and mental illness is not taboo anymore.  There is a freedom to acknowledge the difficulties that I'm facing.  There is a freedom to talk openly with me, check in with me, and me writing this that keeps people aware of what life is like right now.  I am asked about how I'm doing, when I'm going to be home, how things are... It's felt so strange at first to be in a community that truly loves and cares about me. I have never had the 'do not be anxious about anything (Phil 4:6-7) verse shoved in my face by my anyone in my church, or any of my support system. I really am thankful for those who realize the difference between situation anxiety and an anxiety illness.  Some others have used words like these to try encourage me, I think, or at least I hope, in the past. However, what gets communicated is 'you don't have enough faith' or 'you have no reason to be'... or my favorite 'you're just doing this for attention'.

     Now I am home, I'm loved for who I am PTSD, agoraphobia and all.  I am so supported by friends and family.  I am challenged to keep getting better. I get checked in on, helped, and encouraged.  I have a group of people, a support system, that has helped, is helping and I'm confidant will continue to help.  They've proven themselves in so many ways: they stay, they show they care, they challenge, they pray, they push or pull.  They are together such a strong group of people and they completely counter so many of the lies that play in my head.  I am so blessed by God to be in a church who shows Christ's love through His people. Perfect no, trying yes, loving yes, real yes. 

     I am also very aware that most people don't have a support system like I do and I know how difficult it is.  So, I encourage you if you don't have anyone to talk to try to find one person who will listen, even if it's by text.  I'll listen, but I only have experience no training and I'll try to help you find someone who is more reliable than myself as I'm still going through the muck...  

    So, thank you to all the people who have supported me thus far and will support me and my family in the future. 

And most of all, My God is an Awesome God.

   

Breathe in and now let it out

 I've had to tell myself that many many times lately.... 

    It's been a while and life has been absolutely crazy stressful.  I was very anxious about the boys going to school and what that meant for me, giving up control.  I'm still wrestling with issues that  come up dealing with a system that is inflexible and therefore fighting for and supplement their education.

     Rewind two days, before school started on a normal Sunday afternoon Aaron received a call from my mom. My dad had collapsed and my mom needed a ride to the hospital. I found someone to take the boys then headed to the hospital not knowing any more information. I get to the hospital and I'm quickly shown to a family room. Then the social worker comes in and talks to me and I go in the trauma room. When I walked in they were doing CPR and manual ventilation. That was the first time I had ever seen CPR actually performed, it's quite an experience, very eye opening. But I looked at my dad's face and knew he was gone. From there the details are not mine alone, or mine to share with the world. The rest of the day was crazy ( it didn't slow down for like a week), and some how we are making it. Pray for my Mom.

    The next day was meet the teacher day. So, we went to meet the boys teachers and inform them that their Grandpa had died the day before. We felt that it was important for them to go to school because: 

         1 they had never been in a traditional school 

         2 they would miss all the beginning directions and 

         3 it started a routine that need to be established.

    I'm so thankful for the family that was able to come in and help. I'm still dealing with all my PTSD stuff and working on getting healthy so there wasn't any way Aaron and I could provide the help my mom needed, and she knew and acknowledged that.

     My family helped greatly and I told them to take care of those things and I'll take care of that side of things therefore limiting my involvement and setting a boundary. Wait did I just say boundary? Yes I did, I'm learning... slowly... And, when I was asked what would be helpful for us I was able to put a voice to what we needed (dinners, thanks Northbrook) for the first time... yup that happened too. I was also able to accept it without feeling guilty.  (who is this person?) Learning to know my limits and ask for help before I'm at a state of dissociation or being checked out is weird, a good weird. I can breathe and process emotions instead of just putting them behind a brick wall and not dealing with them. Though I've found that to be very difficult too as I'm new to this' being engaged emotionally' and 'feeling feelings' beyond surface level.

     My new therapist and I have had so much to talk about with current and past events. I believe diving into the deep end isn't the best strategy but it wasn't my call. Since I was able to give her my 'stuff' from the last year of treatment she could learn some of my history and see my progression. Then with the current events see how I handle the situations at the point I am right now. I think it is more telling of my abilities and weaknesses when it is a current event. So how am I doing? I don't know, family, friends, and therapy professionals see an improvement. I can acknowledge some but I'm leery of accepting their words as truth. I'm also hyper vigilant of any sign of depression symptoms getting worse, I don't want to go back to where I was and am therefore creating anxiety for myself by doing so. (yes I know it is counterproductive)

     So, yes I can see some progress. 

   I've been forced into more social situations with the boys           being in school and I think I've come out ok with them.

   I let my panic show once in a walmart, I usually hide it               (huge deal).

   I've set a limit and a boundary.

   I still struggle to go places, but I go often enough to keep           the agoraphobia in check including helping at a                       friends business a couple days a month (which by the             way really isn't easy for me to do.) 

   I have also done something that has a long term comment,       actually it's a family thing but I have lead.

Meet Inky

  The night we picked her up

 She's the first long term future looking 'thing' I've dreamt about beyond planning what we are going to do the next 3 day weekend or vacation. 

These two are today 9/22. She's a black dog and my camera doesn't really show black on black w/o the flash (which requires the battery to be charged... =D )

    

     She's grown so much in the short time we've had her and she's crazy smart I can get her to do just about anything for a treat. I took her to the store today to get dog food and see how she would handle people, new smells, and other animals. It went better than expected. She was able to listen to me and sit and stay with distractions for a little while... at 12 weeks, I'll take it.

The Next Step in the Journey

         Transitioning back home has been quite a difficult experience. The major difficulties have been adjusting to being around kids, both mine and others, and finding the balance between self care, going out and staying home and being with people. Oh ya, then there's the whole finding a treatment team around here.

     Rogers helped me a bit, but the names they gave me either didn't take my insurance or it wasn't a good fit, then there is the inevitable waiting time before a therapist even had an opening in there schedule to see me.  Finding a therapist is difficult. In 60 to 90 minutes I'm trying to figure out if I can trust this person to let them into the deepest places in my world because this person can either really help me or hurt me. Through the interview/therapy session there are a bunch of questions and after processing both in my head and with Aaron sometimes conclusions aren't easy to make and take another visit.  

