Last time I posted was back in October, things have changed but some have stayed the same. I'm still in PHP at Rogers in the Milwaukee area and therefore away from my family except weekends. That's rough, but I know this is where i need to be right now.
Now to play catch up...
November I still felt like I was progressing and i was having nightmares and flashbacks and i was a really difficult time but I was moving. December I got 'stuck' I couldn't process things any more. My brain was tired and needed a break but I wouldn't stop, I wanted to push through. Meanwhile, my depression symptoms started becoming more intense really fast. I told a friend that I didn't know if i was going to be in the hospital for Christmas. She was the only person I said anything like that to, I told others I was struggling but to that extent. I got a day off PHP for Christmas and I was at home for Christmas and had lots of company. I cooked a brisket (because I'm from Texas and there is never a bad time to eat beef) and some other stuff with the help of my MIL. Everyone came over and we ate and celebrated. I was physically there but I want really engaged in what was going on. I tried but I couldn't do anything about how I felt.
The next week was another short week because of new years. Everyday we have check in sheets that ask how we are doing what things happened (dissociated flashbacks self harm panic attacks...) where we feel like our mood and anxiety are at and if we are having any suicidal thoughts. On the 30th I circled yes and I was thinking IMO having thoughts that doesn't mean I'm going to act on them. Well my treatment team saw things differently. They suggested that i voluntary go to inpatient at their hospital down the road. I didn't think I needed that yet and was very angry that I didn't really have a choice in the matter. I know I wasn't doing well so eventually I went voluntarily but against my will. My other choice was they would call the cops, I'd be taken out in handcuffs have a mandatory stay of three days then go before a judge. I said ok before I even knew that's how Wisconsin does things of this sort, and I have no idea what comes after that. That began my long inpatient stay.
After a few days to a week I was able to see why I was sent to the hospital. I didn't think I was done spiraling down and I West but they thought it would be better for that to happen in the hospital and maybe that it would slow the fall. It didn't but since I was already in the hospital I didn't have to make any decisions about where I was at. My treatment team saw what I couldn't see, they were able to see what my mood was like, how terrible I looked and how disengaged from life I was.
While in the hospital some crazy things happened with other patients but I was around and witnessed things. It was just weird. As for me, I struggled and after a while of letting my brain, rest by reading and getting lost in books, the Dr. arranged for my therapists to come see me there. This wasn't a 3 to 5 day turn around, I was going to be three a while. So, in the safety of the hospital I started doing the hard exposures that had gotten me stuck in the first place. I don't think I would have been able to make it through that without the safety that the hospital brought. In doing those though I think I managed to scared the whole staff and the weren't sure about these exposure things, they had no PTSD exposure training so I don't blame them. I had to be with a staff person when I did them because it was on a recording device that has to be monitored at all times when it is on the unit. So I'd listen to it, have a panic attack and throw up. That's what I've come custom to happening. They staff had no idea and freaked out when I threw up and felt like they didn't have the training necessary to do this on unit. I could feel it coming on and knew when I needed to be at a trash can or somewhere I could throw up.
After mt PTSD Dr., my therapist, and myself telling them that this is what I do and it's normal and ok. After all if I were in programming I would be sitting in a room by myself with a trash can by my side. They eventually got it and we had figured out a system for it to work. I was in the hospital from 12/30 to 2/3. It was a long stay but I felt good going back to php. I could see how being in the hospital was helpful and that I had made progress. That feeling lasted about 2 days then I was back at the this sucks and is really difficult work.
During this time I started not being able to remember stuff as easily as I'm accustom to and was getting really frustrated. I was also dissociating for short periods of time and didn't have any recollection of the event without a lot of questioning, digging, and really trying to figure it out. I lost complete days where i couldn't remember what I had done 2 days before or a conversation I had the night before. It's still happening and I'm still really frustrated and still can't recall simple things. I still have a lot to process and my brain will take as long as it needs to heal. So, I don't know when I'll be home and what being home will look like.
One awesome thing is I can go to stores by myself and be ok, if (or really when) I have a panic attack I can walk around the store until it subsides. And if I am really stuck and can't get the panic to go away I have a phone that I can use to talk to people, and they know exactly what's going on and how to help. I'm slowly getting better, fear is still my first reaction to things but it isn't as overwhelming and I can move through it much faster than before.
