10 years and a tough week

 I’ve been thinking about how to tell the story of my last week and I keep coming up with dead ends.  I think though I need to try to write it out and work through it and figure it out.

    I'm in the middle of an ‘identity crisis’.  I’mm trying to figure out who I am outside of the trauma that has thus far defined much of my life.  These are murky muddy waters to wade though and I have no idea what it will look like on the other side, like really no clue.  Thus far I’ve let myself be defined by what I do because I don’t know who I am. However, now I’m lookig at those things changing and my role and what I do be very different than before.  Early last week it was brought to my attention, at a time i could at least kinda hear it, that I’m still working on getting well. I have a long way to go, they don’t keep you in PHP for months if you’re doing well.  I have a hard time seeing that I’m really not doing well when I”m at home and I have responcibilities beyond myself. And eventough those responcibilities are very limited I still get easily overwhelmed.  It’s hard for me to see the progress so I ask others what they’ve seen, what they’ve noticed and differences, if any, they have observed.  

    So, last week I was a mess, I am trying to fiure out who I am, what my purpose is and what I do with all of that. First I fought thinking I could take on all the roles that I had done previously with out a problem, well, logic kicked in and helped me see that that wasn’t/isn’t possible at ths time. That means that it will probably be best for the kids and myself to not homeschool this next year. It’s hard, this is what I’ve done for years, be with my boys all day everyday.  So now what? After thinknig about it for a while, I am able to see that it isn’t about me and how I’m a failure but how I can continue to work on healing and learning without the stress of homeschooling.  This decision isn’t final but we are leaning that way heavely.  That leaves me with well, what would I do all day? My mind has run through a hundred different ideas and I convince myself that I’m not good enough to do any of them, I don’t have the experiance or education or... All that leads to increasing my depression symptoms, and I know not doing anything would exsaperate that too.

    Then, I had nightmares, nightmares that were so real that in them i was teling myself what to do to ground myself. It was quite strange, but I couldn’t wake up. I knew it wasn’t really happening but man did it feel like it.  This happened two nights in a row and after the second night I woke up and said this is too real I need to ask about it. So, I did, and I was met with the responce of why is that a nightmare?  I fell apart, I then shut down then asked alot of questions, none of that really helped me, it was just information.  Then I cried, i cried like I havn’t cried for as long as I could remember, and mad it about me. The immediate self blame kicked into high gear and all the negitive thoughts about myself were flyin through my head at an astonishing speed.  These are all thoughts related to my identity, who I am, what’s my purpose. I went down the path of ‘i’m not good enough nor will I ever be’, I’m broken and can’t be fixed, all I’ll ever be is someone to be taken advantage of then left alone in a pile of junk.  I went through so many feelings, sadness, loss, grief, anger, fear and digust over an over again cycling through them and getting stuck in one for a while.  It hurt, I hurt and there was nothing I could do about it at that time.

    Finally, when there was time to work through this problem I went from extremly sad to fearful.  Now, it is my turn to screw up.  All my fears and inscurities were yelling so loud that I felt that I had no option or strength to fight. I disconnected, I was a slave to those fears and let them take over and now I feel so much shame.  I’ve sat alone in it and felt very anxious even at the thought of speaking the truth.

    All of that was put on hold, sorta, when I heared from many firends at church on Sunday. Despite having a really bad panic attack several people came up and talked with me, my thought, ’yay I”m not invisible” and ‘wow, these people actually care’.  That is quite opposite of how I was feeling the day before.  So, Mother’s day was good, I was able to enjoy being with friends and family. I wasn’t however able to make it home for my anniversary Friday.  Aaron and I have now been married for 10 years. 10 really difficult and trying years.  Don’t get me wrong there’s good stuff too, but there’s been alot of difficulty. My trauma, depression and fear, his not knowing how to help and feeling like he’s been sidelined while I try to work though all this.  One of the more recent realizations has been it’s not just my stuff, it’s our stuff, we are a team, we are in this together, for better or worse. It is a testament to God’s grace that we are were we are.  I didn’t really realize it untill friends of mine and friends of Aarons comment on how they can’t believe that we are still married. And these are people that believe strongly in the sanctity of marriage.  So to us Aaron, to our tenacity, our commitment and love. Thank you for never giving up on me when I’ve gone to the darkest places possible here on Earth.  

Hopefully I’ll soon be able to grasp who I am and what my purpose is outside the roles I play.