     My individual therapist was much more difficult to find than our marriage counselor. Our marriage therapist was the second we talked to and she was refereed to us by the first person we spoke to. The first person was humble enough to say that she thought a different therapist would be able to help us more than she could but she was willing to work with us if that's what we wanted.  This impressed me so much and I had already exhausted the choices Rogers had given me I went to her to she if she'd be a good fit. We've found that she's working out really well for us, at least thus far. It takes a little while to get to know each other and to be vulnerable.

     I have good days and I have I have horribly dreadful days and I really need the help now.  It takes time to built a relationship with anybody and this is no different, but things aren't just at the beginning stages of depression, I'm coming down from a high level of care and still need a fairly high level. Starting with a new therapist isn't ideal at this point but I really needed to start seeing someone in town.  I've ended up back at the therapist that referred me to the marriage therapist.  Her specialty is PTSD using EMDR.  She is learning about the exposure process from me.  My exposures at this point are social exposures and it helps that I sorta have an idea of what my limits are, like not going into a store or place with people is 3 days.  I'm still not being very vulnerable though, in one session I had several 'minor' panic attacks but didn't let her know that any of them were happening and after telling her at the end of session she told me that she had no clue they had happened.

     So for now, the nightmares, headaches, agoraphobia, and irrational fears have all increased . The disruption in the routine and all the changes have all my PTSD going off like crazy, especially the all or nothing thinking.  But then I have a good morning or even a good day so maybe I'll allow there to be some hope?  I still have a really long journey in front of me and it is still crazy hard but the glimpses of what I think normal is, like going into Sears and buying a chainsaw without freaking out, and without panic. I would have never thought that was possible without panic. Then there was going through the drive-thru lane at the pharmacy and having to speak to a new pharmacist and have a panic attack. 

However, there was yesterday the park. Splash pad, tire swing, friends and a warm day meant playing with the kids, getting wet and having fun, and just having fun.  I'll take it, and appreciate the day the best I know how and see what today brings.

Today I'm taking a (what seems like to me) a huge risk and bringing in my stuff from the past year of treatment.  It's the 'easiest' way to communicate a ton of information for her to hopefully get a jump start of learning me. It's scary to be vulnerable like this but in some ways easier because I don't have to actually say the words. I hope it goes well.

IOP & Transitioning Home

Back in May I started Intensive Outpatient (IOP) which means instead of being at programming for 6 hours a day I was there for three. At first I was understanding as I wasn't really getting much from one of the groups anyways, I’d been there a long time and had learned what I could from that group.  IOP started at a full week and then dropped about one day at a time every two weeks with the last 4 weeks being there only 2 day of the week. The transition was (and still is) very difficult for me. I hadn’t really been around my kids much at all for extended periods of time for about a year now and honestly wasn’t doing well before that either.  The boys are boys, they run they jump, they’re loud, and they’re not doing anything wrong, I just wasn’t able to handle it, it was too much stimulation for me at one time.  I’m slowly getting better at that but the most I can seem to handle is about half a day one on two with them.  This is greatly improved since the beginning of the transition to home. In May I had a very difficult time even being in the house with them at all, Aaron was home and that did help but I was a mess. I felt exhausted, overwhelmed and like I was never going to make it, no matter what I did I was going to fail. I can say now that is a very desperate hopeless place to live.  That’s where I was for a while as I didn’t see my adjustments to being home even remotely successful.  I didn’t write during that time because I was hurting so much and didn’t believe I could really be ok.

This is my first attempt at figuring out how to life without trauma being the defining factor. I have not a clue of what I’m doing. FIguring out who you are generally happens in childhood as you figure out how the world and relationships work.  I have always seemed to just not quite get it or I was being a people pleaser hoping to find kindness in return only to find out that I was really just being used for what I could do.  So now I’m trying to figure out what it means to say no to something that I really don’t want, I’ve found that I am extremely bad at it.  I usually end up freezing and just panicking internally and saying nothing or saying yes when I really don’t mean it.

Now I’m trying to figure out who I am, I know I have the roles of mother and wife, but those are just roles they don’t define me as a person.  Neither does being a homeschool/stay at home mom.  That’s what I’ve done, for 8 years, that’s where I found my identity. That isn't really a healthy way to live as I’ve found out.  Aaron and I have discussed and decided for at least this next year the boys will be joining the public school. It takes a lot of pressure off of me so that I can focus on healing, taking care of myself and finding my voice.  The decision was very difficult for me to accept; it took weeks of me being in denial and trying to figure out a way that I could still be able to do.  In the end after a long grieving process I knew that‘s what needed to happen, it was the best for me and the boys education.   But now what does that mean, I homeschool my boys, if I’m not doing that what will I do? Getting a job would get me out of the house but the whole reason I’m not teaching is to take stress off of me and give me flexibility as needed.  Anyways, this is a work in progress much like learning to be with my boys.

I’m really stressed out and have been for a long time. This has manifested itself in many ways.  I’ve felt sick, had crazy heartburn, no appetite, no desire to get up, had unexplained panic attacks, constant nightmares, headaches, and the one that bothered me the most is that I can’t remember things.  These symptoms were (are) really difficult to deal with because they are all happening simultaneously.  I’m so exhausted, my body is fatigued and tells me so, my eyes will move left to right very quickly for like 10 seconds occasionally, I have a hard time focusing my eyes on things close or far like never before, it’s really annoying but not constant.   

I have so much more I will say about my transition to home so that the next post. Thanks for reading and caring.

10 years and a tough week

 I’ve been thinking about how to tell the story of my last week and I keep coming up with dead ends.  I think though I need to try to write it out and work through it and figure it out.

