It's Been a While...

In fact it's been about a year since I’ve written anything for this blog. Honestly part of it was a fear of not communicating well because it had to be perfect. So the need to be perfect paralyzed my ability to write. I would have thoughts about things to write about but couldn’t write more than two sentences.

Now for a quick recap.

I’ve been out of intensive treatment for PTSD since June 2016.

The boys were in traditional school last year and they are now home schooled again.

I’ve continued therapy, now twice a week and once a week with Aaron totally 3 times a week.

I’ve had my ups and downs but an overall trajectory of getting better.

Inky is now 15 months old and awesome at learning and doing her job.

I’m now going through a rough patch. It’s weird though because I’m not freaking out, I’m not either disconnecting from reality or expecting to crash and burn.  I don’t know this path, I don’t know what to expect but I accept and know that it is here and I will get through it.  But there are so many questions. How long will this go on? Do I need my meds changed? What does this mean for working on the trauma pieces? How bad will it get? So even though I have all of this knowledge and can recognize all these symptoms, it doesn’t change how it feels. I know how to use skills to deal with everything but it’s still not easy. There are nights I’m afraid to go to sleep because of the nightmares. There are nightmares, bad ones, like the ones I was having while I was in PHP, and they suck. They have been so vivid and/or realistic I have to ask if things actually happened or not. (The boys have almost gotten in trouble for not doing something I told them to do in my dreams.) I’ve had Inky sleep with me especially the nights following the horrible nightmares and she wakes me up, not continuously and she leaves me alone once I wake up and tell her to go back to sleep. So, I’m wondering if she can tell if I’m having nightmares. That is one of the things I would like her to do...

Inky, training her has been great and frustrating and tiring and worth every minute. It’s so fulfilling to see her training actually working and it really helps in the minute too. Most of the training has been simulation and not really helping me until this summer. Around 9 to 10 months old she started noticing when I would have panic attacks. She didn’t know what to do, but she knew something was wrong. Then came the easy part connecting that we’ve been simulating with this signal coming from me. Her skills of knowing when I’m having the start a panic attack have exceeded my own. I have tried to ignore her thinking I was fine and she was just done working and wanted to move. Well, she’s taught me that she knows more than I do, it’s awesome. She’s able to focus for longer lengths of time but still needs play time. She plays fetch endlessly. We have a hill in the backyard and she will go for, well we don’t know how long, we give up long before she’s ever ready to even if it’s been over an hour.  She’s nuts and she loves the water. She gets in the creek at every chance we give her and plays fetch even on our kayaking trips. Don’t leave out any unattended food or socks, they will disappear. We’re working on that....

Aaron has long both of his grandmothers this year. One in the summer and the other a couple days ago. It’s been hard on all of us but him especially. We’re still moving along and trusting that God is sovereign and that He is a good God. My church family and relatives are still standing with us, checking in on us, and loving us. I can’t ask for more than that.

My Godsent Army

     I've written on here about my struggles and what life has been dealing me but not really much else. I am trying to give an account of what it's like going through this recovery but I really haven't given credit where credit is due.  

     This isn't my first extremely difficult time in my life since kids.  The first time was around 5ish years ago soon after my Zeker's was born.  At that time Aaron and I knew we couldn't live/get through life without asking for help. So, God led us to 3 families, 2 of which we didn't know really at all. For us (me) it was unheard of to ask someone for help much less this level of help.  We were asking these people to HELP.  They were committing to time, effort, love, direction, and many more things that I can't name because I don't know what all they did for me.  They fought for me, they helped with childcare, they fought me which may of been the most difficult. They made really hard calls, like sending their friend to the hospital when it was needed.  

     None of us knew where to start, what to look for and how all of this aligned with a Christian faith.  I'm so thankful that I wasn't judged for needing help and they have stood by and still stand by me.  These three families were the main sources of support the first time around and they each had very different roles. One friend helped in a very practical way, she helped me with the boys every single week day, I wasn't at a point that I could give my boys what they needed so she filled that need.  The other two had similar roles, both sound theological and practical advice and really being in the ugly dark trenches of my head.  One was like a big sister and the other was able to have a perspective on the situation that well, I don't really know how that worked but it did and that's what was needed.  There is absolutely no way that I can thank them or repay them in a way that they deserve.  My church tried to be understanding but really didn't know what to do with a mental health crisis, it hadn't happened so publicly before.

