Just Kidding

I received a call this morning from Timberline saying that they had room for me tomorrow. My plans have now changed again. I will be going back to Chicago area tomorrow and will be there for a month, hopefully for real this time.

Rules are the same as before calls and letters are permitted.
the address is:

Timberline Knolls
Casey Holland
40 Timberline Dr
Lemont, IL 60439

This I think is a better option for me and it starts more quickly which is another good thing. I really wish all of this wasn't so crazy, up in the air and more planned out but that's not the case so we know God is sovriegn and believe it. So, we will be continuing to move or not with faith that God will put me where I need to be when I need to be there.

I won't have access to email or my phone starting tomorrow afternoon. I do appreciate your prayers, thoughts, letters and love.

Bye for now family and friends.

What's Next

I wanted to let people know what's going on.  I didn't really know what to say until I had some answers. I have some now so, here we go:

I'm home from residential treatment. Insurance only covered me for a week there and at the end of that week I didn't meet their criteria for that level of care so I'm home. I thought that I would be going back to the same place at a lower level but it hasn't seemed to work out over the past couple weeks.
I talked to my psychiatrist about what to do and she though a partial hospitalization program would be the next best step. I already did the one here in town and didn't find it to be helpful at all so we were looking to see if there was a more specialized one at the University of Iowa. Well, after a week and a half they never called me or my dr's offices many calls to them so we have no idea what's going on there or if it would even be helpful.

My brother and sister in law have offered for me to stay at their house and do a partial program in Milwaukee. The hospital just does psychiatric care and they have lots of specialized programs so I wouldn't be lumped into groups that wouldn't necessarily benefit from. It's the best option we have and most cost effective on us. Insurance shouldn't be a problem with this and I have a place to stay for a couple months. The only down side right now is that there is a two to three week waiting period because it is full. I'm still not doing well and life is hard so that's a long time to not have the help (especially since I've already gone two weeks) I need but at the same time it's not forever. Another advantage to this program is I will be able to be with my boys on the weekends. It ends at 2:30 every day so I will be able to drive home and see them. I will also have my phone and access to email and such which will be nice.

I am disappointed that I'm not on the down hill part of recovery like i think i may have been if I was able to stay at residential but at least now there is some direction. The residential treatment left me worse off than when I had gone in, talking over my history and trauma opened wounds up but there wasn't time to work on them. I had so many panic attacks while I was there and I also didn't sleep well. It was REALLY hard being there. So, I've been coloring a lot to help keep me calm and not going very many places or talking to anyone because I don't know what to say. I wasn't supposed to be home and I'm not ok, it wasn't like I was going away for fun. So, I'm here and if you'd like to contact me or email me I will be able to respond now. Thank you to the friends that sent me letters and gifts to help me through this time, I appreciate it more than you could know.

Bye for now

I finally got word from the insurance company. I've been approved to go today. It's one of those mixed feeling things, on one hand they think that this is where I'm at in life and need the help, on the other hand, this IS where I'm at in life and I do need the help. Sometimes I'm ok with it others not and as it gets closer and closer to time to leave and saying good bye to my friends and family the more real it becomes and the more scared I get. And sad, a sad that I've never really felt before, it's a different level of sad and I don't have words to describe it. It physically hurts in addition to the normal sad feeling.
I'm headed out now.
The address is

Timberline Knolls

Casey Holland

Willow Lodge

40 Timberline Dr.
Lemont, IL 60439

thanks for praying friends.

Processing...

Sunday's phone interview was not fun. I had to talk about stuff I'd rather never talk about ever again and talk about how I am, where I'm at and how it looks and physical reactions. All in all not fun, exhausting and discouraging. At the end of the call the lady on the other end said it really sounds like you need to be here so we will work on getting you here as soon as possible.

After several days of processing what is happening and the likely hood that I will be going to Chicago I'm finally ok with it. I didn't want to go because it felt like I was being sent away and that I didn't really have a choice. I do have the choice and this is what we believe would help me the most, not that I want to go now, I'm just ok with it now.  Insurance has confirmed that I have coverage for this but I have to be pre-certified now.

In the mean time I've had friends let me talk and cry with them and listen to really uncomfortable conversations with with the admissions people at Timberline and most importantly they've prayed for me. From what I was told yesterday I was probably going to be going over today. Well that didn't happen. They are waiting for records to be sent, I had to sign releases so everyone can talk to everyone else and of course there was a hiccup in that process. So this morning at 8:30 I was called and told that I'd have an answer from insurance this morning or early afternoon. That didn't happen either. Once records are received then they can call in insurance company. So for the last two days I've been told that insurance will likely approve it so be ready to go, they have a space open for me now. So I'm packed, ready to go whenever I'm cleared. But two days later I'm still home.

I've learned that I won't have internet access but I can do snail mail and maybe calls. After some period of time I can have visitors during certain hours. I don't know any of the details of these things at this point.

Friends from near and far have been praying and giving me words of encouragement that really are encouraging. So as I wait I am choosing to trust that God is sovereign and He knew I needed this time to be ok with going and to receive prayer and these words of wisdom from my wise friends. I love them and I'm so very thankful they love me. One friend sent this to me:

"Psalm 62:8    
    Trust in him at all times, O people;
    God is a refuge for us. 
    pour out your heart before him; 

 I love that the psalmist here puts both crying out and trusting the same verse. I think sometime Christians can be tempted to think/suggest that if we are trusting then we won't be crying out, or if we are crying out then we must not be trusting. But here the psalmist expresses that we can do both -- both trust and cry out, because God is our refuge, both a refuge in that He comforts us (the way a father with a child should be a refuge) and in that He protects us."

This was helpful for me because I'm crying out, and I'm trying to trust.

Now, I'm trying to not be anxious but patiently wait.