    I'm in the middle of an ‘identity crisis’.  I’mm trying to figure out who I am outside of the trauma that has thus far defined much of my life.  These are murky muddy waters to wade though and I have no idea what it will look like on the other side, like really no clue.  Thus far I’ve let myself be defined by what I do because I don’t know who I am. However, now I’m lookig at those things changing and my role and what I do be very different than before.  Early last week it was brought to my attention, at a time i could at least kinda hear it, that I’m still working on getting well. I have a long way to go, they don’t keep you in PHP for months if you’re doing well.  I have a hard time seeing that I’m really not doing well when I”m at home and I have responcibilities beyond myself. And eventough those responcibilities are very limited I still get easily overwhelmed.  It’s hard for me to see the progress so I ask others what they’ve seen, what they’ve noticed and differences, if any, they have observed.  

    So, last week I was a mess, I am trying to fiure out who I am, what my purpose is and what I do with all of that. First I fought thinking I could take on all the roles that I had done previously with out a problem, well, logic kicked in and helped me see that that wasn’t/isn’t possible at ths time. That means that it will probably be best for the kids and myself to not homeschool this next year. It’s hard, this is what I’ve done for years, be with my boys all day everyday.  So now what? After thinknig about it for a while, I am able to see that it isn’t about me and how I’m a failure but how I can continue to work on healing and learning without the stress of homeschooling.  This decision isn’t final but we are leaning that way heavely.  That leaves me with well, what would I do all day? My mind has run through a hundred different ideas and I convince myself that I’m not good enough to do any of them, I don’t have the experiance or education or... All that leads to increasing my depression symptoms, and I know not doing anything would exsaperate that too.

    Then, I had nightmares, nightmares that were so real that in them i was teling myself what to do to ground myself. It was quite strange, but I couldn’t wake up. I knew it wasn’t really happening but man did it feel like it.  This happened two nights in a row and after the second night I woke up and said this is too real I need to ask about it. So, I did, and I was met with the responce of why is that a nightmare?  I fell apart, I then shut down then asked alot of questions, none of that really helped me, it was just information.  Then I cried, i cried like I havn’t cried for as long as I could remember, and mad it about me. The immediate self blame kicked into high gear and all the negitive thoughts about myself were flyin through my head at an astonishing speed.  These are all thoughts related to my identity, who I am, what’s my purpose. I went down the path of ‘i’m not good enough nor will I ever be’, I’m broken and can’t be fixed, all I’ll ever be is someone to be taken advantage of then left alone in a pile of junk.  I went through so many feelings, sadness, loss, grief, anger, fear and digust over an over again cycling through them and getting stuck in one for a while.  It hurt, I hurt and there was nothing I could do about it at that time.

    Finally, when there was time to work through this problem I went from extremly sad to fearful.  Now, it is my turn to screw up.  All my fears and inscurities were yelling so loud that I felt that I had no option or strength to fight. I disconnected, I was a slave to those fears and let them take over and now I feel so much shame.  I’ve sat alone in it and felt very anxious even at the thought of speaking the truth.

    All of that was put on hold, sorta, when I heared from many firends at church on Sunday. Despite having a really bad panic attack several people came up and talked with me, my thought, ’yay I”m not invisible” and ‘wow, these people actually care’.  That is quite opposite of how I was feeling the day before.  So, Mother’s day was good, I was able to enjoy being with friends and family. I wasn’t however able to make it home for my anniversary Friday.  Aaron and I have now been married for 10 years. 10 really difficult and trying years.  Don’t get me wrong there’s good stuff too, but there’s been alot of difficulty. My trauma, depression and fear, his not knowing how to help and feeling like he’s been sidelined while I try to work though all this.  One of the more recent realizations has been it’s not just my stuff, it’s our stuff, we are a team, we are in this together, for better or worse. It is a testament to God’s grace that we are were we are.  I didn’t really realize it untill friends of mine and friends of Aarons comment on how they can’t believe that we are still married. And these are people that believe strongly in the sanctity of marriage.  So to us Aaron, to our tenacity, our commitment and love. Thank you for never giving up on me when I’ve gone to the darkest places possible here on Earth.  

Hopefully I’ll soon be able to grasp who I am and what my purpose is outside the roles I play.   

The transition to IOP

        Wednesday marked 1 week of being in IOP (intensive out patient). That means I’m in programming for 3 hours instead of 6, I chose to do afternoons.  At first I was scared what did this mean, does this mean, am almost done?  What I learned is that it means fewer groups and more individual work.  Ok, this makes sense, I’ve gotten what I really can get from those groups and now I will focus more on the work I need to do by myself. However, change is scary even if it’s good change.

    Now, I get to sleep in but I don’t usually, and find things that I can do as exposures every morning. One of my things is being in crowds and noisy places; in the morning that’s not many places. Stores are almost empty, because most people are at work. Then Jimmy John’s provided a great opportunity to get in a very trying exposure. Standing in line with people very close to me for a long period of time who were very much in my personal space made me feel very uncomfortable. Then, lets add the construction that was going on on the closest street, meaning lots of noise.  It was overwhelming, I was very uncomfortable standing in line (I can still feel the chills run down my body as I write about it) and then thinking about going into a very packed restaurant. Jimmy John’s had t very well organized and made the long line move quickly and for some reason the seating area wasn’t packed at all, which was confusing because I wasn’t really seeing that many people come out of the place.  Anyways, I did it, I accomplished, for me, a very difficult thing to do.  I was panicky and ended up with a migraine last night but, I didn’t bail on the task.

    The treatment team now has me tricking my sleeping patterns, writing down what times I’m waking up every night and taking notes about conversations and things i need to remember.  I can’t remember so much of what has happened the night before or even what question I was supposed to be answering.  It is very frustrating for me as I usually can remember so much of what I do, say, and hear.  Change is difficult and I feel like I’m going backwards a bit but, I was assured that this was normal and it doens’t mean I’m spiralling down to a deep dark hole that I’ve found myself in before.  That’s what I’m scared of happening, I don’t want to go there again, it is a horrible place to be.  This time, however, I’m going to do my best to not slide all the way down but to take a bridge across the valley well before the bottom. Now, with help, I just need to figure out how to do that.  

