My Godsent Army

     I've written on here about my struggles and what life has been dealing me but not really much else. I am trying to give an account of what it's like going through this recovery but I really haven't given credit where credit is due.  

     This isn't my first extremely difficult time in my life since kids.  The first time was around 5ish years ago soon after my Zeker's was born.  At that time Aaron and I knew we couldn't live/get through life without asking for help. So, God led us to 3 families, 2 of which we didn't know really at all. For us (me) it was unheard of to ask someone for help much less this level of help.  We were asking these people to HELP.  They were committing to time, effort, love, direction, and many more things that I can't name because I don't know what all they did for me.  They fought for me, they helped with childcare, they fought me which may of been the most difficult. They made really hard calls, like sending their friend to the hospital when it was needed.  

     None of us knew where to start, what to look for and how all of this aligned with a Christian faith.  I'm so thankful that I wasn't judged for needing help and they have stood by and still stand by me.  These three families were the main sources of support the first time around and they each had very different roles. One friend helped in a very practical way, she helped me with the boys every single week day, I wasn't at a point that I could give my boys what they needed so she filled that need.  The other two had similar roles, both sound theological and practical advice and really being in the ugly dark trenches of my head.  One was like a big sister and the other was able to have a perspective on the situation that well, I don't really know how that worked but it did and that's what was needed.  There is absolutely no way that I can thank them or repay them in a way that they deserve.  My church tried to be understanding but really didn't know what to do with a mental health crisis, it hadn't happened so publicly before.

     Now this time around we all have experience. To my surprise my friends jumped right back into the roles they had before. Asking if I should see the Dr. and set up counseling appointments.  (We hadn't stayed super close after I had gotten 'well', which was probably for the best.)  I couldn't believe that they would willingly put themselves back into this crazy difficult journey, I didn't even ask, they saw what was happening and stepped into the roles they I needed them to play.  If that isn't Christ like selfless love I don't know what is. 

     This time however the church body has been so understanding. They have been helpful in ways that I can't even imagine and mental illness is not taboo anymore.  There is a freedom to acknowledge the difficulties that I'm facing.  There is a freedom to talk openly with me, check in with me, and me writing this that keeps people aware of what life is like right now.  I am asked about how I'm doing, when I'm going to be home, how things are... It's felt so strange at first to be in a community that truly loves and cares about me. I have never had the 'do not be anxious about anything (Phil 4:6-7) verse shoved in my face by my anyone in my church, or any of my support system. I really am thankful for those who realize the difference between situation anxiety and an anxiety illness.  Some others have used words like these to try encourage me, I think, or at least I hope, in the past. However, what gets communicated is 'you don't have enough faith' or 'you have no reason to be'... or my favorite 'you're just doing this for attention'.

     Now I am home, I'm loved for who I am PTSD, agoraphobia and all.  I am so supported by friends and family.  I am challenged to keep getting better. I get checked in on, helped, and encouraged.  I have a group of people, a support system, that has helped, is helping and I'm confidant will continue to help.  They've proven themselves in so many ways: they stay, they show they care, they challenge, they pray, they push or pull.  They are together such a strong group of people and they completely counter so many of the lies that play in my head.  I am so blessed by God to be in a church who shows Christ's love through His people. Perfect no, trying yes, loving yes, real yes. 

     I am also very aware that most people don't have a support system like I do and I know how difficult it is.  So, I encourage you if you don't have anyone to talk to try to find one person who will listen, even if it's by text.  I'll listen, but I only have experience no training and I'll try to help you find someone who is more reliable than myself as I'm still going through the muck...  

    So, thank you to all the people who have supported me thus far and will support me and my family in the future. 

And most of all, My God is an Awesome God.

   

Breathe in and now let it out

 I've had to tell myself that many many times lately.... 

    It's been a while and life has been absolutely crazy stressful.  I was very anxious about the boys going to school and what that meant for me, giving up control.  I'm still wrestling with issues that  come up dealing with a system that is inflexible and therefore fighting for and supplement their education.

