This isn't my first extremely difficult time in my life since kids. The first time was around 5ish years ago soon after my Zeker's was born. At that time Aaron and I knew we couldn't live/get through life without asking for help. So, God led us to 3 families, 2 of which we didn't know really at all. For us (me) it was unheard of to ask someone for help much less this level of help. We were asking these people to HELP. They were committing to time, effort, love, direction, and many more things that I can't name because I don't know what all they did for me. They fought for me, they helped with childcare, they fought me which may of been the most difficult. They made really hard calls, like sending their friend to the hospital when it was needed.
None of us knew where to start, what to look for and how all of this aligned with a Christian faith. I'm so thankful that I wasn't judged for needing help and they have stood by and still stand by me. These three families were the main sources of support the first time around and they each had very different roles. One friend helped in a very practical way, she helped me with the boys every single week day, I wasn't at a point that I could give my boys what they needed so she filled that need. The other two had similar roles, both sound theological and practical advice and really being in the ugly dark trenches of my head. One was like a big sister and the other was able to have a perspective on the situation that well, I don't really know how that worked but it did and that's what was needed. There is absolutely no way that I can thank them or repay them in a way that they deserve. My church tried to be understanding but really didn't know what to do with a mental health crisis, it hadn't happened so publicly before.
Now this time around we all have experience. To my surprise my friends jumped right back into the roles they had before. Asking if I should see the Dr. and set up counseling appointments. (We hadn't stayed super close after I had gotten 'well', which was probably for the best.) I couldn't believe that they would willingly put themselves back into this crazy difficult journey, I didn't even ask, they saw what was happening and stepped into the roles they I needed them to play. If that isn't Christ like selfless love I don't know what is.
This time however the church body has been so understanding. They have been helpful in ways that I can't even imagine and mental illness is not taboo anymore. There is a freedom to acknowledge the difficulties that I'm facing. There is a freedom to talk openly with me, check in with me, and me writing this that keeps people aware of what life is like right now. I am asked about how I'm doing, when I'm going to be home, how things are... It's felt so strange at first to be in a community that truly loves and cares about me. I have never had the 'do not be anxious about anything (Phil 4:6-7) verse shoved in my face by my anyone in my church, or any of my support system. I really am thankful for those who realize the difference between situation anxiety and an anxiety illness. Some others have used words like these to try encourage me, I think, or at least I hope, in the past. However, what gets communicated is 'you don't have enough faith' or 'you have no reason to be'... or my favorite 'you're just doing this for attention'.
Now I am home, I'm loved for who I am PTSD, agoraphobia and all. I am so supported by friends and family. I am challenged to keep getting better. I get checked in on, helped, and encouraged. I have a group of people, a support system, that has helped, is helping and I'm confidant will continue to help. They've proven themselves in so many ways: they stay, they show they care, they challenge, they pray, they push or pull. They are together such a strong group of people and they completely counter so many of the lies that play in my head. I am so blessed by God to be in a church who shows Christ's love through His people. Perfect no, trying yes, loving yes, real yes.
I am also very aware that most people don't have a support system like I do and I know how difficult it is. So, I encourage you if you don't have anyone to talk to try to find one person who will listen, even if it's by text. I'll listen, but I only have experience no training and I'll try to help you find someone who is more reliable than myself as I'm still going through the muck...
So, thank you to all the people who have supported me thus far and will support me and my family in the future.
And most of all, My God is an Awesome God.
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