    I’m still very much battling, I still face my demons day and night. It is still extremely difficult work.  But now I have a higher tolerance for anxiety and awareness of how I’m feeling. I’m learning how to identify my boundaries both of my physical boundaries and where I will let other people into.  Doing the exercises are really weird but I think they are starting to make a difference. I still have a long way to go, as this will be a fight for the rest of my life but, hopefully not to this intensity ever again. I’m trying my best, dong what i can to challenge myself even when I don’t want to get out of bed, praying and knowing that it will make a difference.

    The best thing about dropping to IOP is that I can stay home through Sunday night.  I get to have half a day more with my friends and family, my support system.  It may not seem like much but I’ve been physically gone since July and not really there emotionally since December or January.  It’s been a long time. So, having all of Sunday home is a huge difference. Today might be a very difficult day but also possibly very rewarding.  As the seals put it, “the only easy day was yesterday”. The battle continues, and I have no idea what is coming next, however, I know my God will give me what I need when I need it.  

The agoraphobia is still a very difficult thing I’m battling with as I can’t go very long without going somewhere or the anxiety I feel just getting to the parking lot feels crippling.  That’s one of the reasons the Jimmy John’s thing means so much. Thanks for reading and following my story as it develops. I hope you can see the battles that are raging and the source of my hope and strength. And maybe lets you know there is someone out there struggling day by day, breath by breath to keep going, and you can too.  

A friend completed suicide this last week and it is heart wrenching, I don’t ever really know how I feel other than scared and sad.  We had similar reasons to keep going when things were at their worst and it scares me becks I think “what if those things ever got to the point that they would’n’t stop me?”.  But, I am not her, and I have asked for help, and I encourage you to ask for it if you need it yourself, or watch out for the darkness in the people with whom you interact with.  You may be the only person that even says hi, or I can listen.

Here is the song I’ve been listening to a lot lately as I think it describers where I’m at and is really helpful connecting with how I’m feeling. “The Middle” by Jimmy Eat World. As well as Rhapsody in Blue by Gershwin and some other marches and symphonic pieces.

The MIddle

Flip Flops

     So, with help, I'm seeing things with a new hope. For the longest time I was not connecting with my kids at all. I was playing the part of parent and doing what I’m ‘supposed’ to do but that's it.  This last week my mom and the boys spent the week up here since it was my nephew's spring break. It was a tough week for me (if you don’t know what I’m talking about read the last post). But one bad, situation showed me something that I havn’t seen in a long time, the boys need for me and that I can connect to them.  There was a miscommunication and the boys ended up paying for it. I took them out of the situation and held them and let them cry on me and it gave me a chance to be mom and to love on them.  I don’t like that this situation had to happen for me to have that chance but that’s what the three of us needed. We are stronger for facing conflict together. They KNOW mommy is going to protect them and take time to listen to their words as they try to figure out what happened and how they are feeling.  The toughest situations bring us together and make our bonds tight. I really havn’t had that since I’ve been gone so long but now those bonds are tight again. I love my boys, and my boys love me. I am the best mom for them. I keep working through my trauma for me and my family.  It’s not easy and by no means fun, but if it were, everyone would do it. This is hard stuff, imagine trying to dig up a boulder with a plastic spoon hard.

     This has given me new energy to keep fighting, to face my demons day in and day out, even tough they leave me so tired, and they're never quite, they're there at night too(ahh night mares). So my battle is sleep and memory. I don’t know what it would look like to have a full nights sleep would do for me but I know it’d sure be nice to find out. As for memory, I can’t remember much of anything, or at least that’s what it feels like. I can’t remember conversations or details about anything and that is really frustrating for me but I know it’s a temporary thing that I have to deal with.  My body is super stressed and it’s showing up in many ways, that’s two of them.  

     I feel like I’m making progress after being stuck for a very long time, thank God.  Progress seems to come in spurts and I feel like I’m in one now.  I’m ‘excited?’ to work on this really crappy stuff because there’s movement.  I’d still do the work even when I didn’t feel like it but man to feel the love, see the movement, feel the hope makes doing this really hard exposure work worth it.

     I love my boys (all 3 of them) so much, and I want to be back with them, but I know I need to be better than I am before that happens. I was very overwhelmed having them here last week despite my desire to be around them. I had a hard time even imagining how I could return to being their full time mom. The thing is I can’t right now and that’s ok. I'm glad God has given me the insight and strength to continue working, pressing on, getting out of bed, going to treatment, and working as hard as I can.  I love seeing the little light of hope, but the daily struggles are still very real. I didn’t want to get up this morning as most mornings, but today was particularly hard. BUT I can see where I’m going, and that my friends is the most glorious thing I never thought I’d see.

THERE IS HOPE and I have some now. =)

Being tired...