     Now this time around we all have experience. To my surprise my friends jumped right back into the roles they had before. Asking if I should see the Dr. and set up counseling appointments.  (We hadn't stayed super close after I had gotten 'well', which was probably for the best.)  I couldn't believe that they would willingly put themselves back into this crazy difficult journey, I didn't even ask, they saw what was happening and stepped into the roles they I needed them to play.  If that isn't Christ like selfless love I don't know what is. 

     This time however the church body has been so understanding. They have been helpful in ways that I can't even imagine and mental illness is not taboo anymore.  There is a freedom to acknowledge the difficulties that I'm facing.  There is a freedom to talk openly with me, check in with me, and me writing this that keeps people aware of what life is like right now.  I am asked about how I'm doing, when I'm going to be home, how things are... It's felt so strange at first to be in a community that truly loves and cares about me. I have never had the 'do not be anxious about anything (Phil 4:6-7) verse shoved in my face by my anyone in my church, or any of my support system. I really am thankful for those who realize the difference between situation anxiety and an anxiety illness.  Some others have used words like these to try encourage me, I think, or at least I hope, in the past. However, what gets communicated is 'you don't have enough faith' or 'you have no reason to be'... or my favorite 'you're just doing this for attention'.

     Now I am home, I'm loved for who I am PTSD, agoraphobia and all.  I am so supported by friends and family.  I am challenged to keep getting better. I get checked in on, helped, and encouraged.  I have a group of people, a support system, that has helped, is helping and I'm confidant will continue to help.  They've proven themselves in so many ways: they stay, they show they care, they challenge, they pray, they push or pull.  They are together such a strong group of people and they completely counter so many of the lies that play in my head.  I am so blessed by God to be in a church who shows Christ's love through His people. Perfect no, trying yes, loving yes, real yes. 

     I am also very aware that most people don't have a support system like I do and I know how difficult it is.  So, I encourage you if you don't have anyone to talk to try to find one person who will listen, even if it's by text.  I'll listen, but I only have experience no training and I'll try to help you find someone who is more reliable than myself as I'm still going through the muck...  

    So, thank you to all the people who have supported me thus far and will support me and my family in the future. 

And most of all, My God is an Awesome God.

   

Breathe in and now let it out

 I've had to tell myself that many many times lately.... 

    It's been a while and life has been absolutely crazy stressful.  I was very anxious about the boys going to school and what that meant for me, giving up control.  I'm still wrestling with issues that  come up dealing with a system that is inflexible and therefore fighting for and supplement their education.

     Rewind two days, before school started on a normal Sunday afternoon Aaron received a call from my mom. My dad had collapsed and my mom needed a ride to the hospital. I found someone to take the boys then headed to the hospital not knowing any more information. I get to the hospital and I'm quickly shown to a family room. Then the social worker comes in and talks to me and I go in the trauma room. When I walked in they were doing CPR and manual ventilation. That was the first time I had ever seen CPR actually performed, it's quite an experience, very eye opening. But I looked at my dad's face and knew he was gone. From there the details are not mine alone, or mine to share with the world. The rest of the day was crazy ( it didn't slow down for like a week), and some how we are making it. Pray for my Mom.

    The next day was meet the teacher day. So, we went to meet the boys teachers and inform them that their Grandpa had died the day before. We felt that it was important for them to go to school because: 

         1 they had never been in a traditional school 

         2 they would miss all the beginning directions and 

         3 it started a routine that need to be established.

    I'm so thankful for the family that was able to come in and help. I'm still dealing with all my PTSD stuff and working on getting healthy so there wasn't any way Aaron and I could provide the help my mom needed, and she knew and acknowledged that.

     My family helped greatly and I told them to take care of those things and I'll take care of that side of things therefore limiting my involvement and setting a boundary. Wait did I just say boundary? Yes I did, I'm learning... slowly... And, when I was asked what would be helpful for us I was able to put a voice to what we needed (dinners, thanks Northbrook) for the first time... yup that happened too. I was also able to accept it without feeling guilty.  (who is this person?) Learning to know my limits and ask for help before I'm at a state of dissociation or being checked out is weird, a good weird. I can breathe and process emotions instead of just putting them behind a brick wall and not dealing with them. Though I've found that to be very difficult too as I'm new to this' being engaged emotionally' and 'feeling feelings' beyond surface level.