     Rewind two days, before school started on a normal Sunday afternoon Aaron received a call from my mom. My dad had collapsed and my mom needed a ride to the hospital. I found someone to take the boys then headed to the hospital not knowing any more information. I get to the hospital and I'm quickly shown to a family room. Then the social worker comes in and talks to me and I go in the trauma room. When I walked in they were doing CPR and manual ventilation. That was the first time I had ever seen CPR actually performed, it's quite an experience, very eye opening. But I looked at my dad's face and knew he was gone. From there the details are not mine alone, or mine to share with the world. The rest of the day was crazy ( it didn't slow down for like a week), and some how we are making it. Pray for my Mom.

    The next day was meet the teacher day. So, we went to meet the boys teachers and inform them that their Grandpa had died the day before. We felt that it was important for them to go to school because: 

         1 they had never been in a traditional school 

         2 they would miss all the beginning directions and 

         3 it started a routine that need to be established.

    I'm so thankful for the family that was able to come in and help. I'm still dealing with all my PTSD stuff and working on getting healthy so there wasn't any way Aaron and I could provide the help my mom needed, and she knew and acknowledged that.

     My family helped greatly and I told them to take care of those things and I'll take care of that side of things therefore limiting my involvement and setting a boundary. Wait did I just say boundary? Yes I did, I'm learning... slowly... And, when I was asked what would be helpful for us I was able to put a voice to what we needed (dinners, thanks Northbrook) for the first time... yup that happened too. I was also able to accept it without feeling guilty.  (who is this person?) Learning to know my limits and ask for help before I'm at a state of dissociation or being checked out is weird, a good weird. I can breathe and process emotions instead of just putting them behind a brick wall and not dealing with them. Though I've found that to be very difficult too as I'm new to this' being engaged emotionally' and 'feeling feelings' beyond surface level.

     My new therapist and I have had so much to talk about with current and past events. I believe diving into the deep end isn't the best strategy but it wasn't my call. Since I was able to give her my 'stuff' from the last year of treatment she could learn some of my history and see my progression. Then with the current events see how I handle the situations at the point I am right now. I think it is more telling of my abilities and weaknesses when it is a current event. So how am I doing? I don't know, family, friends, and therapy professionals see an improvement. I can acknowledge some but I'm leery of accepting their words as truth. I'm also hyper vigilant of any sign of depression symptoms getting worse, I don't want to go back to where I was and am therefore creating anxiety for myself by doing so. (yes I know it is counterproductive)

     So, yes I can see some progress. 

   I've been forced into more social situations with the boys           being in school and I think I've come out ok with them.

   I let my panic show once in a walmart, I usually hide it               (huge deal).

   I've set a limit and a boundary.

   I still struggle to go places, but I go often enough to keep           the agoraphobia in check including helping at a                       friends business a couple days a month (which by the             way really isn't easy for me to do.) 

   I have also done something that has a long term comment,       actually it's a family thing but I have lead.

Meet Inky

  The night we picked her up

 She's the first long term future looking 'thing' I've dreamt about beyond planning what we are going to do the next 3 day weekend or vacation. 

These two are today 9/22. She's a black dog and my camera doesn't really show black on black w/o the flash (which requires the battery to be charged... =D )

    

     She's grown so much in the short time we've had her and she's crazy smart I can get her to do just about anything for a treat. I took her to the store today to get dog food and see how she would handle people, new smells, and other animals. It went better than expected. She was able to listen to me and sit and stay with distractions for a little while... at 12 weeks, I'll take it.

The Next Step in the Journey

         Transitioning back home has been quite a difficult experience. The major difficulties have been adjusting to being around kids, both mine and others, and finding the balance between self care, going out and staying home and being with people. Oh ya, then there's the whole finding a treatment team around here.

     Rogers helped me a bit, but the names they gave me either didn't take my insurance or it wasn't a good fit, then there is the inevitable waiting time before a therapist even had an opening in there schedule to see me.  Finding a therapist is difficult. In 60 to 90 minutes I'm trying to figure out if I can trust this person to let them into the deepest places in my world because this person can either really help me or hurt me. Through the interview/therapy session there are a bunch of questions and after processing both in my head and with Aaron sometimes conclusions aren't easy to make and take another visit.  

