In fact it's been about a year since I’ve written anything for this blog. Honestly part of it was a fear of not communicating well because it had to be perfect. So the need to be perfect paralyzed my ability to write. I would have thoughts about things to write about but couldn’t write more than two sentences.
Now for a quick recap.
I’ve been out of intensive treatment for PTSD since June 2016.
The boys were in traditional school last year and they are now home schooled again.
I’ve continued therapy, now twice a week and once a week with Aaron totally 3 times a week.
I’ve had my ups and downs but an overall trajectory of getting better.
Inky is now 15 months old and awesome at learning and doing her job.
I’m now going through a rough patch. It’s weird though because I’m not freaking out, I’m not either disconnecting from reality or expecting to crash and burn. I don’t know this path, I don’t know what to expect but I accept and know that it is here and I will get through it. But there are so many questions. How long will this go on? Do I need my meds changed? What does this mean for working on the trauma pieces? How bad will it get? So even though I have all of this knowledge and can recognize all these symptoms, it doesn’t change how it feels. I know how to use skills to deal with everything but it’s still not easy. There are nights I’m afraid to go to sleep because of the nightmares. There are nightmares, bad ones, like the ones I was having while I was in PHP, and they suck. They have been so vivid and/or realistic I have to ask if things actually happened or not. (The boys have almost gotten in trouble for not doing something I told them to do in my dreams.) I’ve had Inky sleep with me especially the nights following the horrible nightmares and she wakes me up, not continuously and she leaves me alone once I wake up and tell her to go back to sleep. So, I’m wondering if she can tell if I’m having nightmares. That is one of the things I would like her to do...
Inky, training her has been great and frustrating and tiring and worth every minute. It’s so fulfilling to see her training actually working and it really helps in the minute too. Most of the training has been simulation and not really helping me until this summer. Around 9 to 10 months old she started noticing when I would have panic attacks. She didn’t know what to do, but she knew something was wrong. Then came the easy part connecting that we’ve been simulating with this signal coming from me. Her skills of knowing when I’m having the start a panic attack have exceeded my own. I have tried to ignore her thinking I was fine and she was just done working and wanted to move. Well, she’s taught me that she knows more than I do, it’s awesome. She’s able to focus for longer lengths of time but still needs play time. She plays fetch endlessly. We have a hill in the backyard and she will go for, well we don’t know how long, we give up long before she’s ever ready to even if it’s been over an hour. She’s nuts and she loves the water. She gets in the creek at every chance we give her and plays fetch even on our kayaking trips. Don’t leave out any unattended food or socks, they will disappear. We’re working on that....
Aaron has long both of his grandmothers this year. One in the summer and the other a couple days ago. It’s been hard on all of us but him especially. We’re still moving along and trusting that God is sovereign and that He is a good God. My church family and relatives are still standing with us, checking in on us, and loving us. I can’t ask for more than that.
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