     My new therapist and I have had so much to talk about with current and past events. I believe diving into the deep end isn't the best strategy but it wasn't my call. Since I was able to give her my 'stuff' from the last year of treatment she could learn some of my history and see my progression. Then with the current events see how I handle the situations at the point I am right now. I think it is more telling of my abilities and weaknesses when it is a current event. So how am I doing? I don't know, family, friends, and therapy professionals see an improvement. I can acknowledge some but I'm leery of accepting their words as truth. I'm also hyper vigilant of any sign of depression symptoms getting worse, I don't want to go back to where I was and am therefore creating anxiety for myself by doing so. (yes I know it is counterproductive)

     So, yes I can see some progress. 

   I've been forced into more social situations with the boys           being in school and I think I've come out ok with them.

   I let my panic show once in a walmart, I usually hide it               (huge deal).

   I've set a limit and a boundary.

   I still struggle to go places, but I go often enough to keep           the agoraphobia in check including helping at a                       friends business a couple days a month (which by the             way really isn't easy for me to do.) 

   I have also done something that has a long term comment,       actually it's a family thing but I have lead.

Meet Inky

  The night we picked her up

 She's the first long term future looking 'thing' I've dreamt about beyond planning what we are going to do the next 3 day weekend or vacation. 

These two are today 9/22. She's a black dog and my camera doesn't really show black on black w/o the flash (which requires the battery to be charged... =D )

    

     She's grown so much in the short time we've had her and she's crazy smart I can get her to do just about anything for a treat. I took her to the store today to get dog food and see how she would handle people, new smells, and other animals. It went better than expected. She was able to listen to me and sit and stay with distractions for a little while... at 12 weeks, I'll take it.

The Next Step in the Journey

         Transitioning back home has been quite a difficult experience. The major difficulties have been adjusting to being around kids, both mine and others, and finding the balance between self care, going out and staying home and being with people. Oh ya, then there's the whole finding a treatment team around here.

     Rogers helped me a bit, but the names they gave me either didn't take my insurance or it wasn't a good fit, then there is the inevitable waiting time before a therapist even had an opening in there schedule to see me.  Finding a therapist is difficult. In 60 to 90 minutes I'm trying to figure out if I can trust this person to let them into the deepest places in my world because this person can either really help me or hurt me. Through the interview/therapy session there are a bunch of questions and after processing both in my head and with Aaron sometimes conclusions aren't easy to make and take another visit.  

     My individual therapist was much more difficult to find than our marriage counselor. Our marriage therapist was the second we talked to and she was refereed to us by the first person we spoke to. The first person was humble enough to say that she thought a different therapist would be able to help us more than she could but she was willing to work with us if that's what we wanted.  This impressed me so much and I had already exhausted the choices Rogers had given me I went to her to she if she'd be a good fit. We've found that she's working out really well for us, at least thus far. It takes a little while to get to know each other and to be vulnerable.

     I have good days and I have I have horribly dreadful days and I really need the help now.  It takes time to built a relationship with anybody and this is no different, but things aren't just at the beginning stages of depression, I'm coming down from a high level of care and still need a fairly high level. Starting with a new therapist isn't ideal at this point but I really needed to start seeing someone in town.  I've ended up back at the therapist that referred me to the marriage therapist.  Her specialty is PTSD using EMDR.  She is learning about the exposure process from me.  My exposures at this point are social exposures and it helps that I sorta have an idea of what my limits are, like not going into a store or place with people is 3 days.  I'm still not being very vulnerable though, in one session I had several 'minor' panic attacks but didn't let her know that any of them were happening and after telling her at the end of session she told me that she had no clue they had happened.