     My individual therapist was much more difficult to find than our marriage counselor. Our marriage therapist was the second we talked to and she was refereed to us by the first person we spoke to. The first person was humble enough to say that she thought a different therapist would be able to help us more than she could but she was willing to work with us if that's what we wanted.  This impressed me so much and I had already exhausted the choices Rogers had given me I went to her to she if she'd be a good fit. We've found that she's working out really well for us, at least thus far. It takes a little while to get to know each other and to be vulnerable.

     I have good days and I have I have horribly dreadful days and I really need the help now.  It takes time to built a relationship with anybody and this is no different, but things aren't just at the beginning stages of depression, I'm coming down from a high level of care and still need a fairly high level. Starting with a new therapist isn't ideal at this point but I really needed to start seeing someone in town.  I've ended up back at the therapist that referred me to the marriage therapist.  Her specialty is PTSD using EMDR.  She is learning about the exposure process from me.  My exposures at this point are social exposures and it helps that I sorta have an idea of what my limits are, like not going into a store or place with people is 3 days.  I'm still not being very vulnerable though, in one session I had several 'minor' panic attacks but didn't let her know that any of them were happening and after telling her at the end of session she told me that she had no clue they had happened.

     So for now, the nightmares, headaches, agoraphobia, and irrational fears have all increased . The disruption in the routine and all the changes have all my PTSD going off like crazy, especially the all or nothing thinking.  But then I have a good morning or even a good day so maybe I'll allow there to be some hope?  I still have a really long journey in front of me and it is still crazy hard but the glimpses of what I think normal is, like going into Sears and buying a chainsaw without freaking out, and without panic. I would have never thought that was possible without panic. Then there was going through the drive-thru lane at the pharmacy and having to speak to a new pharmacist and have a panic attack. 

However, there was yesterday the park. Splash pad, tire swing, friends and a warm day meant playing with the kids, getting wet and having fun, and just having fun.  I'll take it, and appreciate the day the best I know how and see what today brings.

Today I'm taking a (what seems like to me) a huge risk and bringing in my stuff from the past year of treatment.  It's the 'easiest' way to communicate a ton of information for her to hopefully get a jump start of learning me. It's scary to be vulnerable like this but in some ways easier because I don't have to actually say the words. I hope it goes well.

IOP & Transitioning Home

Back in May I started Intensive Outpatient (IOP) which means instead of being at programming for 6 hours a day I was there for three. At first I was understanding as I wasn't really getting much from one of the groups anyways, I’d been there a long time and had learned what I could from that group.  IOP started at a full week and then dropped about one day at a time every two weeks with the last 4 weeks being there only 2 day of the week. The transition was (and still is) very difficult for me. I hadn’t really been around my kids much at all for extended periods of time for about a year now and honestly wasn’t doing well before that either.  The boys are boys, they run they jump, they’re loud, and they’re not doing anything wrong, I just wasn’t able to handle it, it was too much stimulation for me at one time.  I’m slowly getting better at that but the most I can seem to handle is about half a day one on two with them.  This is greatly improved since the beginning of the transition to home. In May I had a very difficult time even being in the house with them at all, Aaron was home and that did help but I was a mess. I felt exhausted, overwhelmed and like I was never going to make it, no matter what I did I was going to fail. I can say now that is a very desperate hopeless place to live.  That’s where I was for a while as I didn’t see my adjustments to being home even remotely successful.  I didn’t write during that time because I was hurting so much and didn’t believe I could really be ok.

This is my first attempt at figuring out how to life without trauma being the defining factor. I have not a clue of what I’m doing. FIguring out who you are generally happens in childhood as you figure out how the world and relationships work.  I have always seemed to just not quite get it or I was being a people pleaser hoping to find kindness in return only to find out that I was really just being used for what I could do.  So now I’m trying to figure out what it means to say no to something that I really don’t want, I’ve found that I am extremely bad at it.  I usually end up freezing and just panicking internally and saying nothing or saying yes when I really don’t mean it.