The last couple of weeks have been rough for me. The week before Easter I was difficult and exhausting. The weekend plans went from going to a memorial service in St. Louis to just going home to me staying in MIL and the boys coming up to me just staying here in MIL and having a quiet weekend up here. The little boys were going to be up here the whole next week (this week).  This week is has been very difficult having the boys here because my programing has been challenging.  I’ve been having really bad flashbacks, and sometimes getting stuck in them.  One that I was stuck in for I think they said 3 hours.  That means I don’t remember what was going on my brain is trying to protect me even though logically I know I’m safe but I can't connect the two parts of my brain. I came out of the flashback so tired that I went to sleep. I haven’t gone to sleep that hard in such a long time that I guess I started having a nightmare. Anyways, the therapist woke me up and I was really confused and lost. Once I figured out where I was I went on the rest of the day as normal. That night I couldn't sleep, I was having nightmares and heart burn and couldn’t even lay down.  So with about 3 hours of sleep and not feeling the greatest I headed out for programming.  I felt the holy spirit urging me to pray and so I did.  I prayed ask God to keep me safe on the way to programming and through out the day.  Well, I got into a car accident on the way there, which you may think that means I wasn’t being protected; and yes I’d rather not be in accident at all; but I was.  I was on the interstate driving with the traffic somewhere around 70 to75 mph, when a guy decided that traffic was going too slow for his liking and started driving up the shoulder of the road, there is not enough room for someone to drive on the shoulder.  So naturally the car in the left lane swerved toward me, I went into the right lane some.  I heard a crunch and it took a second to register but I realized I’d hit someone but as soon as I did I pulled over to the side. Well the other person stopped on one side of the bridge that I stopped on. I pulled forward off the bridge on to the shoulder and just sat there.  I was in my new (to us) car and I was having a panic attack. I didn’t call anyone or do anything but sit. Shortly the fire department and ambulance showed up. A firefighter came to my window and asked if I was ok. I said I was and I was just having a panic attack, but my voice was very calm as if nothing was happening. He looked very confused and I don’t blame him, the speech and the physical observations didn’t match.  They asked if I had looked at my car. I said no, that I’d just been sitting in the car. He went around to check and came back. He said the lens on the tail light was cracked, just the outside covering one. I eventually found out that the other cars mirror was damaged. That’s it. The firefighter and the sheriff both told me that that was the least amount of damage that they have ever seen on an interstate crash. So was I being protected? Yes I believe I was and for being in an interstate crash I coudn’t ask for a better out come, really.  So, I'm ok I didn’t get a ticket and the tail light is like 60 to 80 dollars to replace. I made it to and through programming and had the best night of sleep I've had in a very long time.  The rest of the  week has been ok but I had no idea how difficult it would be to come home after programming and engage with the kids. I now realize just how much php takes out of me and how hard it is to do this and be a mom. I’m discouraged at my in ability engage and connect with the boys. I ask them if they want to do things with me one on one and they don’t.  Yes I realize that they are little boys trying to figure out who they are and that I've been gone for 9 months. Its been a long time, I don’t feel connected to them any more and I’m tired, this work is so difficult and I don’t just do the programming but I challenge myself, I push myself I don’t just do what I have to do to get by. I can see the progress in the work and how my attachment to my emotions is improving, but I still have a very long road. I can see the darkness in the world around me that I haven’t been able to see since my Sr. year of high school.  This makes my heart ache for those that I can see the darkness in.  I know God gives me the strength to do this because without it I wouldn’t have survived this. So, while I know He will help me to get through this I also believe I will be able to thrive through him. I'm really tired though.

Catch Up

So its been a while since i thought i had anything worth saying, not that i think i do now but i have the urge to write.

Last time I posted was back in October, things have changed but some have stayed the same.  I'm still in PHP at Rogers in the Milwaukee area and therefore away from my family except weekends. That's rough, but I know this is where i need to be right now.

Now to play catch up...

November I  still felt like I was progressing and i was having nightmares and flashbacks and i was a really difficult time but I was moving. December I got 'stuck' I couldn't process things any more.  My brain was tired and needed a break but I wouldn't stop, I wanted to push through. Meanwhile, my depression symptoms started becoming more intense really fast.  I told a friend that I didn't know if i was going to be in the hospital for Christmas. She  was the only person I said anything like that to, I told others I was struggling but to that extent.  I got a day off PHP for Christmas and I was at home for Christmas and had lots of company. I cooked a brisket (because I'm from Texas and there is never a bad time to eat beef) and some other stuff with the help of my MIL. Everyone came over and we ate and celebrated. I was physically there but I want really engaged in what was going on.  I tried but I couldn't do anything about how I felt.

The next week was another short week because of new years. Everyday we have check in sheets that ask how we are doing what things happened (dissociated flashbacks self harm panic attacks...) where we feel like our mood and anxiety are at and if we are having any suicidal thoughts.  On the 30th I circled yes and I was thinking IMO having thoughts that doesn't mean I'm going to act on them.  Well my treatment team saw things differently. They suggested that i voluntary go to inpatient at their hospital down the road. I didn't think I needed that yet and was very angry that I didn't really have a choice in the matter.  I know I wasn't doing well so eventually I went voluntarily but against my will.  My other choice was they would call the cops, I'd be taken out in handcuffs have a mandatory stay of three days then go before a judge.  I said ok before I even knew that's how Wisconsin does things of this sort, and I have no idea what comes after that.  That began my long inpatient stay.

After a few days to a week I was able to see why I was sent to the hospital.  I didn't think I was done spiraling down and I West but they thought it would be better for that to happen in the hospital and maybe that it would slow the fall. It didn't but since I was already in the hospital I didn't have to make any decisions about where I was at.  My treatment team saw what I couldn't see, they were able to see what my mood was like, how terrible I looked and how disengaged from life I was.

While in the hospital some crazy things happened with other patients but I was around and witnessed things. It was just weird.  As for me, I struggled and after a while of letting my brain, rest by reading and getting lost in books, the Dr. arranged for my therapists to come see me there. This wasn't a 3 to 5 day turn around, I was going to be three a while.  So, in the safety of the hospital I started doing the hard exposures that had gotten me stuck in the first place.  I don't think I would have been able to make it through that without the safety that the hospital brought.  In doing those though I think I managed to scared the whole staff and the weren't sure about these exposure things, they had no PTSD exposure training so I don't blame them. I had to be with a staff person when I did them because it was on a recording  device that has to be monitored at all times when it is on the unit.  So I'd listen to it, have a panic attack and throw up. That's what I've come custom to happening. They staff had no idea and freaked out when I threw up and felt like they didn't have the training necessary to do this on unit. I could feel it coming on and knew when I needed to be at a trash can or somewhere I could throw up.

After mt PTSD Dr., my therapist, and myself telling them that this is what I do and it's normal and ok.  After all if I were in programming I would be sitting in a room by myself with a trash can by my side. They eventually got it and we had figured out a system for it to work. I was in the hospital from 12/30 to 2/3. It was a long stay but I felt good going back to php.  I could see how being in the hospital was helpful and that I had made progress.  That feeling lasted about 2 days then I was back at the this sucks and is really difficult work. 

During this time I started not being able to remember stuff as easily as I'm accustom to and was getting really frustrated. I was also dissociating for short periods of time and didn't have any recollection of the event without a lot of questioning, digging, and really trying to figure it out.  I lost complete days where i couldn't remember what I had done 2 days before or a conversation I had the night before. It's still happening and I'm still really frustrated and still can't recall simple things. I still have a lot to process and my brain will take as long as it needs to heal.  So, I don't know when I'll be home and what being home will look like. 