     So for now, the nightmares, headaches, agoraphobia, and irrational fears have all increased . The disruption in the routine and all the changes have all my PTSD going off like crazy, especially the all or nothing thinking.  But then I have a good morning or even a good day so maybe I'll allow there to be some hope?  I still have a really long journey in front of me and it is still crazy hard but the glimpses of what I think normal is, like going into Sears and buying a chainsaw without freaking out, and without panic. I would have never thought that was possible without panic. Then there was going through the drive-thru lane at the pharmacy and having to speak to a new pharmacist and have a panic attack. 

However, there was yesterday the park. Splash pad, tire swing, friends and a warm day meant playing with the kids, getting wet and having fun, and just having fun.  I'll take it, and appreciate the day the best I know how and see what today brings.

Today I'm taking a (what seems like to me) a huge risk and bringing in my stuff from the past year of treatment.  It's the 'easiest' way to communicate a ton of information for her to hopefully get a jump start of learning me. It's scary to be vulnerable like this but in some ways easier because I don't have to actually say the words. I hope it goes well.

IOP & Transitioning Home

Back in May I started Intensive Outpatient (IOP) which means instead of being at programming for 6 hours a day I was there for three. At first I was understanding as I wasn't really getting much from one of the groups anyways, I’d been there a long time and had learned what I could from that group.  IOP started at a full week and then dropped about one day at a time every two weeks with the last 4 weeks being there only 2 day of the week. The transition was (and still is) very difficult for me. I hadn’t really been around my kids much at all for extended periods of time for about a year now and honestly wasn’t doing well before that either.  The boys are boys, they run they jump, they’re loud, and they’re not doing anything wrong, I just wasn’t able to handle it, it was too much stimulation for me at one time.  I’m slowly getting better at that but the most I can seem to handle is about half a day one on two with them.  This is greatly improved since the beginning of the transition to home. In May I had a very difficult time even being in the house with them at all, Aaron was home and that did help but I was a mess. I felt exhausted, overwhelmed and like I was never going to make it, no matter what I did I was going to fail. I can say now that is a very desperate hopeless place to live.  That’s where I was for a while as I didn’t see my adjustments to being home even remotely successful.  I didn’t write during that time because I was hurting so much and didn’t believe I could really be ok.

This is my first attempt at figuring out how to life without trauma being the defining factor. I have not a clue of what I’m doing. FIguring out who you are generally happens in childhood as you figure out how the world and relationships work.  I have always seemed to just not quite get it or I was being a people pleaser hoping to find kindness in return only to find out that I was really just being used for what I could do.  So now I’m trying to figure out what it means to say no to something that I really don’t want, I’ve found that I am extremely bad at it.  I usually end up freezing and just panicking internally and saying nothing or saying yes when I really don’t mean it.

Now I’m trying to figure out who I am, I know I have the roles of mother and wife, but those are just roles they don’t define me as a person.  Neither does being a homeschool/stay at home mom.  That’s what I’ve done, for 8 years, that’s where I found my identity. That isn't really a healthy way to live as I’ve found out.  Aaron and I have discussed and decided for at least this next year the boys will be joining the public school. It takes a lot of pressure off of me so that I can focus on healing, taking care of myself and finding my voice.  The decision was very difficult for me to accept; it took weeks of me being in denial and trying to figure out a way that I could still be able to do.  In the end after a long grieving process I knew that‘s what needed to happen, it was the best for me and the boys education.   But now what does that mean, I homeschool my boys, if I’m not doing that what will I do? Getting a job would get me out of the house but the whole reason I’m not teaching is to take stress off of me and give me flexibility as needed.  Anyways, this is a work in progress much like learning to be with my boys.

I’m really stressed out and have been for a long time. This has manifested itself in many ways.  I’ve felt sick, had crazy heartburn, no appetite, no desire to get up, had unexplained panic attacks, constant nightmares, headaches, and the one that bothered me the most is that I can’t remember things.  These symptoms were (are) really difficult to deal with because they are all happening simultaneously.  I’m so exhausted, my body is fatigued and tells me so, my eyes will move left to right very quickly for like 10 seconds occasionally, I have a hard time focusing my eyes on things close or far like never before, it’s really annoying but not constant.   

I have so much more I will say about my transition to home so that the next post. Thanks for reading and caring.

10 years and a tough week

 I’ve been thinking about how to tell the story of my last week and I keep coming up with dead ends.  I think though I need to try to write it out and work through it and figure it out.

