Back in May I started Intensive Outpatient (IOP) which means instead of being at programming for 6 hours a day I was there for three. At first I was understanding as I wasn't really getting much from one of the groups anyways, I’d been there a long time and had learned what I could from that group. IOP started at a full week and then dropped about one day at a time every two weeks with the last 4 weeks being there only 2 day of the week. The transition was (and still is) very difficult for me. I hadn’t really been around my kids much at all for extended periods of time for about a year now and honestly wasn’t doing well before that either. The boys are boys, they run they jump, they’re loud, and they’re not doing anything wrong, I just wasn’t able to handle it, it was too much stimulation for me at one time. I’m slowly getting better at that but the most I can seem to handle is about half a day one on two with them. This is greatly improved since the beginning of the transition to home. In May I had a very difficult time even being in the house with them at all, Aaron was home and that did help but I was a mess. I felt exhausted, overwhelmed and like I was never going to make it, no matter what I did I was going to fail. I can say now that is a very desperate hopeless place to live. That’s where I was for a while as I didn’t see my adjustments to being home even remotely successful. I didn’t write during that time because I was hurting so much and didn’t believe I could really be ok.
This is my first attempt at figuring out how to life without trauma being the defining factor. I have not a clue of what I’m doing. FIguring out who you are generally happens in childhood as you figure out how the world and relationships work. I have always seemed to just not quite get it or I was being a people pleaser hoping to find kindness in return only to find out that I was really just being used for what I could do. So now I’m trying to figure out what it means to say no to something that I really don’t want, I’ve found that I am extremely bad at it. I usually end up freezing and just panicking internally and saying nothing or saying yes when I really don’t mean it.
Now I’m trying to figure out who I am, I know I have the roles of mother and wife, but those are just roles they don’t define me as a person. Neither does being a homeschool/stay at home mom. That’s what I’ve done, for 8 years, that’s where I found my identity. That isn't really a healthy way to live as I’ve found out. Aaron and I have discussed and decided for at least this next year the boys will be joining the public school. It takes a lot of pressure off of me so that I can focus on healing, taking care of myself and finding my voice. The decision was very difficult for me to accept; it took weeks of me being in denial and trying to figure out a way that I could still be able to do. In the end after a long grieving process I knew that‘s what needed to happen, it was the best for me and the boys education. But now what does that mean, I homeschool my boys, if I’m not doing that what will I do? Getting a job would get me out of the house but the whole reason I’m not teaching is to take stress off of me and give me flexibility as needed. Anyways, this is a work in progress much like learning to be with my boys.
I’m really stressed out and have been for a long time. This has manifested itself in many ways. I’ve felt sick, had crazy heartburn, no appetite, no desire to get up, had unexplained panic attacks, constant nightmares, headaches, and the one that bothered me the most is that I can’t remember things. These symptoms were (are) really difficult to deal with because they are all happening simultaneously. I’m so exhausted, my body is fatigued and tells me so, my eyes will move left to right very quickly for like 10 seconds occasionally, I have a hard time focusing my eyes on things close or far like never before, it’s really annoying but not constant.
I have so much more I will say about my transition to home so that the next post. Thanks for reading and caring.
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