One awesome thing is I can go to stores by myself and be ok, if (or really when) I have a panic attack I can walk around the store until it subsides. And if I am really stuck and can't get the panic to go away I have a phone that I can use to talk to people, and they know exactly what's going on and how to help.  I'm slowly getting better, fear is still my first reaction to things but it isn't as overwhelming and I can move through it much faster than before.

Today was hard.

    It stared off well but by the end of the day I'm worn out and ready to sleep and it's 4:30... We went for a walk this morning and learned a little bit of fun stuff about each other enjoy the beautiful weather. My assignment for the day was to write out one of my traumatic events, the easiest one (like any of them are easy). After that I had a break and got to color for a bit before lunch.
    Lunch all by itself was an exposure for me.  I had the option of sitting with a bunch of people I don't know or sitting in the most vulnerable spot in the dining hall. I chose that one, the one with the drink cooler and condiments behind it. The one where everyone was walking to and the door was behind me. I ate really fast, so fast I almost chokers and decided I should slow down  bit. I got my lunch, ate it, and returned to the group room within 15 minutes.
    Then we had to do group which was a great group, we had to think and could be vulnerable to ourselves and the group. I drew this.

    The inside is how we feel, the red is anxiety, the black  is depression and the fave shows it to be downcast with tears.  The blue in the middle is hope, with some room to grow. The outside is how the world sees me, so really it's what y'all have told me, those are the words I chose. In case you can't read them they are: strong, hurt, honest, vulnerable, fighter, and scared. So I was pretty vulnerable with myself and sharing it with the group. I let my wall fall a little. Next group we checked in with how we were doing and someone just started yelling at the facilitator and I felt like I was in the crossfire  and I couldn't move, I froze and tried to concentrate on putting the crayons in color coordinating order in the box. At one point I couldn't even do that. The rest of the day happened but I don't really know what happened, I was trying to stay engaged but I failed.  I waited till after the last group was over and told my therapist I was having a panic attack. She couldn't tell since I was holding it all in, I said I know. This panic aattack was much like one I had in residential that involved yelling too. It's the worst one I've had some then, it took me an hour and a half to get to a point where I felt safe driving home. I made it home and wrote this and I'm ready to face tomorrow. But, the whole way home I listened to 'It is well with my soul'.

    I also had this one helping me write my post so please ignore mess ups.

Thanks for praying friends.

Here's what's going on now.

       I've now entered my second phase of treatment, it's called partial hospitalization program or PHP. The one I'm specifically going to is aimed at those with PTSD. I've been here a couple weeks no w and in starting to get difficult. We do these things that are called exposures that we are suppose to cause anxiety at varying intervals. We get a list on activities and then rank them between 0 to 7, 7 being most. So we start off in the 2 to 3 range and work up from there. I'm just now starting to get to there difficult stuff and having to read my trauma script. (A narrative about all the bad stuff that's happened.) It's been very difficult for me but we meet with our therapist every day so that helps. I have no clue how long I'll be here and I'm thankful for great friends who are letting me live with them so I can do this work. I have a tendency to try to do too much at one time, she calls it flooding so I'm basically guaranteed to have anxiety. I'm not very nice to myself,  I  need to learn how to pace myself and be kind.
      Please continue to pray for me as it is still an awfully difficult process and I still have a long way to go. A good thing though is that I've been able to start crying again and I'll post pictures of the art I've made so far. The first set is a guy under a blue blanket representing total desperation, then the next one is called despair to hope since it's a fetal and prayer position. The next one is called acceptance.

The next group and my animals the turtle because I was finally coming out of my shell. The bears because it's a mommy bear providing for my two boys.

 

               I'm open to questions if you have any, I know this is different experience.

Thanks for caring friends

Checking in

How do you sum up 2 months into a reasonable blog post? The only way I can think of doing it is to just not do it. So there will be multiple posts. This one is going to be a general post with the nitty-gritty stuff to come later.
We had programing all day every day with some exceptions of Saturday and sunday. We had to be up in group with our goal for the day by 715 every morning and the night didn't end till 920 every evening. This made for really long days. There were smoke breaks built in throughout the day so I did get a 20 minute to 30 m ok mutes break every so often.
The lodge I was on was the last to eat every meal which at points made things complicated, like there not being dinner for us one Sunday night or when they would rum out of a particular food. Anyways the microwave was an essential part of eating any how me all the served.
The next important thing is there were 25 to 35 girls on lodge at any one time. It's like living in a dorm with 5 to 10 crisis going on at any single time. Exhausting... because those consist of panic attacks flashbacks dissociation nightmares and yes at one point or another I had all of those. That's going to have to be it for now, I'm still in the thick of everything. I'm not better yet, there is still tons of work to do and I'm just to tired to do this right now. Pray for me text me email whatever, I am feeling lost and alone.

Just Kidding

I received a call this morning from Timberline saying that they had room for me tomorrow. My plans have now changed again. I will be going back to Chicago area tomorrow and will be there for a month, hopefully for real this time.

Rules are the same as before calls and letters are permitted.
the address is:

Timberline Knolls
Casey Holland
40 Timberline Dr
Lemont, IL 60439

This I think is a better option for me and it starts more quickly which is another good thing. I really wish all of this wasn't so crazy, up in the air and more planned out but that's not the case so we know God is sovriegn and believe it. So, we will be continuing to move or not with faith that God will put me where I need to be when I need to be there.

I won't have access to email or my phone starting tomorrow afternoon. I do appreciate your prayers, thoughts, letters and love.

Bye for now family and friends.

What's Next

I wanted to let people know what's going on.  I didn't really know what to say until I had some answers. I have some now so, here we go:

I'm home from residential treatment. Insurance only covered me for a week there and at the end of that week I didn't meet their criteria for that level of care so I'm home. I thought that I would be going back to the same place at a lower level but it hasn't seemed to work out over the past couple weeks.
I talked to my psychiatrist about what to do and she though a partial hospitalization program would be the next best step. I already did the one here in town and didn't find it to be helpful at all so we were looking to see if there was a more specialized one at the University of Iowa. Well, after a week and a half they never called me or my dr's offices many calls to them so we have no idea what's going on there or if it would even be helpful.