Now I’m trying to figure out who I am, I know I have the roles of mother and wife, but those are just roles they don’t define me as a person.  Neither does being a homeschool/stay at home mom.  That’s what I’ve done, for 8 years, that’s where I found my identity. That isn't really a healthy way to live as I’ve found out.  Aaron and I have discussed and decided for at least this next year the boys will be joining the public school. It takes a lot of pressure off of me so that I can focus on healing, taking care of myself and finding my voice.  The decision was very difficult for me to accept; it took weeks of me being in denial and trying to figure out a way that I could still be able to do.  In the end after a long grieving process I knew that‘s what needed to happen, it was the best for me and the boys education.   But now what does that mean, I homeschool my boys, if I’m not doing that what will I do? Getting a job would get me out of the house but the whole reason I’m not teaching is to take stress off of me and give me flexibility as needed.  Anyways, this is a work in progress much like learning to be with my boys.

I’m really stressed out and have been for a long time. This has manifested itself in many ways.  I’ve felt sick, had crazy heartburn, no appetite, no desire to get up, had unexplained panic attacks, constant nightmares, headaches, and the one that bothered me the most is that I can’t remember things.  These symptoms were (are) really difficult to deal with because they are all happening simultaneously.  I’m so exhausted, my body is fatigued and tells me so, my eyes will move left to right very quickly for like 10 seconds occasionally, I have a hard time focusing my eyes on things close or far like never before, it’s really annoying but not constant.   

I have so much more I will say about my transition to home so that the next post. Thanks for reading and caring.

10 years and a tough week

 I’ve been thinking about how to tell the story of my last week and I keep coming up with dead ends.  I think though I need to try to write it out and work through it and figure it out.

    I'm in the middle of an ‘identity crisis’.  I’mm trying to figure out who I am outside of the trauma that has thus far defined much of my life.  These are murky muddy waters to wade though and I have no idea what it will look like on the other side, like really no clue.  Thus far I’ve let myself be defined by what I do because I don’t know who I am. However, now I’m lookig at those things changing and my role and what I do be very different than before.  Early last week it was brought to my attention, at a time i could at least kinda hear it, that I’m still working on getting well. I have a long way to go, they don’t keep you in PHP for months if you’re doing well.  I have a hard time seeing that I’m really not doing well when I”m at home and I have responcibilities beyond myself. And eventough those responcibilities are very limited I still get easily overwhelmed.  It’s hard for me to see the progress so I ask others what they’ve seen, what they’ve noticed and differences, if any, they have observed.  

    So, last week I was a mess, I am trying to fiure out who I am, what my purpose is and what I do with all of that. First I fought thinking I could take on all the roles that I had done previously with out a problem, well, logic kicked in and helped me see that that wasn’t/isn’t possible at ths time. That means that it will probably be best for the kids and myself to not homeschool this next year. It’s hard, this is what I’ve done for years, be with my boys all day everyday.  So now what? After thinknig about it for a while, I am able to see that it isn’t about me and how I’m a failure but how I can continue to work on healing and learning without the stress of homeschooling.  This decision isn’t final but we are leaning that way heavely.  That leaves me with well, what would I do all day? My mind has run through a hundred different ideas and I convince myself that I’m not good enough to do any of them, I don’t have the experiance or education or... All that leads to increasing my depression symptoms, and I know not doing anything would exsaperate that too.

    Then, I had nightmares, nightmares that were so real that in them i was teling myself what to do to ground myself. It was quite strange, but I couldn’t wake up. I knew it wasn’t really happening but man did it feel like it.  This happened two nights in a row and after the second night I woke up and said this is too real I need to ask about it. So, I did, and I was met with the responce of why is that a nightmare?  I fell apart, I then shut down then asked alot of questions, none of that really helped me, it was just information.  Then I cried, i cried like I havn’t cried for as long as I could remember, and mad it about me. The immediate self blame kicked into high gear and all the negitive thoughts about myself were flyin through my head at an astonishing speed.  These are all thoughts related to my identity, who I am, what’s my purpose. I went down the path of ‘i’m not good enough nor will I ever be’, I’m broken and can’t be fixed, all I’ll ever be is someone to be taken advantage of then left alone in a pile of junk.  I went through so many feelings, sadness, loss, grief, anger, fear and digust over an over again cycling through them and getting stuck in one for a while.  It hurt, I hurt and there was nothing I could do about it at that time.

