Being Really Real.

      Things aren't so dark. That doesn't mean that I'm better, it just means that it's not as bad as it was there for a while. It was pretty bad, and since I'm not there at the moment I will let you know a little bit of what dark means. Dark means feelings of hopelessness, no desire to live, no reason to carry on. December, January and much of February was spent exhausted. The thoughts that went through my head where that of dying, wanting to die or telling myself I'd be better off dead. It's a bad place to be, because it steals everything, your energy, your thoughts, your life. Many days it was an accomplishment to get out of bed. The only thing that I did consistently was school with the boys, and many days it was done from my bed.
     There are commonalities to the thoughts, there is always a little truth mixed with lies, that's what makes them convincing, that's why they're believable. If it was a flat out lie that would be so much easier to fight. Here are a few of the lies but a word of warning they may be hard to read.  {it was my fault, i'm to blame, i did something wrong, i asked for it, I’m worthless, I’m not worthy of love, I’m nothing, I don’t have a right to live, i deserve to be alone, I am alone, i will be abandoned, I should be rejected, I am dirty, I will never be clean, I will be mocked if found out, I am a failure, if I make an effort I'm just asking to be hurt again, I don’t belong, I can’t be loved by god, he can't stand the evilness i represent, I can't be loved by people, they just feel sorry for a time then move on, I can’t let people know me once they do they will run, I should be the object of ridicule.} Those are real words i wrote in December literally copy and pasted, not even going to edit it. Sometimes things were worse than that but I think you get the idea.
I was also fighting for sleep. I wasn't sleeping well at all, if at all. I was tired. I was afraid to go to sleep because I was having nightmares every night. If I did eventually fall asleep it wasn't for long, as I'd wake up during a nightmare, which means I remember every single detail of the dream. It wasn't helpful for having any energy, much less having energy for fighting the wanting to die thoughts. The lack of sleep fueled the fears that I would face during the day and my exaggerated startle reflex. I was afraid of panic attacks, they make you feel powerless and leave you in a more vulnerable position than you were in the first place, I hate them and avoided them and anything that might set one off. At the worst I wouldn't leave my house unless I was going somewhere with someone or I knew someone I trusted was going to be there. This includes grocery shopping doctors appointments and everything else one has to leave the house for. My mom and friends helped so much. Even now, i don't go places unless I have too, I avoided going to the grocery store yesterday because it sounded too difficult for me to handle at that point. Instead I made a sauce from scratch with stuff I already had at home. See I'm still not better, I am learning to live with it.
I didn't want to acknowledge the fact that I was back in the place where suicide sounded like a good idea. I tried ignoring all the thoughts, thinking they'd go away. Instead they got stronger, bigger and more persistent. I admitted it was more than I could bear and went to the hospital. It was dark, so much so that it was hard to listen to Christian music. Did you know a lot of songs talk about heaven and to get to heaven you must die. Things were so twisted in my head. IT was late in the first week of March that i decided to fight those thoughts. It was pointless to fight anything else if I'm not fighting for living, at least that's what my logic was telling me. That paired with a medicine that knocks me out every night without nightmares things have improved.

These things are very scary to share, please be kind, as I've been very honest.

Medicines and love

Medicines are supposed to help, but unlike a bacterial infection where there are only a few options to fix the problem there are dozens of medicine that address depression and anxiety. Trust me I've seen the list, it's long and I've tried over 20 of them well over 20 of them. I don't know exactly how many but it's alot. Trying a new medicine isn't so easy, it's a minimum of a two week process unless you're in the hospital, but even in the hospital it takes time. The medicine has to build up in your system, this takes time, on average 2 weeks but up to 6. While this is happening you just have to plug along as best you can hoping the benifits will out weigh the side affects. Side affects that are acceptable range from drowsiness, to insomnia, or weight gain, dry mouth and constipation. Side affects that aren't are ones that make you pass out, really dizzy or mess with the hearts QST wave. Those are all things I've experienced, the drowsiness is helpful but every thing else isn't. The most resent was the messing with the QST progression, a potentially fatal side affect. As soon as it was found out I had to quit a medicine, one of two that I started at the same time in the hospital. So my dr decided to stop the one that had more bad side affects, makes sense.  As the week went by after stopping my heart calmed down but other symptoms weren't so good. No sleep, nightmares, depression all coming back with a vengeance, time for another medicine switch. Stop one start the other back up and try to get through the bad stuff, the bad thoughts and the darkness.
With all the effort and frustration that accompanies trying to find a helpful medicine I know it's just a tool. It's not where my hope is placed. God is sovereign in everything even medicines working or not. God is sovereign over the struggles, the chemicals in my brain and if they work right or not. God is sovereign over everything. He allows them into my life to grow me and others, but growing hurts. I don't like it, it's hard and I don't do well seeing anything good without it being pointed out to me. That's where friends help so much, all I can see is the problems I cause, and the huge messes I make.  I was telling a friend about this and her response was 'Those aren't huge messes. That's proof people love you.' She's right, people adjusting things and being willing to do things differently is proof they love me.  More people know and more people (especially in my church) show love to me and my family. That's what Jesus told us to do and that's how the world would know we are different. It's in John 13:34-35 ESV "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.  By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”
It's easy to love people when there's nothing going on, it's much harder when things are difficult and they drag on for months or years, but that's what Christ calls us to and it is in him that there is hope. I am redeemed not for anything I do but because He is love.