    I'm in the middle of an ‘identity crisis’.  I’mm trying to figure out who I am outside of the trauma that has thus far defined much of my life.  These are murky muddy waters to wade though and I have no idea what it will look like on the other side, like really no clue.  Thus far I’ve let myself be defined by what I do because I don’t know who I am. However, now I’m lookig at those things changing and my role and what I do be very different than before.  Early last week it was brought to my attention, at a time i could at least kinda hear it, that I’m still working on getting well. I have a long way to go, they don’t keep you in PHP for months if you’re doing well.  I have a hard time seeing that I’m really not doing well when I”m at home and I have responcibilities beyond myself. And eventough those responcibilities are very limited I still get easily overwhelmed.  It’s hard for me to see the progress so I ask others what they’ve seen, what they’ve noticed and differences, if any, they have observed.  

    So, last week I was a mess, I am trying to fiure out who I am, what my purpose is and what I do with all of that. First I fought thinking I could take on all the roles that I had done previously with out a problem, well, logic kicked in and helped me see that that wasn’t/isn’t possible at ths time. That means that it will probably be best for the kids and myself to not homeschool this next year. It’s hard, this is what I’ve done for years, be with my boys all day everyday.  So now what? After thinknig about it for a while, I am able to see that it isn’t about me and how I’m a failure but how I can continue to work on healing and learning without the stress of homeschooling.  This decision isn’t final but we are leaning that way heavely.  That leaves me with well, what would I do all day? My mind has run through a hundred different ideas and I convince myself that I’m not good enough to do any of them, I don’t have the experiance or education or... All that leads to increasing my depression symptoms, and I know not doing anything would exsaperate that too.

    Then, I had nightmares, nightmares that were so real that in them i was teling myself what to do to ground myself. It was quite strange, but I couldn’t wake up. I knew it wasn’t really happening but man did it feel like it.  This happened two nights in a row and after the second night I woke up and said this is too real I need to ask about it. So, I did, and I was met with the responce of why is that a nightmare?  I fell apart, I then shut down then asked alot of questions, none of that really helped me, it was just information.  Then I cried, i cried like I havn’t cried for as long as I could remember, and mad it about me. The immediate self blame kicked into high gear and all the negitive thoughts about myself were flyin through my head at an astonishing speed.  These are all thoughts related to my identity, who I am, what’s my purpose. I went down the path of ‘i’m not good enough nor will I ever be’, I’m broken and can’t be fixed, all I’ll ever be is someone to be taken advantage of then left alone in a pile of junk.  I went through so many feelings, sadness, loss, grief, anger, fear and digust over an over again cycling through them and getting stuck in one for a while.  It hurt, I hurt and there was nothing I could do about it at that time.

    Finally, when there was time to work through this problem I went from extremly sad to fearful.  Now, it is my turn to screw up.  All my fears and inscurities were yelling so loud that I felt that I had no option or strength to fight. I disconnected, I was a slave to those fears and let them take over and now I feel so much shame.  I’ve sat alone in it and felt very anxious even at the thought of speaking the truth.

    All of that was put on hold, sorta, when I heared from many firends at church on Sunday. Despite having a really bad panic attack several people came up and talked with me, my thought, ’yay I”m not invisible” and ‘wow, these people actually care’.  That is quite opposite of how I was feeling the day before.  So, Mother’s day was good, I was able to enjoy being with friends and family. I wasn’t however able to make it home for my anniversary Friday.  Aaron and I have now been married for 10 years. 10 really difficult and trying years.  Don’t get me wrong there’s good stuff too, but there’s been alot of difficulty. My trauma, depression and fear, his not knowing how to help and feeling like he’s been sidelined while I try to work though all this.  One of the more recent realizations has been it’s not just my stuff, it’s our stuff, we are a team, we are in this together, for better or worse. It is a testament to God’s grace that we are were we are.  I didn’t really realize it untill friends of mine and friends of Aarons comment on how they can’t believe that we are still married. And these are people that believe strongly in the sanctity of marriage.  So to us Aaron, to our tenacity, our commitment and love. Thank you for never giving up on me when I’ve gone to the darkest places possible here on Earth.  