    Finally, when there was time to work through this problem I went from extremly sad to fearful.  Now, it is my turn to screw up.  All my fears and inscurities were yelling so loud that I felt that I had no option or strength to fight. I disconnected, I was a slave to those fears and let them take over and now I feel so much shame.  I’ve sat alone in it and felt very anxious even at the thought of speaking the truth.

    All of that was put on hold, sorta, when I heared from many firends at church on Sunday. Despite having a really bad panic attack several people came up and talked with me, my thought, ’yay I”m not invisible” and ‘wow, these people actually care’.  That is quite opposite of how I was feeling the day before.  So, Mother’s day was good, I was able to enjoy being with friends and family. I wasn’t however able to make it home for my anniversary Friday.  Aaron and I have now been married for 10 years. 10 really difficult and trying years.  Don’t get me wrong there’s good stuff too, but there’s been alot of difficulty. My trauma, depression and fear, his not knowing how to help and feeling like he’s been sidelined while I try to work though all this.  One of the more recent realizations has been it’s not just my stuff, it’s our stuff, we are a team, we are in this together, for better or worse. It is a testament to God’s grace that we are were we are.  I didn’t really realize it untill friends of mine and friends of Aarons comment on how they can’t believe that we are still married. And these are people that believe strongly in the sanctity of marriage.  So to us Aaron, to our tenacity, our commitment and love. Thank you for never giving up on me when I’ve gone to the darkest places possible here on Earth.  

Hopefully I’ll soon be able to grasp who I am and what my purpose is outside the roles I play.   

The transition to IOP

        Wednesday marked 1 week of being in IOP (intensive out patient). That means I’m in programming for 3 hours instead of 6, I chose to do afternoons.  At first I was scared what did this mean, does this mean, am almost done?  What I learned is that it means fewer groups and more individual work.  Ok, this makes sense, I’ve gotten what I really can get from those groups and now I will focus more on the work I need to do by myself. However, change is scary even if it’s good change.

    Now, I get to sleep in but I don’t usually, and find things that I can do as exposures every morning. One of my things is being in crowds and noisy places; in the morning that’s not many places. Stores are almost empty, because most people are at work. Then Jimmy John’s provided a great opportunity to get in a very trying exposure. Standing in line with people very close to me for a long period of time who were very much in my personal space made me feel very uncomfortable. Then, lets add the construction that was going on on the closest street, meaning lots of noise.  It was overwhelming, I was very uncomfortable standing in line (I can still feel the chills run down my body as I write about it) and then thinking about going into a very packed restaurant. Jimmy John’s had t very well organized and made the long line move quickly and for some reason the seating area wasn’t packed at all, which was confusing because I wasn’t really seeing that many people come out of the place.  Anyways, I did it, I accomplished, for me, a very difficult thing to do.  I was panicky and ended up with a migraine last night but, I didn’t bail on the task.

    The treatment team now has me tricking my sleeping patterns, writing down what times I’m waking up every night and taking notes about conversations and things i need to remember.  I can’t remember so much of what has happened the night before or even what question I was supposed to be answering.  It is very frustrating for me as I usually can remember so much of what I do, say, and hear.  Change is difficult and I feel like I’m going backwards a bit but, I was assured that this was normal and it doens’t mean I’m spiralling down to a deep dark hole that I’ve found myself in before.  That’s what I’m scared of happening, I don’t want to go there again, it is a horrible place to be.  This time, however, I’m going to do my best to not slide all the way down but to take a bridge across the valley well before the bottom. Now, with help, I just need to figure out how to do that.  

    I’m still very much battling, I still face my demons day and night. It is still extremely difficult work.  But now I have a higher tolerance for anxiety and awareness of how I’m feeling. I’m learning how to identify my boundaries both of my physical boundaries and where I will let other people into.  Doing the exercises are really weird but I think they are starting to make a difference. I still have a long way to go, as this will be a fight for the rest of my life but, hopefully not to this intensity ever again. I’m trying my best, dong what i can to challenge myself even when I don’t want to get out of bed, praying and knowing that it will make a difference.

