I've had to tell myself that many many times lately....
It's been a while and life has been absolutely crazy stressful. I was very anxious about the boys going to school and what that meant for me, giving up control. I'm still wrestling with issues that come up dealing with a system that is inflexible and therefore fighting for and supplement their education.
Rewind two days, before school started on a normal Sunday afternoon Aaron received a call from my mom. My dad had collapsed and my mom needed a ride to the hospital. I found someone to take the boys then headed to the hospital not knowing any more information. I get to the hospital and I'm quickly shown to a family room. Then the social worker comes in and talks to me and I go in the trauma room. When I walked in they were doing CPR and manual ventilation. That was the first time I had ever seen CPR actually performed, it's quite an experience, very eye opening. But I looked at my dad's face and knew he was gone. From there the details are not mine alone, or mine to share with the world. The rest of the day was crazy ( it didn't slow down for like a week), and some how we are making it. Pray for my Mom.
The next day was meet the teacher day. So, we went to meet the boys teachers and inform them that their Grandpa had died the day before. We felt that it was important for them to go to school because:
1 they had never been in a traditional school
2 they would miss all the beginning directions and
3 it started a routine that need to be established.
I'm so thankful for the family that was able to come in and help. I'm still dealing with all my PTSD stuff and working on getting healthy so there wasn't any way Aaron and I could provide the help my mom needed, and she knew and acknowledged that.
My family helped greatly and I told them to take care of those things and I'll take care of that side of things therefore limiting my involvement and setting a boundary. Wait did I just say boundary? Yes I did, I'm learning... slowly... And, when I was asked what would be helpful for us I was able to put a voice to what we needed (dinners, thanks Northbrook) for the first time... yup that happened too. I was also able to accept it without feeling guilty. (who is this person?) Learning to know my limits and ask for help before I'm at a state of dissociation or being checked out is weird, a good weird. I can breathe and process emotions instead of just putting them behind a brick wall and not dealing with them. Though I've found that to be very difficult too as I'm new to this' being engaged emotionally' and 'feeling feelings' beyond surface level.
My new therapist and I have had so much to talk about with current and past events. I believe diving into the deep end isn't the best strategy but it wasn't my call. Since I was able to give her my 'stuff' from the last year of treatment she could learn some of my history and see my progression. Then with the current events see how I handle the situations at the point I am right now. I think it is more telling of my abilities and weaknesses when it is a current event. So how am I doing? I don't know, family, friends, and therapy professionals see an improvement. I can acknowledge some but I'm leery of accepting their words as truth. I'm also hyper vigilant of any sign of depression symptoms getting worse, I don't want to go back to where I was and am therefore creating anxiety for myself by doing so. (yes I know it is counterproductive)
So, yes I can see some progress.
I've been forced into more social situations with the boys being in school and I think I've come out ok with them.
I let my panic show once in a walmart, I usually hide it (huge deal).
I've set a limit and a boundary.
I still struggle to go places, but I go often enough to keep the agoraphobia in check including helping at a friends business a couple days a month (which by the way really isn't easy for me to do.)
I have also done something that has a long term comment, actually it's a family thing but I have lead.
Meet Inky
The night we picked her up
She's the first long term future looking 'thing' I've dreamt about beyond planning what we are going to do the next 3 day weekend or vacation.
These two are today 9/22. She's a black dog and my camera doesn't really show black on black w/o the flash (which requires the battery to be charged... =D )
She's grown so much in the short time we've had her and she's crazy smart I can get her to do just about anything for a treat. I took her to the store today to get dog food and see how she would handle people, new smells, and other animals. It went better than expected. She was able to listen to me and sit and stay with distractions for a little while... at 12 weeks, I'll take it.
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