The transition to IOP

        Wednesday marked 1 week of being in IOP (intensive out patient). That means I’m in programming for 3 hours instead of 6, I chose to do afternoons.  At first I was scared what did this mean, does this mean, am almost done?  What I learned is that it means fewer groups and more individual work.  Ok, this makes sense, I’ve gotten what I really can get from those groups and now I will focus more on the work I need to do by myself. However, change is scary even if it’s good change.

    Now, I get to sleep in but I don’t usually, and find things that I can do as exposures every morning. One of my things is being in crowds and noisy places; in the morning that’s not many places. Stores are almost empty, because most people are at work. Then Jimmy John’s provided a great opportunity to get in a very trying exposure. Standing in line with people very close to me for a long period of time who were very much in my personal space made me feel very uncomfortable. Then, lets add the construction that was going on on the closest street, meaning lots of noise.  It was overwhelming, I was very uncomfortable standing in line (I can still feel the chills run down my body as I write about it) and then thinking about going into a very packed restaurant. Jimmy John’s had t very well organized and made the long line move quickly and for some reason the seating area wasn’t packed at all, which was confusing because I wasn’t really seeing that many people come out of the place.  Anyways, I did it, I accomplished, for me, a very difficult thing to do.  I was panicky and ended up with a migraine last night but, I didn’t bail on the task.

    The treatment team now has me tricking my sleeping patterns, writing down what times I’m waking up every night and taking notes about conversations and things i need to remember.  I can’t remember so much of what has happened the night before or even what question I was supposed to be answering.  It is very frustrating for me as I usually can remember so much of what I do, say, and hear.  Change is difficult and I feel like I’m going backwards a bit but, I was assured that this was normal and it doens’t mean I’m spiralling down to a deep dark hole that I’ve found myself in before.  That’s what I’m scared of happening, I don’t want to go there again, it is a horrible place to be.  This time, however, I’m going to do my best to not slide all the way down but to take a bridge across the valley well before the bottom. Now, with help, I just need to figure out how to do that.  

    I’m still very much battling, I still face my demons day and night. It is still extremely difficult work.  But now I have a higher tolerance for anxiety and awareness of how I’m feeling. I’m learning how to identify my boundaries both of my physical boundaries and where I will let other people into.  Doing the exercises are really weird but I think they are starting to make a difference. I still have a long way to go, as this will be a fight for the rest of my life but, hopefully not to this intensity ever again. I’m trying my best, dong what i can to challenge myself even when I don’t want to get out of bed, praying and knowing that it will make a difference.

    The best thing about dropping to IOP is that I can stay home through Sunday night.  I get to have half a day more with my friends and family, my support system.  It may not seem like much but I’ve been physically gone since July and not really there emotionally since December or January.  It’s been a long time. So, having all of Sunday home is a huge difference. Today might be a very difficult day but also possibly very rewarding.  As the seals put it, “the only easy day was yesterday”. The battle continues, and I have no idea what is coming next, however, I know my God will give me what I need when I need it.  

The agoraphobia is still a very difficult thing I’m battling with as I can’t go very long without going somewhere or the anxiety I feel just getting to the parking lot feels crippling.  That’s one of the reasons the Jimmy John’s thing means so much. Thanks for reading and following my story as it develops. I hope you can see the battles that are raging and the source of my hope and strength. And maybe lets you know there is someone out there struggling day by day, breath by breath to keep going, and you can too.  

A friend completed suicide this last week and it is heart wrenching, I don’t ever really know how I feel other than scared and sad.  We had similar reasons to keep going when things were at their worst and it scares me becks I think “what if those things ever got to the point that they would’n’t stop me?”.  But, I am not her, and I have asked for help, and I encourage you to ask for it if you need it yourself, or watch out for the darkness in the people with whom you interact with.  You may be the only person that even says hi, or I can listen.

Here is the song I’ve been listening to a lot lately as I think it describers where I’m at and is really helpful connecting with how I’m feeling. “The Middle” by Jimmy Eat World. As well as Rhapsody in Blue by Gershwin and some other marches and symphonic pieces.

The MIddle

Flip Flops

     So, with help, I'm seeing things with a new hope. For the longest time I was not connecting with my kids at all. I was playing the part of parent and doing what I’m ‘supposed’ to do but that's it.  This last week my mom and the boys spent the week up here since it was my nephew's spring break. It was a tough week for me (if you don’t know what I’m talking about read the last post). But one bad, situation showed me something that I havn’t seen in a long time, the boys need for me and that I can connect to them.  There was a miscommunication and the boys ended up paying for it. I took them out of the situation and held them and let them cry on me and it gave me a chance to be mom and to love on them.  I don’t like that this situation had to happen for me to have that chance but that’s what the three of us needed. We are stronger for facing conflict together. They KNOW mommy is going to protect them and take time to listen to their words as they try to figure out what happened and how they are feeling.  The toughest situations bring us together and make our bonds tight. I really havn’t had that since I’ve been gone so long but now those bonds are tight again. I love my boys, and my boys love me. I am the best mom for them. I keep working through my trauma for me and my family.  It’s not easy and by no means fun, but if it were, everyone would do it. This is hard stuff, imagine trying to dig up a boulder with a plastic spoon hard.