My brother and sister in law have offered for me to stay at their house and do a partial program in Milwaukee. The hospital just does psychiatric care and they have lots of specialized programs so I wouldn't be lumped into groups that wouldn't necessarily benefit from. It's the best option we have and most cost effective on us. Insurance shouldn't be a problem with this and I have a place to stay for a couple months. The only down side right now is that there is a two to three week waiting period because it is full. I'm still not doing well and life is hard so that's a long time to not have the help (especially since I've already gone two weeks) I need but at the same time it's not forever. Another advantage to this program is I will be able to be with my boys on the weekends. It ends at 2:30 every day so I will be able to drive home and see them. I will also have my phone and access to email and such which will be nice.

I am disappointed that I'm not on the down hill part of recovery like i think i may have been if I was able to stay at residential but at least now there is some direction. The residential treatment left me worse off than when I had gone in, talking over my history and trauma opened wounds up but there wasn't time to work on them. I had so many panic attacks while I was there and I also didn't sleep well. It was REALLY hard being there. So, I've been coloring a lot to help keep me calm and not going very many places or talking to anyone because I don't know what to say. I wasn't supposed to be home and I'm not ok, it wasn't like I was going away for fun. So, I'm here and if you'd like to contact me or email me I will be able to respond now. Thank you to the friends that sent me letters and gifts to help me through this time, I appreciate it more than you could know.

Bye for now

I finally got word from the insurance company. I've been approved to go today. It's one of those mixed feeling things, on one hand they think that this is where I'm at in life and need the help, on the other hand, this IS where I'm at in life and I do need the help. Sometimes I'm ok with it others not and as it gets closer and closer to time to leave and saying good bye to my friends and family the more real it becomes and the more scared I get. And sad, a sad that I've never really felt before, it's a different level of sad and I don't have words to describe it. It physically hurts in addition to the normal sad feeling.
I'm headed out now.
The address is

Timberline Knolls

Casey Holland

Willow Lodge

40 Timberline Dr.
Lemont, IL 60439

thanks for praying friends.

Processing...

Sunday's phone interview was not fun. I had to talk about stuff I'd rather never talk about ever again and talk about how I am, where I'm at and how it looks and physical reactions. All in all not fun, exhausting and discouraging. At the end of the call the lady on the other end said it really sounds like you need to be here so we will work on getting you here as soon as possible.

After several days of processing what is happening and the likely hood that I will be going to Chicago I'm finally ok with it. I didn't want to go because it felt like I was being sent away and that I didn't really have a choice. I do have the choice and this is what we believe would help me the most, not that I want to go now, I'm just ok with it now.  Insurance has confirmed that I have coverage for this but I have to be pre-certified now.

In the mean time I've had friends let me talk and cry with them and listen to really uncomfortable conversations with with the admissions people at Timberline and most importantly they've prayed for me. From what I was told yesterday I was probably going to be going over today. Well that didn't happen. They are waiting for records to be sent, I had to sign releases so everyone can talk to everyone else and of course there was a hiccup in that process. So this morning at 8:30 I was called and told that I'd have an answer from insurance this morning or early afternoon. That didn't happen either. Once records are received then they can call in insurance company. So for the last two days I've been told that insurance will likely approve it so be ready to go, they have a space open for me now. So I'm packed, ready to go whenever I'm cleared. But two days later I'm still home.

I've learned that I won't have internet access but I can do snail mail and maybe calls. After some period of time I can have visitors during certain hours. I don't know any of the details of these things at this point.

Friends from near and far have been praying and giving me words of encouragement that really are encouraging. So as I wait I am choosing to trust that God is sovereign and He knew I needed this time to be ok with going and to receive prayer and these words of wisdom from my wise friends. I love them and I'm so very thankful they love me. One friend sent this to me:

"Psalm 62:8    
    Trust in him at all times, O people;
    God is a refuge for us. 
    pour out your heart before him; 

 I love that the psalmist here puts both crying out and trusting the same verse. I think sometime Christians can be tempted to think/suggest that if we are trusting then we won't be crying out, or if we are crying out then we must not be trusting. But here the psalmist expresses that we can do both -- both trust and cry out, because God is our refuge, both a refuge in that He comforts us (the way a father with a child should be a refuge) and in that He protects us."

This was helpful for me because I'm crying out, and I'm trying to trust.

Now, I'm trying to not be anxious but patiently wait.

The Next Step

I'm doing something I haven't yet done on this journey. I'm going to tell you what's going on as it's happening instead of waiting till after. So please be nice, be encouraging or don't say anything. This is beyond hard to do but if I'm going to be honest this is what I need to do and I don't know how else to tell my friends what's going to happen. So....

I was given a couple of options of where to go next. One is called partial hospitalization. It is intensive group therapy for 6 hours a day covering topics like coping skills, assertion, leisure, goal setting and group therapy in which the topic changes to address what the group needs. It's long and exhausting and not too helpful for me.  For others it seems to help a lot, but for me there are a few things that get in the way. First, I don't like talking much when I'm well so when I'm sick I don't talk pretty much at all. Here, online, I can hide behind the screen and I can rewrite and reword things until they say what I really intend to say. So, to put me in a room where I have to talk about me and my struggles with people I don't know in a new place when I'm really not doing well doesn't really work. I do have to admit it is getting slightly easier to speak several days into it. That being said I answer direct questions and not much else. I only say things when I have something that I think is worth saying and I'm going to wait until there is silence. I have found that most people don't like silence and fill it quickly even if they don't really have anything to say.