    The best thing about dropping to IOP is that I can stay home through Sunday night.  I get to have half a day more with my friends and family, my support system.  It may not seem like much but I’ve been physically gone since July and not really there emotionally since December or January.  It’s been a long time. So, having all of Sunday home is a huge difference. Today might be a very difficult day but also possibly very rewarding.  As the seals put it, “the only easy day was yesterday”. The battle continues, and I have no idea what is coming next, however, I know my God will give me what I need when I need it.  

The agoraphobia is still a very difficult thing I’m battling with as I can’t go very long without going somewhere or the anxiety I feel just getting to the parking lot feels crippling.  That’s one of the reasons the Jimmy John’s thing means so much. Thanks for reading and following my story as it develops. I hope you can see the battles that are raging and the source of my hope and strength. And maybe lets you know there is someone out there struggling day by day, breath by breath to keep going, and you can too.  

A friend completed suicide this last week and it is heart wrenching, I don’t ever really know how I feel other than scared and sad.  We had similar reasons to keep going when things were at their worst and it scares me becks I think “what if those things ever got to the point that they would’n’t stop me?”.  But, I am not her, and I have asked for help, and I encourage you to ask for it if you need it yourself, or watch out for the darkness in the people with whom you interact with.  You may be the only person that even says hi, or I can listen.

Here is the song I’ve been listening to a lot lately as I think it describers where I’m at and is really helpful connecting with how I’m feeling. “The Middle” by Jimmy Eat World. As well as Rhapsody in Blue by Gershwin and some other marches and symphonic pieces.

The MIddle

Flip Flops

     So, with help, I'm seeing things with a new hope. For the longest time I was not connecting with my kids at all. I was playing the part of parent and doing what I’m ‘supposed’ to do but that's it.  This last week my mom and the boys spent the week up here since it was my nephew's spring break. It was a tough week for me (if you don’t know what I’m talking about read the last post). But one bad, situation showed me something that I havn’t seen in a long time, the boys need for me and that I can connect to them.  There was a miscommunication and the boys ended up paying for it. I took them out of the situation and held them and let them cry on me and it gave me a chance to be mom and to love on them.  I don’t like that this situation had to happen for me to have that chance but that’s what the three of us needed. We are stronger for facing conflict together. They KNOW mommy is going to protect them and take time to listen to their words as they try to figure out what happened and how they are feeling.  The toughest situations bring us together and make our bonds tight. I really havn’t had that since I’ve been gone so long but now those bonds are tight again. I love my boys, and my boys love me. I am the best mom for them. I keep working through my trauma for me and my family.  It’s not easy and by no means fun, but if it were, everyone would do it. This is hard stuff, imagine trying to dig up a boulder with a plastic spoon hard.

     This has given me new energy to keep fighting, to face my demons day in and day out, even tough they leave me so tired, and they're never quite, they're there at night too(ahh night mares). So my battle is sleep and memory. I don’t know what it would look like to have a full nights sleep would do for me but I know it’d sure be nice to find out. As for memory, I can’t remember much of anything, or at least that’s what it feels like. I can’t remember conversations or details about anything and that is really frustrating for me but I know it’s a temporary thing that I have to deal with.  My body is super stressed and it’s showing up in many ways, that’s two of them.  

     I feel like I’m making progress after being stuck for a very long time, thank God.  Progress seems to come in spurts and I feel like I’m in one now.  I’m ‘excited?’ to work on this really crappy stuff because there’s movement.  I’d still do the work even when I didn’t feel like it but man to feel the love, see the movement, feel the hope makes doing this really hard exposure work worth it.

     I love my boys (all 3 of them) so much, and I want to be back with them, but I know I need to be better than I am before that happens. I was very overwhelmed having them here last week despite my desire to be around them. I had a hard time even imagining how I could return to being their full time mom. The thing is I can’t right now and that’s ok. I'm glad God has given me the insight and strength to continue working, pressing on, getting out of bed, going to treatment, and working as hard as I can.  I love seeing the little light of hope, but the daily struggles are still very real. I didn’t want to get up this morning as most mornings, but today was particularly hard. BUT I can see where I’m going, and that my friends is the most glorious thing I never thought I’d see.