     This has given me new energy to keep fighting, to face my demons day in and day out, even tough they leave me so tired, and they're never quite, they're there at night too(ahh night mares). So my battle is sleep and memory. I don’t know what it would look like to have a full nights sleep would do for me but I know it’d sure be nice to find out. As for memory, I can’t remember much of anything, or at least that’s what it feels like. I can’t remember conversations or details about anything and that is really frustrating for me but I know it’s a temporary thing that I have to deal with.  My body is super stressed and it’s showing up in many ways, that’s two of them.  

     I feel like I’m making progress after being stuck for a very long time, thank God.  Progress seems to come in spurts and I feel like I’m in one now.  I’m ‘excited?’ to work on this really crappy stuff because there’s movement.  I’d still do the work even when I didn’t feel like it but man to feel the love, see the movement, feel the hope makes doing this really hard exposure work worth it.

     I love my boys (all 3 of them) so much, and I want to be back with them, but I know I need to be better than I am before that happens. I was very overwhelmed having them here last week despite my desire to be around them. I had a hard time even imagining how I could return to being their full time mom. The thing is I can’t right now and that’s ok. I'm glad God has given me the insight and strength to continue working, pressing on, getting out of bed, going to treatment, and working as hard as I can.  I love seeing the little light of hope, but the daily struggles are still very real. I didn’t want to get up this morning as most mornings, but today was particularly hard. BUT I can see where I’m going, and that my friends is the most glorious thing I never thought I’d see.

THERE IS HOPE and I have some now. =)

Being tired...

The last couple of weeks have been rough for me. The week before Easter I was difficult and exhausting. The weekend plans went from going to a memorial service in St. Louis to just going home to me staying in MIL and the boys coming up to me just staying here in MIL and having a quiet weekend up here. The little boys were going to be up here the whole next week (this week).  This week is has been very difficult having the boys here because my programing has been challenging.  I’ve been having really bad flashbacks, and sometimes getting stuck in them.  One that I was stuck in for I think they said 3 hours.  That means I don’t remember what was going on my brain is trying to protect me even though logically I know I’m safe but I can't connect the two parts of my brain. I came out of the flashback so tired that I went to sleep. I haven’t gone to sleep that hard in such a long time that I guess I started having a nightmare. Anyways, the therapist woke me up and I was really confused and lost. Once I figured out where I was I went on the rest of the day as normal. That night I couldn't sleep, I was having nightmares and heart burn and couldn’t even lay down.  So with about 3 hours of sleep and not feeling the greatest I headed out for programming.  I felt the holy spirit urging me to pray and so I did.  I prayed ask God to keep me safe on the way to programming and through out the day.  Well, I got into a car accident on the way there, which you may think that means I wasn’t being protected; and yes I’d rather not be in accident at all; but I was.  I was on the interstate driving with the traffic somewhere around 70 to75 mph, when a guy decided that traffic was going too slow for his liking and started driving up the shoulder of the road, there is not enough room for someone to drive on the shoulder.  So naturally the car in the left lane swerved toward me, I went into the right lane some.  I heard a crunch and it took a second to register but I realized I’d hit someone but as soon as I did I pulled over to the side. Well the other person stopped on one side of the bridge that I stopped on. I pulled forward off the bridge on to the shoulder and just sat there.  I was in my new (to us) car and I was having a panic attack. I didn’t call anyone or do anything but sit. Shortly the fire department and ambulance showed up. A firefighter came to my window and asked if I was ok. I said I was and I was just having a panic attack, but my voice was very calm as if nothing was happening. He looked very confused and I don’t blame him, the speech and the physical observations didn’t match.  They asked if I had looked at my car. I said no, that I’d just been sitting in the car. He went around to check and came back. He said the lens on the tail light was cracked, just the outside covering one. I eventually found out that the other cars mirror was damaged. That’s it. The firefighter and the sheriff both told me that that was the least amount of damage that they have ever seen on an interstate crash. So was I being protected? Yes I believe I was and for being in an interstate crash I coudn’t ask for a better out come, really.  So, I'm ok I didn’t get a ticket and the tail light is like 60 to 80 dollars to replace. I made it to and through programming and had the best night of sleep I've had in a very long time.  The rest of the  week has been ok but I had no idea how difficult it would be to come home after programming and engage with the kids. I now realize just how much php takes out of me and how hard it is to do this and be a mom. I’m discouraged at my in ability engage and connect with the boys. I ask them if they want to do things with me one on one and they don’t.  Yes I realize that they are little boys trying to figure out who they are and that I've been gone for 9 months. Its been a long time, I don’t feel connected to them any more and I’m tired, this work is so difficult and I don’t just do the programming but I challenge myself, I push myself I don’t just do what I have to do to get by. I can see the progress in the work and how my attachment to my emotions is improving, but I still have a very long road. I can see the darkness in the world around me that I haven’t been able to see since my Sr. year of high school.  This makes my heart ache for those that I can see the darkness in.  I know God gives me the strength to do this because without it I wouldn’t have survived this. So, while I know He will help me to get through this I also believe I will be able to thrive through him. I'm really tired though.