Wednesday marked 1 week of being in IOP (intensive out patient). That means I’m in programming for 3 hours instead of 6, I chose to do afternoons. At first I was scared what did this mean, does this mean, am almost done? What I learned is that it means fewer groups and more individual work. Ok, this makes sense, I’ve gotten what I really can get from those groups and now I will focus more on the work I need to do by myself. However, change is scary even if it’s good change.
Now, I get to sleep in but I don’t usually, and find things that I can do as exposures every morning. One of my things is being in crowds and noisy places; in the morning that’s not many places. Stores are almost empty, because most people are at work. Then Jimmy John’s provided a great opportunity to get in a very trying exposure. Standing in line with people very close to me for a long period of time who were very much in my personal space made me feel very uncomfortable. Then, lets add the construction that was going on on the closest street, meaning lots of noise. It was overwhelming, I was very uncomfortable standing in line (I can still feel the chills run down my body as I write about it) and then thinking about going into a very packed restaurant. Jimmy John’s had t very well organized and made the long line move quickly and for some reason the seating area wasn’t packed at all, which was confusing because I wasn’t really seeing that many people come out of the place. Anyways, I did it, I accomplished, for me, a very difficult thing to do. I was panicky and ended up with a migraine last night but, I didn’t bail on the task.
The treatment team now has me tricking my sleeping patterns, writing down what times I’m waking up every night and taking notes about conversations and things i need to remember. I can’t remember so much of what has happened the night before or even what question I was supposed to be answering. It is very frustrating for me as I usually can remember so much of what I do, say, and hear. Change is difficult and I feel like I’m going backwards a bit but, I was assured that this was normal and it doens’t mean I’m spiralling down to a deep dark hole that I’ve found myself in before. That’s what I’m scared of happening, I don’t want to go there again, it is a horrible place to be. This time, however, I’m going to do my best to not slide all the way down but to take a bridge across the valley well before the bottom. Now, with help, I just need to figure out how to do that.
I’m still very much battling, I still face my demons day and night. It is still extremely difficult work. But now I have a higher tolerance for anxiety and awareness of how I’m feeling. I’m learning how to identify my boundaries both of my physical boundaries and where I will let other people into. Doing the exercises are really weird but I think they are starting to make a difference. I still have a long way to go, as this will be a fight for the rest of my life but, hopefully not to this intensity ever again. I’m trying my best, dong what i can to challenge myself even when I don’t want to get out of bed, praying and knowing that it will make a difference.
The best thing about dropping to IOP is that I can stay home through Sunday night. I get to have half a day more with my friends and family, my support system. It may not seem like much but I’ve been physically gone since July and not really there emotionally since December or January. It’s been a long time. So, having all of Sunday home is a huge difference. Today might be a very difficult day but also possibly very rewarding. As the seals put it, “the only easy day was yesterday”. The battle continues, and I have no idea what is coming next, however, I know my God will give me what I need when I need it.
The agoraphobia is still a very difficult thing I’m battling with as I can’t go very long without going somewhere or the anxiety I feel just getting to the parking lot feels crippling. That’s one of the reasons the Jimmy John’s thing means so much. Thanks for reading and following my story as it develops. I hope you can see the battles that are raging and the source of my hope and strength. And maybe lets you know there is someone out there struggling day by day, breath by breath to keep going, and you can too.
A friend completed suicide this last week and it is heart wrenching, I don’t ever really know how I feel other than scared and sad. We had similar reasons to keep going when things were at their worst and it scares me becks I think “what if those things ever got to the point that they would’n’t stop me?”. But, I am not her, and I have asked for help, and I encourage you to ask for it if you need it yourself, or watch out for the darkness in the people with whom you interact with. You may be the only person that even says hi, or I can listen.
Here is the song I’ve been listening to a lot lately as I think it describers where I’m at and is really helpful connecting with how I’m feeling. “The Middle” by Jimmy Eat World. As well as Rhapsody in Blue by Gershwin and some other marches and symphonic pieces.
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