The Next Step

I'm doing something I haven't yet done on this journey. I'm going to tell you what's going on as it's happening instead of waiting till after. So please be nice, be encouraging or don't say anything. This is beyond hard to do but if I'm going to be honest this is what I need to do and I don't know how else to tell my friends what's going to happen. So....

I was given a couple of options of where to go next. One is called partial hospitalization. It is intensive group therapy for 6 hours a day covering topics like coping skills, assertion, leisure, goal setting and group therapy in which the topic changes to address what the group needs. It's long and exhausting and not too helpful for me.  For others it seems to help a lot, but for me there are a few things that get in the way. First, I don't like talking much when I'm well so when I'm sick I don't talk pretty much at all. Here, online, I can hide behind the screen and I can rewrite and reword things until they say what I really intend to say. So, to put me in a room where I have to talk about me and my struggles with people I don't know in a new place when I'm really not doing well doesn't really work. I do have to admit it is getting slightly easier to speak several days into it. That being said I answer direct questions and not much else. I only say things when I have something that I think is worth saying and I'm going to wait until there is silence. I have found that most people don't like silence and fill it quickly even if they don't really have anything to say.

The other thing that is to my disadvantage is that I've already taken classes on all these skills. I've learned them, I've practiced them, I use them. My startle reflex or 'danger meter' is way off. It doesn't seem to matter that I can tell myself that I'm in a safe place and that nothing is going to happen, I have a panic attack and end up throwing up half the time and gagging almost all the time.  This isn't just happening when I'm in crowded places like it used to, it's happening all the time, everywhere I go. Every time I leave the house and go to a place that isn't on my very short safe place list, this happens. It used to happen when I was alone or only with the boys, now it doesn't matter if Aaron is with me. I used to be ok going places where I knew other friends would be, like the park, now I have to fight to get there and once I'm there I still can't engage people.So when you put all these things together it's not a pretty picture. My psychiatrist wanted me to try partial because in her words it'd be easier than going to Chicago or Kansas City. That way I wouldn't be away from my family and could still be home at night.

The bad news is it's not what I need. After telling my counselor what it was like and what things were covered she agreed with me that it really isn't what I need and probably won't help much. I really need trauma therapy. The hard thing about it is once a week with a counselor is going to be really difficult to get deep enough to help (remember I don't like talking) and take a very long time since I'd have to be back to 'ok' by the end of the session. Even though it would take a very long time, in my head it's safer. I already know my counselor, I trust her, and we've done some of this before. The problem is my world is getting really small and it's getting worse very quickly. I only have 3 safe places left to go, and one of those is only on certain days at certain times and a few friends houses that I will go to. Other than that I stay home. Because of this I have received another label. I think is is generalized anxiety disorder with agoraphobia. Basically what has happened is that I was having so many panic attacks and I hated them so much I started to avoid places that I'd have them. Generally easy to do until I started having panic attacks at places that I hadn't before. That's when my world started shrinking. We are trying to stop it before it gets to the point that I feel like I can't leave the house.

The other option is a residential treatment center. That means that Chicago or Kansas City option is now real and the option. They can do trauma therapy faster and with more intensity because they can keep me safe between sessions. They can also address all the other issues that I have going on at the same time.

So how do I feel about this? I'm scared, terrified actually. I'm going to a new place that I've never been to and have to trust new people. I will have to talk. I'm sad, sad because this is where I'm at right now, I can't pretend I'm not that bad, sad because I have to leave my family for a while.  Sad because I'm going to miss Tobin's birthday. We had a really fun camping trip planned, now I will be in Chicago. Afraid to hope, I don't know if it will work. The amount of work that I'm going to have to do is daunting and I know it's going to be really difficult but then again nothing about this is easy.

So now we've done all the preliminary stuff to make sure insurance is good to go and they've checked with my dr. so I have an intake interview on Sunday. I think at that point I will find out what day I go. Initially they told me that it takes about a week to get through the whole admissions process. If that's the case it'll be the 1st or 2nd but really I have no idea. I'll be gone for at least 30 days, but they told me the average is more like 45 to 60 days. That's pretty much what I know right now. There is more information on their website that you can read if you'd like.
The website is timberlineknolls.com

I don't know why I'm going through this, I don't know what God is doing. Tonight though I learned a little about that though. I learned that me being open and honest has helped others be open up and be honest about hurting. So I know God is working though I don't understand it. I know God loves me. I know I am justified and adopted into His family. I know my God is bigger than this. I know He knows what i'm going through more than I have words to try to explain. My prayer is that I will believe Psalm 27 to its fullest, if you'd pray it over me I would appreciate it. I have the full understanding of what it feels like it be in Psalm 22. My pastor told me tonight that He gives beauty instead of ashes (Isa 61:3), I'm still working on believing that one...

Songs not Words

I've been quiet lately. That doesn't mean nothing has been going on actually far from it. Medicines have changed I don't even know how many times and life has been dark and hard. The meds I'm on now help with the racing thoughts, but they slow them down so much that it is really hard to write. I've sat down with intentions of writing several times to come up with only a few words to say. So, since that is the case I decided to use songs to try to communicate what I'm feeling and where I'm at.

So, here goes...
Creed- Third Day

This is the apostles creed. I remember hearing this song for the first time and already knowing most of the words it was surreal. Anyways, this is the basics, and when I don't want anything to do with God, don't believe he is good this reminds me. 'I believe in a life that never ends.'

Worn- Tenth Ave North

I get this song, I get what it's saying. I'm tired of fighting, breathing some days takes so much effort that's about all that happens, yet i want to hope, i want to know all this pain will end someday. I have lost the will to fight, to do anything, to move.


Now for a change of pace:
In The End- Linkin Park

I've tried hard, I've tried to hold on hiding what's really going on inside of me when I'm out. but in reality In the end it doesn't matter, I've fallen so far, it's all in pieces and it feels like all the effort I've made doesn't matter, it doesn't make a difference I'll fail anyways why try.



Numb- Linkin Park

I've tried, I can't do it. every step, everything I try to do ends up being a mistake, making things worse than they were before. I feel like the girl in this video, I'm different and the world continues to move regardless of what I do. The girl has emotion at the end, not me, not when I am at the point of getting this song, I feel numb and have been told my eyes look dead.

Crawling -Linkin Park

These wounds will not heal... but I get these lyrics too, like all of them, unfortunately...  These are my angry songs and that's what they sound like too so it fits...

ok one more from Linkin Park... I guess I really get their songs...
Papercut- Linkin Park

The thoughts in my head overwhelm me, even right now thoughts aren't racing but they are intense and hard to move past. and i'm always watching my back, everywhere all the time. I have an exaggerated startle reflex and it's not fun since it sends me into panic attacks sometimes.


But then I have family, friends and a church that does this.
Pray you through- Sixteen Cities

I'm out of words, everything has fallen in, I'm crushed. but they let me cry, not say anything, and tell the ugly truth and respond with truth.

So maybe... this is where
Healing Begins- Tenth Ave North

This song meant a lot to me the last time I was having a hard time. Now I listen to it but I can't see any healing or progress being made so, I like it but...

I guess that's enough for now, I could continue on but this is already a really long post if you listen to the songs.. (or even just read the lyrics).

This week I'm going to try something I've never done before to try to get at least a little better, out of this hole i'm in. My psychiatrist prescribed it but it's not medicine.  I'll eventually say more about it once I know more and have tried it. My friends have also been doing research for me (because I'm not doing anything looking or trying) presenting me with a few more options of different things to try that I've never done before but study's show promise.