THERE IS HOPE and I have some now. =)

Being tired...

The last couple of weeks have been rough for me. The week before Easter I was difficult and exhausting. The weekend plans went from going to a memorial service in St. Louis to just going home to me staying in MIL and the boys coming up to me just staying here in MIL and having a quiet weekend up here. The little boys were going to be up here the whole next week (this week).  This week is has been very difficult having the boys here because my programing has been challenging.  I’ve been having really bad flashbacks, and sometimes getting stuck in them.  One that I was stuck in for I think they said 3 hours.  That means I don’t remember what was going on my brain is trying to protect me even though logically I know I’m safe but I can't connect the two parts of my brain. I came out of the flashback so tired that I went to sleep. I haven’t gone to sleep that hard in such a long time that I guess I started having a nightmare. Anyways, the therapist woke me up and I was really confused and lost. Once I figured out where I was I went on the rest of the day as normal. That night I couldn't sleep, I was having nightmares and heart burn and couldn’t even lay down.  So with about 3 hours of sleep and not feeling the greatest I headed out for programming.  I felt the holy spirit urging me to pray and so I did.  I prayed ask God to keep me safe on the way to programming and through out the day.  Well, I got into a car accident on the way there, which you may think that means I wasn’t being protected; and yes I’d rather not be in accident at all; but I was.  I was on the interstate driving with the traffic somewhere around 70 to75 mph, when a guy decided that traffic was going too slow for his liking and started driving up the shoulder of the road, there is not enough room for someone to drive on the shoulder.  So naturally the car in the left lane swerved toward me, I went into the right lane some.  I heard a crunch and it took a second to register but I realized I’d hit someone but as soon as I did I pulled over to the side. Well the other person stopped on one side of the bridge that I stopped on. I pulled forward off the bridge on to the shoulder and just sat there.  I was in my new (to us) car and I was having a panic attack. I didn’t call anyone or do anything but sit. Shortly the fire department and ambulance showed up. A firefighter came to my window and asked if I was ok. I said I was and I was just having a panic attack, but my voice was very calm as if nothing was happening. He looked very confused and I don’t blame him, the speech and the physical observations didn’t match.  They asked if I had looked at my car. I said no, that I’d just been sitting in the car. He went around to check and came back. He said the lens on the tail light was cracked, just the outside covering one. I eventually found out that the other cars mirror was damaged. That’s it. The firefighter and the sheriff both told me that that was the least amount of damage that they have ever seen on an interstate crash. So was I being protected? Yes I believe I was and for being in an interstate crash I coudn’t ask for a better out come, really.  So, I'm ok I didn’t get a ticket and the tail light is like 60 to 80 dollars to replace. I made it to and through programming and had the best night of sleep I've had in a very long time.  The rest of the  week has been ok but I had no idea how difficult it would be to come home after programming and engage with the kids. I now realize just how much php takes out of me and how hard it is to do this and be a mom. I’m discouraged at my in ability engage and connect with the boys. I ask them if they want to do things with me one on one and they don’t.  Yes I realize that they are little boys trying to figure out who they are and that I've been gone for 9 months. Its been a long time, I don’t feel connected to them any more and I’m tired, this work is so difficult and I don’t just do the programming but I challenge myself, I push myself I don’t just do what I have to do to get by. I can see the progress in the work and how my attachment to my emotions is improving, but I still have a very long road. I can see the darkness in the world around me that I haven’t been able to see since my Sr. year of high school.  This makes my heart ache for those that I can see the darkness in.  I know God gives me the strength to do this because without it I wouldn’t have survived this. So, while I know He will help me to get through this I also believe I will be able to thrive through him. I'm really tired though.

Catch Up

So its been a while since i thought i had anything worth saying, not that i think i do now but i have the urge to write.

Last time I posted was back in October, things have changed but some have stayed the same.  I'm still in PHP at Rogers in the Milwaukee area and therefore away from my family except weekends. That's rough, but I know this is where i need to be right now.

Now to play catch up...

