Rogers helped me a bit, but the names they gave me either didn't
take my insurance or it wasn't a good fit, then there is the inevitable waiting
time before a therapist even had an opening in there schedule to see me.
Finding a therapist is difficult. In 60 to 90 minutes I'm trying to
figure out if I can trust this person to let them into the deepest places in my
world because this person can either really help me or hurt me. Through the
interview/therapy session there are a bunch of questions and after processing
both in my head and with Aaron sometimes conclusions aren't easy to make and
take another visit.
My individual therapist was much more difficult to find than our
marriage counselor. Our marriage therapist was the second we talked to and she
was refereed to us by the first person we spoke to. The first person was humble
enough to say that she thought a different therapist would be able to help us
more than she could but she was willing to work with us if that's what we
wanted. This impressed me so much and I had already exhausted the choices
Rogers had given me I went to her to she if she'd be a good fit. We've found
that she's working out really well for us, at least thus far. It takes a little
while to get to know each other and to be vulnerable.
I have good days and I have I have horribly dreadful days and I
really need the help now. It takes time to built a relationship with
anybody and this is no different, but things aren't just at the beginning
stages of depression, I'm coming down from a high level of care and still need
a fairly high level. Starting with a new therapist isn't ideal at this point
but I really needed to start seeing someone in town. I've ended up back
at the therapist that referred me to the marriage therapist. Her
specialty is PTSD using EMDR. She is learning about the exposure process from
me. My exposures at this point are social exposures and it helps that I
sorta have an idea of what my limits are, like not going into a store or place
with people is 3 days. I'm still not being very vulnerable though, in one
session I had several 'minor' panic attacks but didn't let her know that any of
them were happening and after telling her at the end of session she told me
that she had no clue they had happened.
So for now, the nightmares, headaches, agoraphobia, and irrational
fears have all increased . The disruption in the routine and all the changes
have all my PTSD going off like crazy, especially the all or nothing thinking.
But then I have a good morning or even a good day so maybe I'll allow
there to be some hope? I still have a really long journey in front of me
and it is still crazy hard but the glimpses of what I think normal is, like
going into Sears and buying a chainsaw without freaking out, and without panic.
I would have never thought that was possible without panic. Then there was
going through the drive-thru lane at the pharmacy and having to speak to a new
pharmacist and have a panic attack.
However,
there was yesterday the park. Splash pad, tire swing, friends and a warm day
meant playing with the kids, getting wet and having fun, and just having fun.
I'll take it, and appreciate the day the best I know how and see what
today brings.
Today
I'm taking a (what seems like to me) a huge risk and bringing in my stuff from
the past year of treatment. It's the 'easiest' way to communicate a ton
of information for her to hopefully get a jump start of learning me. It's scary
to be vulnerable like this but in some ways easier because I don't have to
actually say the words. I hope it goes well.