Hopefully I’ll soon be able to grasp who I am and what my purpose is outside the roles I play.   

The transition to IOP

        Wednesday marked 1 week of being in IOP (intensive out patient). That means I’m in programming for 3 hours instead of 6, I chose to do afternoons.  At first I was scared what did this mean, does this mean, am almost done?  What I learned is that it means fewer groups and more individual work.  Ok, this makes sense, I’ve gotten what I really can get from those groups and now I will focus more on the work I need to do by myself. However, change is scary even if it’s good change.

    Now, I get to sleep in but I don’t usually, and find things that I can do as exposures every morning. One of my things is being in crowds and noisy places; in the morning that’s not many places. Stores are almost empty, because most people are at work. Then Jimmy John’s provided a great opportunity to get in a very trying exposure. Standing in line with people very close to me for a long period of time who were very much in my personal space made me feel very uncomfortable. Then, lets add the construction that was going on on the closest street, meaning lots of noise.  It was overwhelming, I was very uncomfortable standing in line (I can still feel the chills run down my body as I write about it) and then thinking about going into a very packed restaurant. Jimmy John’s had t very well organized and made the long line move quickly and for some reason the seating area wasn’t packed at all, which was confusing because I wasn’t really seeing that many people come out of the place.  Anyways, I did it, I accomplished, for me, a very difficult thing to do.  I was panicky and ended up with a migraine last night but, I didn’t bail on the task.

    The treatment team now has me tricking my sleeping patterns, writing down what times I’m waking up every night and taking notes about conversations and things i need to remember.  I can’t remember so much of what has happened the night before or even what question I was supposed to be answering.  It is very frustrating for me as I usually can remember so much of what I do, say, and hear.  Change is difficult and I feel like I’m going backwards a bit but, I was assured that this was normal and it doens’t mean I’m spiralling down to a deep dark hole that I’ve found myself in before.  That’s what I’m scared of happening, I don’t want to go there again, it is a horrible place to be.  This time, however, I’m going to do my best to not slide all the way down but to take a bridge across the valley well before the bottom. Now, with help, I just need to figure out how to do that.  

    I’m still very much battling, I still face my demons day and night. It is still extremely difficult work.  But now I have a higher tolerance for anxiety and awareness of how I’m feeling. I’m learning how to identify my boundaries both of my physical boundaries and where I will let other people into.  Doing the exercises are really weird but I think they are starting to make a difference. I still have a long way to go, as this will be a fight for the rest of my life but, hopefully not to this intensity ever again. I’m trying my best, dong what i can to challenge myself even when I don’t want to get out of bed, praying and knowing that it will make a difference.

    The best thing about dropping to IOP is that I can stay home through Sunday night.  I get to have half a day more with my friends and family, my support system.  It may not seem like much but I’ve been physically gone since July and not really there emotionally since December or January.  It’s been a long time. So, having all of Sunday home is a huge difference. Today might be a very difficult day but also possibly very rewarding.  As the seals put it, “the only easy day was yesterday”. The battle continues, and I have no idea what is coming next, however, I know my God will give me what I need when I need it.  

The agoraphobia is still a very difficult thing I’m battling with as I can’t go very long without going somewhere or the anxiety I feel just getting to the parking lot feels crippling.  That’s one of the reasons the Jimmy John’s thing means so much. Thanks for reading and following my story as it develops. I hope you can see the battles that are raging and the source of my hope and strength. And maybe lets you know there is someone out there struggling day by day, breath by breath to keep going, and you can too.  

A friend completed suicide this last week and it is heart wrenching, I don’t ever really know how I feel other than scared and sad.  We had similar reasons to keep going when things were at their worst and it scares me becks I think “what if those things ever got to the point that they would’n’t stop me?”.  But, I am not her, and I have asked for help, and I encourage you to ask for it if you need it yourself, or watch out for the darkness in the people with whom you interact with.  You may be the only person that even says hi, or I can listen.

Here is the song I’ve been listening to a lot lately as I think it describers where I’m at and is really helpful connecting with how I’m feeling. “The Middle” by Jimmy Eat World. As well as Rhapsody in Blue by Gershwin and some other marches and symphonic pieces.

The MIddle