November I  still felt like I was progressing and i was having nightmares and flashbacks and i was a really difficult time but I was moving. December I got 'stuck' I couldn't process things any more.  My brain was tired and needed a break but I wouldn't stop, I wanted to push through. Meanwhile, my depression symptoms started becoming more intense really fast.  I told a friend that I didn't know if i was going to be in the hospital for Christmas. She  was the only person I said anything like that to, I told others I was struggling but to that extent.  I got a day off PHP for Christmas and I was at home for Christmas and had lots of company. I cooked a brisket (because I'm from Texas and there is never a bad time to eat beef) and some other stuff with the help of my MIL. Everyone came over and we ate and celebrated. I was physically there but I want really engaged in what was going on.  I tried but I couldn't do anything about how I felt.

The next week was another short week because of new years. Everyday we have check in sheets that ask how we are doing what things happened (dissociated flashbacks self harm panic attacks...) where we feel like our mood and anxiety are at and if we are having any suicidal thoughts.  On the 30th I circled yes and I was thinking IMO having thoughts that doesn't mean I'm going to act on them.  Well my treatment team saw things differently. They suggested that i voluntary go to inpatient at their hospital down the road. I didn't think I needed that yet and was very angry that I didn't really have a choice in the matter.  I know I wasn't doing well so eventually I went voluntarily but against my will.  My other choice was they would call the cops, I'd be taken out in handcuffs have a mandatory stay of three days then go before a judge.  I said ok before I even knew that's how Wisconsin does things of this sort, and I have no idea what comes after that.  That began my long inpatient stay.

After a few days to a week I was able to see why I was sent to the hospital.  I didn't think I was done spiraling down and I West but they thought it would be better for that to happen in the hospital and maybe that it would slow the fall. It didn't but since I was already in the hospital I didn't have to make any decisions about where I was at.  My treatment team saw what I couldn't see, they were able to see what my mood was like, how terrible I looked and how disengaged from life I was.

While in the hospital some crazy things happened with other patients but I was around and witnessed things. It was just weird.  As for me, I struggled and after a while of letting my brain, rest by reading and getting lost in books, the Dr. arranged for my therapists to come see me there. This wasn't a 3 to 5 day turn around, I was going to be three a while.  So, in the safety of the hospital I started doing the hard exposures that had gotten me stuck in the first place.  I don't think I would have been able to make it through that without the safety that the hospital brought.  In doing those though I think I managed to scared the whole staff and the weren't sure about these exposure things, they had no PTSD exposure training so I don't blame them. I had to be with a staff person when I did them because it was on a recording  device that has to be monitored at all times when it is on the unit.  So I'd listen to it, have a panic attack and throw up. That's what I've come custom to happening. They staff had no idea and freaked out when I threw up and felt like they didn't have the training necessary to do this on unit. I could feel it coming on and knew when I needed to be at a trash can or somewhere I could throw up.

After mt PTSD Dr., my therapist, and myself telling them that this is what I do and it's normal and ok.  After all if I were in programming I would be sitting in a room by myself with a trash can by my side. They eventually got it and we had figured out a system for it to work. I was in the hospital from 12/30 to 2/3. It was a long stay but I felt good going back to php.  I could see how being in the hospital was helpful and that I had made progress.  That feeling lasted about 2 days then I was back at the this sucks and is really difficult work. 

During this time I started not being able to remember stuff as easily as I'm accustom to and was getting really frustrated. I was also dissociating for short periods of time and didn't have any recollection of the event without a lot of questioning, digging, and really trying to figure it out.  I lost complete days where i couldn't remember what I had done 2 days before or a conversation I had the night before. It's still happening and I'm still really frustrated and still can't recall simple things. I still have a lot to process and my brain will take as long as it needs to heal.  So, I don't know when I'll be home and what being home will look like. 

One awesome thing is I can go to stores by myself and be ok, if (or really when) I have a panic attack I can walk around the store until it subsides. And if I am really stuck and can't get the panic to go away I have a phone that I can use to talk to people, and they know exactly what's going on and how to help.  I'm slowly getting better, fear is still my first reaction to things but it isn't as overwhelming and I can move through it much faster than before.