The other thing that is to my disadvantage is that I've already taken classes on all these skills. I've learned them, I've practiced them, I use them. My startle reflex or 'danger meter' is way off. It doesn't seem to matter that I can tell myself that I'm in a safe place and that nothing is going to happen, I have a panic attack and end up throwing up half the time and gagging almost all the time.  This isn't just happening when I'm in crowded places like it used to, it's happening all the time, everywhere I go. Every time I leave the house and go to a place that isn't on my very short safe place list, this happens. It used to happen when I was alone or only with the boys, now it doesn't matter if Aaron is with me. I used to be ok going places where I knew other friends would be, like the park, now I have to fight to get there and once I'm there I still can't engage people.So when you put all these things together it's not a pretty picture. My psychiatrist wanted me to try partial because in her words it'd be easier than going to Chicago or Kansas City. That way I wouldn't be away from my family and could still be home at night.

The bad news is it's not what I need. After telling my counselor what it was like and what things were covered she agreed with me that it really isn't what I need and probably won't help much. I really need trauma therapy. The hard thing about it is once a week with a counselor is going to be really difficult to get deep enough to help (remember I don't like talking) and take a very long time since I'd have to be back to 'ok' by the end of the session. Even though it would take a very long time, in my head it's safer. I already know my counselor, I trust her, and we've done some of this before. The problem is my world is getting really small and it's getting worse very quickly. I only have 3 safe places left to go, and one of those is only on certain days at certain times and a few friends houses that I will go to. Other than that I stay home. Because of this I have received another label. I think is is generalized anxiety disorder with agoraphobia. Basically what has happened is that I was having so many panic attacks and I hated them so much I started to avoid places that I'd have them. Generally easy to do until I started having panic attacks at places that I hadn't before. That's when my world started shrinking. We are trying to stop it before it gets to the point that I feel like I can't leave the house.

The other option is a residential treatment center. That means that Chicago or Kansas City option is now real and the option. They can do trauma therapy faster and with more intensity because they can keep me safe between sessions. They can also address all the other issues that I have going on at the same time.

So how do I feel about this? I'm scared, terrified actually. I'm going to a new place that I've never been to and have to trust new people. I will have to talk. I'm sad, sad because this is where I'm at right now, I can't pretend I'm not that bad, sad because I have to leave my family for a while.  Sad because I'm going to miss Tobin's birthday. We had a really fun camping trip planned, now I will be in Chicago. Afraid to hope, I don't know if it will work. The amount of work that I'm going to have to do is daunting and I know it's going to be really difficult but then again nothing about this is easy.

So now we've done all the preliminary stuff to make sure insurance is good to go and they've checked with my dr. so I have an intake interview on Sunday. I think at that point I will find out what day I go. Initially they told me that it takes about a week to get through the whole admissions process. If that's the case it'll be the 1st or 2nd but really I have no idea. I'll be gone for at least 30 days, but they told me the average is more like 45 to 60 days. That's pretty much what I know right now. There is more information on their website that you can read if you'd like.
The website is timberlineknolls.com

I don't know why I'm going through this, I don't know what God is doing. Tonight though I learned a little about that though. I learned that me being open and honest has helped others be open up and be honest about hurting. So I know God is working though I don't understand it. I know God loves me. I know I am justified and adopted into His family. I know my God is bigger than this. I know He knows what i'm going through more than I have words to try to explain. My prayer is that I will believe Psalm 27 to its fullest, if you'd pray it over me I would appreciate it. I have the full understanding of what it feels like it be in Psalm 22. My pastor told me tonight that He gives beauty instead of ashes (Isa 61:3), I'm still working on believing that one...

Songs not Words

I've been quiet lately. That doesn't mean nothing has been going on actually far from it. Medicines have changed I don't even know how many times and life has been dark and hard. The meds I'm on now help with the racing thoughts, but they slow them down so much that it is really hard to write. I've sat down with intentions of writing several times to come up with only a few words to say. So, since that is the case I decided to use songs to try to communicate what I'm feeling and where I'm at.

So, here goes...
Creed- Third Day

This is the apostles creed. I remember hearing this song for the first time and already knowing most of the words it was surreal. Anyways, this is the basics, and when I don't want anything to do with God, don't believe he is good this reminds me. 'I believe in a life that never ends.'

Worn- Tenth Ave North

I get this song, I get what it's saying. I'm tired of fighting, breathing some days takes so much effort that's about all that happens, yet i want to hope, i want to know all this pain will end someday. I have lost the will to fight, to do anything, to move.


Now for a change of pace:
In The End- Linkin Park

I've tried hard, I've tried to hold on hiding what's really going on inside of me when I'm out. but in reality In the end it doesn't matter, I've fallen so far, it's all in pieces and it feels like all the effort I've made doesn't matter, it doesn't make a difference I'll fail anyways why try.



Numb- Linkin Park

I've tried, I can't do it. every step, everything I try to do ends up being a mistake, making things worse than they were before. I feel like the girl in this video, I'm different and the world continues to move regardless of what I do. The girl has emotion at the end, not me, not when I am at the point of getting this song, I feel numb and have been told my eyes look dead.

Crawling -Linkin Park

These wounds will not heal... but I get these lyrics too, like all of them, unfortunately...  These are my angry songs and that's what they sound like too so it fits...

ok one more from Linkin Park... I guess I really get their songs...
Papercut- Linkin Park

The thoughts in my head overwhelm me, even right now thoughts aren't racing but they are intense and hard to move past. and i'm always watching my back, everywhere all the time. I have an exaggerated startle reflex and it's not fun since it sends me into panic attacks sometimes.


But then I have family, friends and a church that does this.
Pray you through- Sixteen Cities

I'm out of words, everything has fallen in, I'm crushed. but they let me cry, not say anything, and tell the ugly truth and respond with truth.

So maybe... this is where
Healing Begins- Tenth Ave North

This song meant a lot to me the last time I was having a hard time. Now I listen to it but I can't see any healing or progress being made so, I like it but...

I guess that's enough for now, I could continue on but this is already a really long post if you listen to the songs.. (or even just read the lyrics).

This week I'm going to try something I've never done before to try to get at least a little better, out of this hole i'm in. My psychiatrist prescribed it but it's not medicine.  I'll eventually say more about it once I know more and have tried it. My friends have also been doing research for me (because I'm not doing anything looking or trying) presenting me with a few more options of different things to try that I've never done before but study's show promise.